I would walk on water
Just to be with you.
Split the ocean cross the sea
Walk on water
If you believe.

Okay lah hadri didn't eat. The poor thing just sat there while me and uni ordered a scrumptious meal of grilled fish with spaghetti, garlic bread, and soup. Actually he went up to check movie times for us. hahaha.

TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL never talked about OP day. A pity if you ask me. I thought she'd have alot to falsely credit herself for. Like "Oh intelligent me managed to answer the class' brainlessly stupid questions. LOLOLOL!!!!111!!1!1!".

Speaking of which. Whoever that is on my tagboard is hilarious. I suspect its hadri.

Oh I've forgotten to write down my experience as a statue. I know this is a little late. But its nevertheless one of those things I won't forget so I might as well blog it down.

Its a really fascinating experience. Funny when you're supposed to act still, the world's distractions multiply ten-fold. Of course it might be because there were these people who kept disturbing me, but really at the start I found it really hard to settle down. First there was Mr. Lai who came and put a sweet at my pelvic area, (probably to allude to the action of sucking, but nevermind) then there were other assorted innuendos of pain and whipping AGAIN (really its getting very tiring), etc. etc.

But at the same time it was liberating. Strange isn't it, when in actuality you're confined to keeping still. Makes you wonder about the irony of reaction, of being confined within response. I found myself being able to completely ignore people that I very much wanted to in real life, if only because telling them what they wanted to hear or acting the way they expected was too tiring. Its interesting, because at the beginning I had all these urges to react to people, to respond, to affirm. Yet after a while I realized that I didn't need to. The world didn't stop turning just because Tim didn't respond to someone. It wasn't armaggedon just because I didn't return irritating comments with a forced smile.

Perhaps it was like a blue slip to skip the homework of life.

But then I zonked out after a while. Perhaps not very eloquent, but for lack of better words. I just stared into space, and for a while, it seemed that what I saw, life in all its transience, was but a veil draped over my eyes. And somehow I felt that perhaps if I focused long enough, I could stare past the curtain and escape into a reality that could be so much more entrancing than this tedious masquerade.

And so I spent an hour trying to burn a hole. Through the curtain, with just my eyes.

The soul is willing but the flesh is weak. Unfortunately my piddly-stick-arms (as yixun puts it) felt like giving way after an hour plus of sitting in a reclining position. And as I stepped back into the blinding whirl of life, I felt a little regret as I let the solid constancy slip away.

So I don't recall much of what I saw. But it was enervating. In both actual and wrong usages

Went to town to eat with hadri and uni.

I think I decide you aren't even worth bitching about over here. An utter waste of space would be devoted towards a sadly unimportant runt.

Shall choose passion over pragmatism this time. Have learnt lesson from last year.

I'm lost confused and in a whirl.
This is a step I'm not willing to take. But this is a step that may liberate me. All my life I live within confines. Shape yourself to fit in the mold life throws you.
What do you know. Of the dark secrets within the light exterior. Of what goes on behind this ever smiling face. What exactly do you think I'm smiling at?

Hokay. Have thrown music into this place. Yes its really music. I kid you not.

Ladidum. B3 for GP. A little dissatisfied (always am) but makes the mark i guess. after all only need B3 for GP to do stuff anyway. Bloody compre. Give me 2 more marks also cannot. heh.

D for history. Oh well.

Now on to more interesting stuff. You may have pressed the glaring stop button on the right of this page to stop that awful goddamnit drumming noise, but if you haven't, thats unfortunately the kind of stuff i listen to sometimes. A poor reflection of my music tastes perhaps, but hey, it makes me happy and delirious. Jumping around in my room can be quite exhilarating sometimes. Especially when the com is a wreck, the cd-player has broken down, and the TV literally blew up two days ago. Yes I mean blew up. It when *BOOM* and there was a blinding flash of white and then the TV wasn't working anymore. Sucks I tell you.

Whatever life I had has just collapsed in decay. I mean all this was coming. Keep a com for 5 years, don't expect it to play anything decent in 5 years. Dump heavy books like lord of the rings (hardcover edition i might add) on top of the player, CD part confirm spoil lah. And TV. Well. They had when I was 5. I think. I've watched everything from sesame street to alias and friends on it. The thing has practically grown up with me, I feel a little sorry that its now constantly black and smells smoky.

Other snippets of interest. TRSQUARE strikes again. Do visit her for your daily dose of entertainment. I guarantee that you will exit her website with a totally new perspective on life. She has got to be the most amusingly pathetic and self-deluded person on earth.

AND BENJAMIN CHEN. I TELL YOU NOW. THE IT IS A HE. =)

Hokay. Have got back freaking results. Well not really all, just two of them actually. Maths is a C which is a relief. Although admittedly could be better. But am happy and content. One mustn't expect too much in RJ.
Econs is Low B. Am actually a little dissatisfied. Would have been happier with higher B/A of course. But that is stating the obvious. I hope I'm able to do S paper. Hope.
So as of yet. Dream of taking econs and lit S still not shattered. completely. thankfully. Sentences are short because self just woke up. Yes at freaking 1:40 AM. Suspect self to have problems with biological clock.

Anyway, yesterday was supposed to go umm. zouk. Then for fear of the evil malay bouncer who might retain the not-so-old-looking-me with a fake id we were then also supposed to go chijmes. so after meeting changwen and having dinner, we call the rest expecting to go down to chijmes and meet them. Instead we find that we have been jacked. whoohoowhoopeedoo.
Changwen was complaining how we looked ridiculously like a gay date. All through the rest of the night into the movie. hrmmpf.

Anyway while waiting for changwen I did something I haven't done in ages. I toddled around town before settling at borders, curling up into one of those delightful black couches they have, and read lordoftheflies. Which now that I read 4 chapters of it, I wished I'd done it for lit text last year or something. Something about that book strikes a chord with me.
It might be piggy.

In other news-
There is still spyware on this rotting wreck. =(

The word cruel is a strange word.
Say it. Feel it as the air scrapes the roof of your mouth. Observe how it rolls about in the mouth, the embracing of the lips before its final expulsion.
It is a repulsive word. Yet the final bit is somewhat mysterious. The way the tongue ends pointing suggestively upwards. It emnates a certain enigmatic quality about it.

Okay ignore that. I'm bored and rambling.

I think I shall change the pic of my blog. Time for a new demotivator.

I am tired but I will not despair.
I believe that if you keep saying no you will get what you want in the end. So I say now, I refuse. And I will continue refusing until the ends of time and the sky turns an angry purple. Even if the world is to be trapped in the oppressive darkness for all eternity, I would still refuse.
Submission is the true defeat.
Even a hopeless rebellion has spirit.

I shall write my thoughts on 2046. Later. If ever. It is an interesting show, but I maintain that I dislike it. Probably because I refuse to identify with it. Eliot is so much more comforting. Pity she was wrong about the world.
Has pretty fancy camerawork though. Is starting to understand why the flipping movie took 5 years. Lots of attention to detail in it.

In retrospect, I've decided that I need to find ways to express anger/displeasure at anything. I have extremely unhealthy ways of doing this, ranging from acute bitching to holier-than-thou bitching to cold aloof bitching. All of which entail the word bitching. Vindictively gashing new wounds with words. Cannot be good if you ask me. Please don't suggest forgiveness, I am very forgiving. It may precisely be due to the conflict between this innate desire to forgive and the mental rational reminder of the need for deterence and self preservation that may have lead to this unhealthy method.

Either of which the offender owes me for anyway.

If you're coming here looking for a comment or a defense for what you've read, go away. There's nothing to be said. I won't fuel your entertainment.

If you're looking for entertainment in other areas, however, may I direct you to TRSQUARE'S blog. Specifically the entry dated right after she speaks in a not-so-subtle suicidal tone. It would appear to be deja vu, but note the date. Yes, she has repeated her folly not once, but twice, in perpetuating the image that she is at the top of her class.

Pitiful, poor, pathetic creature.

Ah yes I am a hypocrite. *shrug*

Anyway promos have been relatively okay. Econs is looking good actually.
ALthough I predict tmrw I will just flop and die like a cow on a kite. that didn't make sense. nevermind.

Must go back to vietnam.
Chualalongkong awaits.


There's something vaguely wrong with those two statements. I just can't put my finger on it.

Woe betide me.
I need better friends. :(

Oh yeah.
Rumours was really hilarious. I went to watch it with tanyixun and we were 15 minutes late and i was damn scared we wouldn't be let in. Which would really suck having paid 16 dollars for it. Haha but it was really hilarious, abit slapstick at certain points but very british-arts-central-on-thursday-night kind of comedy. A nice way to end the first exam week

Whoopeedoo.
I'm quite delighted. I found the maths paper fine. Fine as in like, I could attempt almost all the questions. which is good, is good.
Anyway, promos so far have been quite uplifting. prospects are looking good. perhaps lady luck has returned. GP was good. Although I didn't get the freaking web thing. I thought it was a little far-fetched actually, I mean a spider-web? Web can be used in many other ways, such as a network what. Ah well. But I think I wrote a reasonable essay, tried and tested, since I've done a similar one before. Promos is no time for experimentation. My melodrama essay on materialism flopped badly before, and I wasn't about to try and find out if I could make it better this time when I had other options.
PC was infuriating in a sense that I didn't manage to write all that I wanted. And on the trip home I took out the poem and decided that there was EVEN more I wanted to write down. But I hope what I wrote was good enough. Ah well.
Econs was fine. Good enough for me. Chee SOUNDS like he may get S paper. But then we'll have to wait and see. Speaking of which that bitch owes me 10 dollars. And I owe him alot of whacks.
Maths I've said already.
ahh good good. Now we'll just have to wait for the next week and then this will all be over.

Yixun please lend me BG2. Its time I regressed to a no-life gamer like you. :)

Everyday I learn something new. =)

I was going to blog something.
But I think sophia's blog says it all. It struck me that that too is how I feel. She's put it just so aptly. And its sad. You may think its presumputuous of me to say so. that the inadequacy I feel is only to be expected of my calibre.
Talking to yixun makes me feel like that too sometimes. (haha i'm not trying to make you feel guilty, i know better than to bother to attempt that). The inadequacy. That I cannot just dump maths and focus on something like lit. That considering how much I struggled against arts initially, I accepted it, but when I tried to pursue it, I fell. Providence has not favoured my performance this year. I may have very well bored my brains out in science. But I was streamed to arts, and on acceptance of that I tried to pursue the humanities, but was denied that too. Perhaps lady luck shall end her mischief with the denial of my S paper, her last grand finale. Or perhaps she shall return for an encore next year, and then I will be stuck in Singapore, doing NS as a PR, and preparing for the dismal life in NUS. The dismal possibilites are endless. It is saddening.

Who am I, so small and insignificant, to climb uphill against fate. All our hopes and struggles, they just bleed into wash. The hard work never seems worthy in the face of failure

Despair has set in. As if it wasn't enough to shatter my hopes and dreams into a million pieces, reality has to come crashing down and grind them into fine dust. Dust that will be blown away, leaving nothing but a barren empty shell.

It cannot end like this!

Ah, but it will.

She's right. Its no use musing. No one will believe me. I have, after all, consigned myself to this fate.