aiyah crap
my teddybear images aren't working. the server died or smth. crap
anyway, i'm sure there's someone who used that template
i'll just find him and use it. =P

i'm discussing wif cw now who else hasn't held a girl's hand. me him and szekiat so far are in the same sampan. bleeargh.

YaY!
i got 8 A1s. i'm damn happi! Happi! HappPI! HAPPI!
but i was too tired to celebrate larh i guess. i just went home after the results. too sleepie and sick from keef's house yesterday. and i'm a blabbermouth when i'm drunk larh. or tipsy. ok i wasn't wasted, i was just high, but i was tokking alot of rubbish sia. haha crap.
anyway i've realised i'm quite shallow lousy. lousylousy me. lousylousylousy. i don't know how to comfort people. i'm so lousy. I don't know how to react to the people who were disappointed. I just don't know what to say... and i feel really bad because i know they're feeling realli lousy, but there's nothing that i know how to do to cheer them up. I even sometimes end up avoiding them to avoid that sense of helplessness i get...
i wish there was something i culd do.

I haven't found out who's not staying, but i'll miss u all. i hope chee can stay... realli do. through appeal or whatnot. and ferris oso... they don't have to be uprooted and thrown into another jc... and honestly they deserve rj alot more than some people. ok thats a presumptuous statement on my part.

and i tink i'll apply for humans. hope i can get in =P

zach just told me tt i shld stop letting people bully me like this. Its the third time someone told me that this WEEK.
He's right. everyone who's told me this in one form or another's right.
Its not really the fault of people who take advantage of me. I guess i just let myself be taken advantage of. I don't know why i do it... maybe its because i'm too weak to standup for myself? Too afraid to cause trouble, initiate conflict, because i'll probably lose out in one.
Maybe its the simple naive belief that if i help people people will help me back in return. Which really isn't always the case, i know. But some part of me refuses to giveup the hope that all people are nice people.
But its most probably because i've fallen into such a state that i've become incapable of resisting. Or that noone really takes me seriously when i do. Lost of dignity and pride, nothing to vent the void.
Don't get me wrong, there's alot that these same people who sometimes take advantage of me have done for me. I'm not THAT stupid as to let people whom i don't bother about use me. But sometimes it can get a little too much, and i wonder about the validity of "helping in return for a future favour". Thats what i used to think.
Am I giving up too much?
But what can i do, when no one's there to pull me up.

ihatemyfatheragain. he has no intellectual progression at all. i don't think he's capable of learning anything, only STORING things.
anyway, i'm back from dramafeste, and i must sae tt its overall quite nice. i was late so i missed the cps one, but the arts and med were good, the actors were good. i tink med will win though, cos arts seems all slapsticky, and while its a good laugh, i think the judges will be more inclined towards the med one.
oh den on the way home we went on a wrong turn, so me and eugene went plowing through the entire housing estate that seperates our houses from the other branch after peihwa. its damn funny, we just got lost in this maze of housing estates, and thankfully we met this kind man who told us how to find this 'secret' staircase that leads down to upper bukit timah road. hahaz luckily we met him lah...otherwise we wuldn't be home now.
i wanna join rp. haha i tink i shld join it. somehow it'll all make sense if i do :P. hopefully i'll go join them next intake.

i need to analyse this event in my life cos i'm bored.
Basically, the event is that mingkun and huimin took eugene's fone. so when i met wif dem at orchard, we screwed arnd wif his fone larh, den on the way back i thought "why don't i pass eugene back his fone today instead of him getting it back the next day and having a longer lag-time before he resolves whatever shit we sent?", so i told mingkun to pass me the fone so i could pass it to eugene larh, since he lives so near me.
So when i got to his house, i called him, den he was bz bathing so i waited downstairs by the pool. when he came down, he suddenly put on this damn xiong look, den he came at me like some chao ahbeng yelling "you think its damn funny rite?". then liddat he kept approaching me until he damn near larh, his fists clenched and held at his chest. he was so near i culd smell his breath larh... so tts how jialat it was. he den started kaopehing about how his parents grounded him and wahtever just cos he DIDN'T HAVE HIS FONE wif him when he got home. so i just got fedup and said whatever, passed him his fone, and left.
okay to give him a little credit, he did actually apologise later. kind-of. said he over-reacted.
truth is, i was damn pissed wif him. damn damndamn damn pissed. i mean, i went over to his house, gave him his bloody phone, if he doesn't want to give me a thanks on the account that i sent a few messages, fine, but he actually gave me this shit when i bothered to pass it to him larh. and the worst part is, i'm not even to blame for his parents screwing him, cos it wasn't even me who koped his fone. he doesn't have a right to act that pissed at all. and no, its not a misunderstanding, he knew goddamn well that mingkun took his fone.
so after diskussing wif yixun, i've come to the conclusion that eugene actually just wants to let out steam on someone. he can't get pissed wif yixun or mingkun, because there isn't a point at all, they'll just ignore him or worse retaliate. so hu does he get pissed with? the convenient little boy who was stupid enough to deliver his fone for him, on the lousy pretext of being involved because i played arnd wif the fone. i conclude that because i am below him on the pecking order, he has the right to get pissed wif me even though i have nothing to do with why he's frustrated.
shiying's rite. i should stop letting pple climb over my head. but its kinda hard to do when ur "wavewornpebbleround".

after mulling over the valentine poem that we're supposed to write for lit, i've just come to the realisation of why i can't seem to write it. The sad answer is, i don't know what i want to say about love, because i've simply too shallow an understanding of it. I've never experience nor tried it before, and thus i have nothing to write about it. all my fuzzy preconceptions, my ideal dreams of it aren't actually anything deep enough to discuss at all.
pity.

aiyah where got spoil. anni where got spoil?

oh well.
i was dateless on valentine. and i was kinda tired of perpetually going out so i decided to be anti-social and stay at home. well partly it was cos of my $60 handfonebill which prompted my parents to confiscate it for god knows how long. so i culdn't contact them. aiyahz.
haha i've bot some stuff to play on my ps2... must remember not to go et again. i tink the guy there hates me. i hate his guts too so who cares.
hmmpf. ken's telling me now abt mtvaa. aiyah i wanted to goooo. siannz
letssee... well on friday i made some shocking disccoveries. hehe. can't write them here. all i can say is they're shocking. vari shocking. vari vari vari shocking. poor her.
on today i'm stoning in front of the com typing this blog entry. i'm about to go eat dinner to. yay.
i tink i'm starting to like my class a LITTLE more now larh. hahaz aaron thng's quite a nice guy acherlie, if u can get past the poserpart. hehe. and i got bitching partner in tt class so its not that bad already. i'd miss some pple if i move out i guess... *Sigh*
and poor jianglei. haha dun get so sad kae? i guess life's like tt larh... shit happens.
oh yah my tagboard's spoilt. but god knows how to fix it. lemme go post a few times and see what happens.

maybe i din mean all of what i said just now
but hell. i tink it'll serve to capture how fedup i was wif my father. thats what a blog/diary is for after all.
i'm tired. i don't know whats wrong with me now. i'm just tired and lonely. maybe cos i'm jealous i guess. haha i see how people seem to have such good friends, tt write such nice stuff for them on their b'daes, and i'm depressed cos i don't think i have anyone who's that close to me. i need good friends. really good friends i can talk to and confide in.
but there aren't many who understand me... not many i can open my mind to. and say whatever i really feel and want. in fact, none. Noone bothers when my b'dae is. Well thats oso probably cos my b'dae falls on lousy days for the past 2 yrs. But noone really listens when i'm hurt, noone understands me well enough to know when i need to talk. i've got fun friends, but none really care about who i am or what goes on in that space between my ears. these pangs of loneliness hurt sometimes. Its funny how someone like me can be lonely sometimes. I always tot myself as having many friends. Or so i tot. i like what's on yixun's blog, it reflects my desperate plea now.

~think of me in my time of pain~

My father is a retard
it is impossible for him to follow any logical reasonable thread of argument at all, despite being a MATh lecturer. And he's goddamn hypocrite as well, whole day complaining about me wasting MEAGRE amounts of money like $10 $20 and then buying retarded sound systems for hundreds of bucks and dumping them in the storeroom. for god's sake he should practice wat he preaches before he lectures me, don't make it sound like he's so good with money like that. And he's so illogical that he can make the most preposterous statements that just serve to irk and frustrate. I'm accounting to my mother how i spent what, and he has to make empty noises about how the money i spend is not mine. does it even have a LINK at all?
he's retarded. goddamn retarded. i can't stand him. i have to move out when i have enough cash, he's absolutely intolerable. he's socially handicapped and can't relate to people, and the worst of all is that i have to relate to him as a father.

oh well.
here it goes.
if i comebackintears i haveonlymyselftoblame

yay. haha i went out wif mark chen's og... nise pple dere. haha tokked rubbish alot at holland v food court. i din noe charlene was in mark's og... haha he nvr told me before. and that jiawen oso. haha not the cheong jiawen, the other jiawen. haha she was quite nice larh, she gave me a lift home, altho she looked damn sianded and stoned tt day.
oh and i bot a teddybear! haha from firas. oh and i found out firas is SOMEONE's eyecandy... heheh.
i dunnoe, i mean i nvr found firas THAT yandao. i mean alot of pple say he's yandao, and i don't deny that he isn't, but he's not go-googoogagaallover is he? haha maybe its cos i've seen him from primary school until now...
i tink all mixedbloods are chio/yandao. generally. its not fair. haha i want malay/angmoh blood in me too.
oh yah. junk just passed me ffx-2 for free! yay! thankyeew! hahaz. well in return i guess i have to deliver his tickets tmrw.

humans party was ok i guess. too bad jingli din turn up at the last minute. aiyah i failed larh. hahahaz
they forsed me to kiss yixun's hand. i still feel very repulsed. even now. i tink i'll go gargle later.
oh after that i went to my mother's party again. haha but this time they weren't gambling... so haiyarz.
aiyah i dun realli feel lyke blogging.
nitenitez

i'm just damn depressed today.
i'm tired larh. fedup. disappointed. down in the pits. i'm sorry i can't go out, but alot of things seem to have to gone wrong these past few days that i just can't drag myself out and look happy. Because i'm not. its not just him, its alot of other things.
I"ll just stay at home and plae the ps2 like a no-life losar. maybe retreating into the fantasy world will make real life easier to deal with later.
I wish i had someone to talk to, but noone would listen anyway. I don't realli have anyone whom i can bare everything to. Maybe thats why i'm so sad as well... cos i can't tell anyone.

i donch know whats up wif him
i realli don't. i reallli realli don't. i dunnoe if he's just screwing arnd wif me or if he's really pissed. and i don't know if i shld really care anymore. i realli shouldn't bother about him larh... goddamnit larh... what's his damned problem. why's he doing this. i mean... i don't deserve this man. really i don't. i'm not there for him to play around at his whim and fancy. i owe him much, but not this much... he doesn't need to take away whatever ounce of self-respect i may have left. if he's itching to get into a fite... i don't know. i'll lose. duh. but he doesn't gain anything either? i mean what the heck does he want? if i'm not good enough for him at least he should just leave me alone. i can handle that. and if he's really pissed with me he should just tell me the fucking reason, not screw around with me like this.

Yay. I've done a whole revamp of my dear blog
its pretty now. yay. i lyke the template. anywayz, if neone ever comes here, i've also installed a tagboard! haha so just tag if u drop by or smth so i know u were here. =)

Sometimes i wonder
what i see in you. curled in your cold hard shell,
draped in thorns, thorns that hurt
anyone wanton enough to dare approach.

i keep telling myself why do i care so much about what you say. i've nvr realli bothered much anyway about what others say abt me, so why you? u make it sound like you own me, in every other instance i'd have yelled at the person, but for you i just seem to get sad. depressed. i don't know what to do in front of you, because you don't give me any way out. i'm not here for ur own ego-boosting goddamnit. i'm not here for you to toss around like a rag doll in order to intimidate other would-be bullies.
And it hurts. hurts that you hold me in so low a regard. hurts that you treat me just like the very same people you despise and look down on. hurts because i could be one of those people in your very eyes. i should just leave you. yet i continue hurting myself by coming back again.
i really wish i could just go down on my knees and ask you to be a little nicer to me. just a little. but you'd despise me even further if i did. Or rather you'd just exploit the situation to the very end. but what can i do when your every comment seems to affect my entire day, until the night when i cry myself to sleep about you.
okay thats a little drama. i don't CRY myself to sleep about you, i just wallow around in my depression until i fall asleep. but then thats probably because i've been numbed till i can't cry anymore.
What is it you want from me?

These gaping wounds, self-inflicted
they serve as not scarlet warnings
but fond, rosy reminders... nay, bittersweet
memories of brushes with you. And a crimson hope
that the next will be less painful.

YayZ. I'm back from my OG's b'dae partee. and i'm goddamn sianded. we wanted to pon sch tmrw but in the end wasn't enuff pple. sianz. And i realli shldn't have eaten so much cheesecake... urgh i feel abit sick now. maybe i'll pon tmrw neway =P.
haha i went markchen's house yesterdae... HE'S DAMN CHIO! haha even when he was younger, he alreadi looked damn chio... haha i carn beleef that noone ever said he was a chiobu in his secondary school... haha he's so petite larh... altho he's got a black belt in karate and a punching bag in his room. newayz we played truth or dare dere... yah i got to noe alot of pple from his class...funkeh pple hehe maybe i'll go sit wif dem next arts lecture. hehe.
oh yeahx. crap. i'm working on a deadline here. neway i need to know abt jingli, and her friends. its urgent. it has to be done before the humans combined class partee. hahahaz. thousand rose petals forever! hahahaX.
i'm damn shagged now acherlie. i realli dunwan to go to sch tmrw. realli realli. but i oso dunwan to stay at hoomE! haiyarhz.
maybe i'll go sleep and decide tmrw larh