Hah. talking with hadri and smritti always leads to deep intellectual social-lamenting discussions.  Although the words "hadri" and "intellectual" are in fact polar opposites.  However talking was good.  There is a problem.  We have to identify it.

It cannot be all dandy and happy.  There cannot be no problem.  If there was no problem we wouldn't be missing ri, missing our old classes, and basically not wanting to come to school. There is a problem.  A problem that impedes you from coming to school, a problem that entices you to skip class, a problem that demands non-commitment and superficiality.

A problem that has changed people.  For worse mostly.

I was never able to identify with the high school culture before.  Never.  I thought the whole idea of this cliques, outcasting, and the general meaness associated with it was an wholly American thing.  And i thought that was why the Americans were all so stupid, they were busying politiking around in high school that they never had time to actually use their brains in class.  After all, a class used to mean that everyone in it was your friend.  That everyone in it was accepted generally, and while some were closer to others, it was generally possible and easy to hold conversation and tell jokes with ease.

A class meant the people you ate lunch and watched movies with.

It never mattered if you were fat. Or stupid. Or lame. Or looked funny. Your class accepted you. Period.  Granted, there were the occasional arguments, the fights, the bitching, but generally speaking, all that could arise only with the underlying consciousness of the friendship, and that it would all blow over.  Because in the end, it was your class.  All that fighting and arguing and bitching was precisely because it was your class.

What is it now?

The great divide isn't a good thing.   There is no one class. There are two factions.  Which really shouldn't be the case.

Yet I am as guilty of it as you are.

We all have our idiosyncrasies after all.  Some may be more tolerable than others, some less.  I'd like to think though that most of us carry good intentions within our heart.  And I've always hoped that that was truly enough.  Enough for you to be accepted.

But the problem doesn't see it that way.

The problem, the culture. It encourages immediate judging by appearances.  Which is really quite lamentable.  I mean ostracizing, as a form of punishment, or at least a way to express a certain unhappiness or dislike for a behaviour that is distinctly wrong is somewhat acceptable i feel.  I cannot fault tsus for that.  But ostracization as a form of division, a way to delineate the social orders and class is despicable.

I don't know.  When were there that many outcasts in RI? In fact, you could count them with your two hands.  Perhaps one.  How is it that in RJ, supposedly a continuation of RI, there is a massive boom in the number of them?
It is such that there is always an underlying fear of commiting social suicide.

We really should do something.  I don't know. Something.  It doesn't have to be drastic and transform the class into utopia.  But it should at least turn it into a civil, polite and cordial society that we all once knew classes to be.  I'm not saying this as an observation of one event. It is widespread within the problem.  The culture.

I am as guilty as you.  Perhaps it is time we made amends.

and You. we don't need you. really. You are the source of all animosity and malice that expresses itself on your very face. 

We'd be hard pressed to find another chinese teacher as patient and understanding as her.
I feel a bit guilty.  Since i'm really the main culprit, always skipping her classes and not doing her work.  Its quite hypocritical in a sense, since i really find her to be one of the best chinese teachers i've ever had.
Perhaps a bit was an understatement.

And vyna has brought the word irritating to new heights once again.  Today she tried to bitch to mel about me.  And asked her whats wrong with me cos i was sleeping in class.  Ah whatever.  I really hope chinghunn comes back and takes us for next year.  Because i don't know what shit testimonial she's going to write for me.

Speaking of which i haven't gotten my o level certs yet. Hmm.

isn't it ironic. that someone supposedly as emotional and whatevernot as me is so inadequate at these things.  yixun when you're in a better mood and read this, i'm sorreh for not being able to say nething to make you feel better. 

Aha okay zach. will try harder. hahaha.
and hadri. haha for the millionth time. The guardian of truth and liberty is NOT going to step on me just because i said that.

Anyway. one more white slip and you all won't have to see me in school anymore. aha. crap i felt quite shitty today. must have been quite a bitch in the wee hours of the day. haiz. Okay so what happened was that bitch stephen chin called me in the wee hours of the morning to go see him over my late coming. which i honestly have to admit was really a little over the top. haha. and really, if he had been remotely CIVIL about it i would have little to say.
So okay at first we went to see him during chengtju's lesson, and then he's not in. AS USUAL. i've been "supposed" to see him for 3 times before this, and he's never in. busy doing what i'm not sure.
Anyway, so meanya brings me trudging up to the hall where stephen chin is. because his indian secretary says he's up frolicking in the hall and grinning sadistically as e-ching tries to brief the J2s with that horrendous accent of hers.
And stephen chin sees me and goes "timothy right?" and sneers at me. which gets me irritated enough already. so he says "lets go to my office" all the while sneering at me, while i wonder what other intentions he may have in mind.
So halfway down the steps, at the concourse, stephen chin suddenly stops. and he asks do you know that the issue is.  Now really. i may be stupid sometimes but i'm not that bloody stupid. so i tell him yah its late coming. and then he goes into a tirade. so i say okay. i'm sorry. And then he suddenly blows up and says "NO ITS NOT OKAY. IF YOU CONTINUE ON LIKE THIS YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY COLLEGE"
WTF?!
Okay honestly i was really irritated at that point. but you know. you can never beat the system. esepecially with watchdogs like him manning it. so i tilt my head down and apologize contritely, saying yes i know latecoming so often is a serious offence.
I feel so violated. And we haven't even stepped into his office.
Then he goes on about how i don't go for detention. well mr. chin, in case your thick numbskull renders you an idiot, you'd have realised from the countless times i tried to explain that i had chinese A level listening, and was REALLY sick on the other.  I have a freaking MC for god's sake. nvrmind i shan't explain to him. his brain lacks the region that is reserved for rational thought. must be considerate to the retarded.
So we continue our little stroll into his office. where he tells me. "i'm going to call your parents" as if that would invoke fear and make me grovel and tremble.  grr. whatever lah. so he calls them. and he tells me to get out of my office first. fine. so i step out of his hellhole while he prepares me for the slaughter.  And sure enough, he asks for my dad. clever thing. anyway, yeah so he goes on and on about how i'm late and can suspension (yeah i was eavesdropping outside his office), then he talks about my detention. and leaves out the glaring obvious detail that i had chinese listening.
So the terrible phone call ends. he calls me to come back in like one would beckon a dog, and then says "sit" in the same fashion.  he procceeds to tell me about how he'll send a teacher to talk to me about my schedule, feigning concern. and all this while, he signs yet another white slip delivered to him.  I nod fakely, appear contrite, and burn with hatred from inside.
so anyway, thats how my ordeal with the devil himself went. 
It took me a while to get rid of the shitty feeling. i ponned chinese to sleep it off in the library. then i talked to mel about it. and fortunately felt better. haha its a good thing to have people who listen.  its good.
okay i'll finish this sometime later.

 

 

PW has got to be the most irritating subject in the world.
Its not just a waste of time. Its so blatantly a brainwashing tool for the government to get everyone to become more "efficient" and at the same time brainlessly competitive.

Now firstly, anything examinable should never be done in groups. For obvious reasons. The whole nature of the subject it stupid, because then marks are given based on the comparison between your groupmates and your work. which if of differing standards could mean much lower marks then another group that has nearly all standardized quality of work.
Secondly, the whole artificial process of taking minutes and action done and whatnotfuckrot is utterly useless and a complete waste of time. You want an example of an diseconomy of scale? this is it. And this isn't even a big scale company yet. just a firm with 4 workers. Instilling these ideas of bureaucracy and red tape is only going to slow down "efficiency" and prevent creativity and originality. Which ironically is this is precisely what the Singapore government has been trumpeting about like crazy.
Not to mention the fact that the research we do has little, if any relevence or usefulness at that. i mean honestly. who cares about marriage and fertility. or whether the homoseksuals in the world are increasing or not. as if the average layman cannot see that, and needs a 10centimeter thick file and a 20 page written report to make it obvious.
And while this thankfully doesn't apply to me, what if you land in a group that completely cannot work together? Now i know what the teachers chant, its a mantra that goes something along the lines of 'but when you go in the real world you need to work with all sorts of people'. well. if everyone could accomodate everyone, bosses would have no need to fire employees. the fact is, some people just cannot work with others, hence they are sacked from the company, be it under the guise of inefficiency or cutting costs. perhaps PW seeks to amend that? i'm sure it does.

AH well. i'll stop the rant now. in case some government official sees this and decides to have me assasinated. i doubt they have any qualms about murdering a malaysian.

Anyway ben sold me legacy of kain today. i feel quite dumb. i asked him if it was out yet and he was like "YAH... played and DONE with it." hahaha. and i forgot what the tentacled thing's name was. cows.

Centro.  i don't dig clubbing i guess. oh well.  the music and lights are nice, (yes i know most of you you don't like trance/techno), but the whole atmosphere and the crowd. hmm.  i think i breathed in more smoke then i've ever breathed in my whole life. and the drinks are damn weak lah. and if i say they're weak they must REALLY be weak. aha. i suppose i might have danced if i managed to get abit high. but really they were quite useless.
Oh well. at least now i know what its like. will be a long while before i relive that experience i think.  especially since i owe the fund $100.  NO wonder firas is always broke.
 
Ah well. i think i'm abit tired from going out and out.  Staying at home and overheating the ps for the past two days has been pretty relaxing.  although i was suddenly hit by this notion that i was fucking up my life somewhere halfway a battle.
 
I have to get a grip. mustmust. aha uni hadri don't banish me from the new leaves! haha i'm not that corrupted that i can't turn back.  i hope.
Though seriously speaking, this mustn't go on lah.  To get 4As will prove harder than i thought.  though i nearly scraped it for econs.  Which i think if i put in more effort can lah.  But my maths has dropped back to that pre O-level period when I was failing like shit.  i mean 19/70 has proven to be a serious wake up call.  shit man. i hope kohsiewyong will be nice enough to do tution with me before promos. argh.
And lit. ridiculous. i enjoy lit, yet i fuck up my othello. and probably silas although i haven't gotten it back.   And i still enjoy prime reputation with my teachers.  fuck lah i until now still haven't read othello.
But the one that worries me most is history.  SEA. 11/25 under chengtju. whose mother lenient.  And while i admit i didn't really study, its still horrifying to see such a lousy mark.  and i don't know about pandian's essay yet.  If that one is fucked up its an indicator that i REALLY don't know whats going on.  because i thought i could grasp that. just as i thought i may have passed maths.
 
hmm. and now i realise this rambling may seem boring to you. 
but all i want to do is make a little diary.  for my close friends to see and know what i think.  maybe get responses.  but this was never meant to be for your enteratainment. 
hmmm. she has it tough man.
 

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"
-Alexander Pope

i'm tired. this blog's turning into my little advertising ground. how silly.
Anyway i've got girl's stuff now. changwen thinks i'm more intune with these kinda things so please contact me if you want ladies' stuff. -urgh-.

Whatever it is. I guess i'm not cut out for buisness. maybe what chee said is right in a sense. i'm not firm, i tend to give in. especially to friends. i can be rather firm with strangers, but not friends. its a conflict of interest. ah well. haha maybe i'll just work in the end. should do if you ask me. all this cut-throating and bargaining with friends really gets me weary in the end. I may be too emotional for my own good.

Or i may just be trying to avoid real life again.

and technically i shouldn't be blogging this down either. since its conflict for the business. ahh whatever. i'm thinking of moving this blog. back to the days when no one knew about this place. when i could write what i wanted. fly away to a place, where i'm free to dream of stars, dive into the abyss and live it all again. without your piercing stares weighing me down.

i can't say what i want to. this has become a prison in itself. i trap my feelings in my words, and hope they don't break out.

I think i idealise too much. I create for myself a little dream world, an illusion pieced together with the shards of reality. take a step back and look at it. i said take a step back. the cracks aren't that obvious when you look from afar. only those who peer closely see how weak the glue that binds them truly is.
its in danger of falling apart. of becoming that broken mess that is reality.
Every day i discover that nothing is as it seems. and every day people tell me welcome to the real world. well honestly, i don't feel very welcomed by it. it intimidates me. leave me in my playworld where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. metaphorically speaking of course. well physically would be nice as well.

I know i'm running from reality. But why not. when This is real, why not?
reality seems more surreal than my perception. i don't think you're what you mean. at least in my dreams there's only one of all of us.

I wrote a crappy gp essay btw. i think veluri will wonder how i got what i got for gp when she sees it. metaphorically i suppose it might have been interesting, but academically speaking it was junk.

Change is the only constant.
We need to adapt to survive.
It is the law of nature.

How ironic it is that i should be eating my own words.

aha. i haven't blogged damn long. ladidum. anyway i think i'll be changing the blog music.

Ahh lets see. i think i'll bitchrantandwhine about ms MEANYA today.

I really can't stand our new CT. She's a million times worse den yeochinghunn. like a million times a million. which would make i don't know how much which is probably why i failed my maths with a big fat F. But anyway, she doesn't know how to handleour class. which is understandable i guess, since she's new and all. but then she should at least take precautions not to like anyhow make judgements. She says we don't have class spirit and all, which in a way is true, since the class is divided smack down in the middle, but that isn't to say we don't care about each other and whatever insinuations she may make. she stinks. i sure as hell hope she isn't writing our goddamned testimonials. Whats more, today i passed her this ridiculously heavy file and she just snatched it from me rudely, in a way that suggested i was dramatizing its weight. which i was lah. but whatever. i might be just petty, but only petty to people i already don't like.

aha today stank while class lasted. janahan and hadri nvr came. and den uni left 1hr20mins after i came to school. grumble. aha but at least after that was fun. haha i went with yixun to his debate training. which is fucking funneh. hahaha.

and buy my shirts. faster. i'm getting lazy. and changwen is scolding me.

aha hello
here's the link
Buy shirts here :)
haha bud if yu want to buy find me or changwen. aha thankyou

Aha hadri. stop that.
okayyy. those idiots at angelfire don't like me putting up stuff.
anyway whatever. hmmpf. what a failed attempt.

Anyway. haha i just came back lugging one humongous plastik bag of shirts. as you may have already guessed, yeah i'm selling them with changwen. aha yeah. i don't have his link yet, but i'll probably post it later, it shows all the shirts we have. aha. buy from us! haha we've got nice polo tees and shortsleeve/longsleeve shirts. all polo ralph lauren. going for much less then the price tag you see in taka. haha

Okay anyway i posted another post but blogger doesn't seem to want to show it so anyway here's the Link

oh well. hope it sells.

okay anyway. aha i've decided to try geocities instead. and change it to blurry. i have this feeling i'll run in the same problem though. it'll disappear after a while cos geocities will ban me. haiz maybe i shld give up. and hadri for the millionth time i really don't think there's a dj muthu. hahhahaha.

Aha. yay~
i've added music! :)

Aha. fan just sent me that bizarre love triangle song. the remixed one.
Normally i don't post song lyrics. But i find them especially pertinent today.

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Stabbing Westward - Bizarre Love Triangle

its wierd. i waslooking arnd at people's blogs. and of course talking to my friends.
We're not the only ones who suddenly feel so tired of life.
So tired of going to school. You know, i miss that feeling. When I used to like going to school. To see my friends, classmates, people i care about and i know care about me. I used to look forward, to anticipate something, that there would always be something new in store the next day. And its only now that i realise how thankful i am for that.

Everything just seems to have no point now.

No. point. All we're doing is the same as everyone. There's no purpose. We can't look forward anymore. Our goals are pointless, because they don't mean anything when we're done. We can't even measure up to silas, who weaves so that he can look forward to counting his gold, because we haven't anything to look forward to. The days keep ticking by now. And they are just that. 24 hours, 60 minutes, nothing but measurements of time, concepts we invent so that we can measure how much of our life we have gotten through.

Now its a battle between good and evil to drag ourselves to school.

(I don't know why i'm using "we".)

Exams even used to have a certain allure. even lessons. I'd look forward to rosie's lesson, even if it wasjust to see who she'd blow up at next. And that was refreshing. because rosie is direct. and what she says is what she thinks. might not be what she means in the long run, but it certainly is what she's thinking at that time. Its a refreshing breath of truth. Although it does sting sometimes.

The world's a big paradox. You can't be a bitch even if you are. And if you try not be a bitch you're a hypocrite. You interpret this as that, that as this, and get it all wrong. Because you'd never know if someone is just "being nice".

How often have we thought to have found someone
Only to find out that you're a flaw to her?

No wonder the pangs of loneliness. We all hunger for someone who isn't acting. Who genuinely likes us for who we are. Accepts our flaws and strengths. Someone we know isn't being politely cordial. Someone whom with we can truly be ourselves. And still be accepted. And it is only through rosie's kind of frankness can we see them.

But how do you truly be yourself when no one ever is? How do you open up with the fear of ridicule. How do you expose your flaws and still be accepted?

We're all fake. its just how well we do it.

One wrong move and its all over.

Is it really no wonder?
No wonder that we're tired of life as we know it?
This isn't how we were meant to live. We weren't supposed to put on smiles and faces for others.

We were meant to live for so much more.

okay that last line was cheesy. but its 1 am and there maths tmrw.

haha i thought so ken. I'm not very surprised. all that pounding HAS to have some effect on thebrain.

Anyway, aha OK FINE, today's chinese was 1-4. i thought itwas 11-3 because someONE told me that. and i woke up at 10 damn sleepy and grumbling about how i'd have to tolerate 4hrs of chinese. thank god i called changwen or i'd be stoning in school like some retard anxiously eager for chinese to start.
Speaking of which my space bar is spoilt. So excuse me if you see two words joined togetherlikethis.
So i flunked chinese most probably. aha i arrived late and the jiang laoshi was scolding me, then i went to my seat and put down my dictionary and then realised i didn't bring mycow up. haha. so i ranall the waydown to get my cow haha. oh well. not thati really cared. haha but the chief examiner or invigilator or whatever you call her wasdamn funny. hahaha.
and then we went to playpool and study. where we found interesting stuffs about chee. hahaha. cheeecheee. tsktsktsk. i tell her then you know.

Ey and i'm not bitchy. i'm just eloquently insulting.

MY dear, you aren't half as smart or cool as you think you are.
If you want to flaunt your intelligence, just make sure its your intelligence and not your stupidity you're flaunting

okay lit was half half. today i realised how rusty i am when it comes to writing essays. WHILE it didn't take me 10 minutes to boot up my brain, my essay was full of ugly carrots and inserts and please turn over to see what i inserted here kindof thing. not to mention a bunch of messy cancellations. poor marker. but i think i did my silas preettty well. as in O level standard kind of answer lah. which shouulldd pass. actually i'm quite confident THAT essay will pass lah. haha. as opposed to my othello one which was complete junk. if i were marking it (yeah i sortof read through my essay and imagined what the marker would do), i'd fail it. horribly. aha. no surprises there though.

and i'm damn irritated with tmrw's paper. chinese sucks man. sucks big time. 4 hour paper with no breaks is horrendous. worse it starts at 11, ends at 3. at the end i'll be one convulsing spastic block of ice. as if it wasn't bad enough this lit paper.

the worst part is that the time could be better devoted to diddling maths.