i want to curl up. into a little ball. huddle myself up. and cry. Not so much out of sorrow. Because i then want you to come from behind and embrace me in your arms. i want to feel your cheek on mine, as you whisper words of comfort in my ear. i want to turn my head and see in your eyes genuine concern and agony. My agony. I'd bury my head in your shoulders, and you'd rock me gently, kiss me and taste the salty tang of my tears. Taste my pain. You'd tell me everything's all right
And it would be. Because you were there.
Let me find you quickly before the darkness engulfs me.
Let me find you quickly.

And so it ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
ooh read yixun's poem. Its quite interesting. But depressing. Is sorrow so beautiful...so writeable abt? I guess so. We tend to romanticize our sufferings.
I wish poems were happy for once. A conflicting issue where the concluding outcome is happy. But they're never. They're always either shocking, something really deep and serious, and more often then not depressing. Induces rush of sad-hormones. haha why can't poems be the opposite, and induce rush of happy-hormones (endorphins! =P)!
Maybe cos happiness is trivial, fleeting. Not much to write about there. Its a simple emotion. Sorrow has a million facets, happiness one. Happy situations are for the moment, sad situations for going home and moping.
Anyway enuff crapping abt that.

Yay~. uni bot takopachi from taka for me. haha yay! thankyew uni!
anywayz, the previous post was rudely interupted by my parents before i culd explain. Its basically me letting my thoughts flow and then picking them out and putting them down as they come. It'll be interesting if i can remember it later.
Anyway, haha today was an okay day. Amazingly i din fall asleep, so i culd pay attn for once. In god knows how long.
Its yihong's b'dae todae oso! haha we forgot to buy smth for him though... -oops-
And its ec's b'dae soon. maybe i'll ask yixun to get smth wif me.

I'm going to try smth. Haha this won't make coherent sense.

I'm up again. not sleeping. wats wrong wif me? Bored to tears too. 5thplace. How could he? Wilful pleasure of rejection. Sensation of power. Game of emotions. Me too? They too? Us all? Deep dark desire, playful denial of one so dependant.
GODDAMNED IRRITATING. shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
Not liked. Hated. whY? effeminate to repulsion, tattling in disgust. lie covering lie, deceit to language
Guilt. Superficial guilt. Emotional drain. base and mindless, life turned to newspaper.
Concern. Debut depression. punch me. Girls. they fuck us all up.
Theatre actor, standup comedian, live entertainer. We remember the jokes, not the faces. Long gone, will you remember? Be at my grave, lay down flowers. remember. I pleased you, at least remember. drawn into society, forced apart, self-denied agreement, imminent emotional implosion. Traded your smiles for mine. Life so empty. Lost from thine. Filled with bleeding imperfect earth.

Hmm. that was interesting. haha oh shit

I wonder why i wrote all that just now. haha i just felt like writing abit in case i got rusty i guess.
Anyway today, i resolve to stop ponning tutorials, and consider lectures. hehe. Partly cos my chinese teacher now finally realises that i exist. hahaha.
I'm a little confounded as to why geoffrey lee went to tell her that i was 1st intake though. Haha i mean wth! at least give me a way out leh! aiyah now i had to tell her that i took hcl and blah blah blah blah. I feel quite bad lying to her cos she seems to be a really nice person... ah well crap. I was forced into a corner. What'd u expect me to say? "oh yah i know i was supposed to come for chinese but i nvr showed up cos i hate the subject?" Aha but nvm lah... why bother.
haha as joel leong says, at first the percentage of pple u culd tokk to was 90%, now its 40%. Which is kinda sad. the heya tribe's expanded. haha janahan says now we're in danger of being the heyas, since the new heyas culd form the majority, which wuld make us the minority.
and i hate jeanette! haha. cos chong came over, den jiawen went to ask her to show us some moves, then that stupid jeanette said TIM U WANT CUP ANOT? LATER U DROOL ALL OVER THE FLOOR. haha so paiseh! >_<

Booth asked long long long long ago if we would rather live in a world full of people brimming with self-confidence, or a world with self-doubting people. The reason i'm bringing this up is that i realise i'm in the former.
Booth argued that such a world is much less than perfect, and i can see why. Simply because people can't agree, and because they're so sure in their conviction, they seem to be unable to see the other's point of view. I agree with him. In my opinion its silly. ridiculously. Because by seeing another's opinion you gain more than by stubbornly closing the door on the other view. You gain an alternate viewpoint, you expand your horizons. Conversely, by being so sure of oneself, one is bound to try to impress one's viewpoint on others, thus being a source of conflict. Such self-confidence can sometimes lead to misplaced passion that is blinding and dangerous.
Which is why i'm happy to be a self-doubting person i guess. To be Silas. To be young and impressionable, able to learn from others, because of a sense of self-inadequacy. Others may feel its weak, indecisive, and fickle. I disagree, because i feel that only when you are able to see both sides of the issue, can you fully appreciate the subject as a whole. Besides, sometimes conceding is the only way out of a conflict, especially with the above said people.
But its dispassionate as well. In the end I never really feel strongly about anything, or anyone. Because when you see the maggots crawling through the bark, even the trunk seems to lose some of its magnificence.
I borrowed that last metaphor from a book. But its a nice metaphor anyway. Don't you agree?

~you're still with me in my dreams~

oh long time since i've blogged.
Anyway i'm feeling oddly shitty with myself now. which is why i'm up at such a wierd time. doing god knows what.
I feel selfish. i'm angry with myself but i don't know why. Maybe its because i'm becoming more pretentious? hypocritical? I pretend to be able to stand people i realli don't like that much. Its tiring and draining.
Maybe i've become more critical. Noticing the flaws in people and finding it harder to accept them. Or am i just trying to find a nice way of saying superficial? I feel shallow now... and i don't know why.. but i feel somehow cheated. tired.
Don't get me wrong. Its nothing to do with anyone else. Its just me.
And chee might be going. I know its selfish of me... but i really hope he doesn't go to nj science. haha but his future's more impt i guess. yah.
Ahh i can't recall anything. I just feel so helpless now. and its wierd cos i can't exactly pinpoint why. Maybe its just the regression of my life. Going out so much, i haven't touched schoolwork for days. i'm screwing up my life. and i have none but myself to blame. I'm overspending too... shit lah what am i doing. I owe a hellot of munny everwyhere.
haha oh well something nicer. I realli like 3 doors down's here without you. acherlie i just like the "you're still with me in my dreams" part. hahaz.
Anyway maybe i'll go sleep. mull over things. resolve to drag myself out of this cesspool.

hahaz... lianne's blog's veri funnie. she's quoting alex mcurdy. hahaz... she deserves part of it lah though. maybe not to such a horrible degree, but she does deserve some of it.
anywayz, where's fan! i want to plae mahjong. haiz. my mother took my fone AGAIN so i can't contact anyone and am cut off from the rest of the world. siAn.
oh i watched the eye 2... which isn't as scary as the mirror trailer but nvrmind. haha shit if i tokk abt it i'll start thinking abt it den i'll get scared den... oops too late.
anywayz. i dunnoe wat to join. haha 2nd intake's here now... so i've got to decide on a cca before i have to permanantly say byebye to my pearls. which is an utterly retarded system in my opinion. toolan lah.
oh shit. i haven't bot my uniform. haha -oops- what'll i wear to school on monday?
i'm broke like shit too. i hafe debts of abt $40 all over the place again. shit lah i need more munny. hahaz. i overspend too much... its a bad habit carried over from last year.

I hangout wif yixun alot. I just realised. haha my past 3 posts all had yixun in them.
anyway i'm just stoning at home overheating the ps2 for the past 2 days... cos my mother doesn't let me out nowadays, cos she thinks i spend too much munny, which is partly true. i need munny. again.
haha i've finished kingdom hearts. yay. now i dunnoe what to do. haiyar sian. maybe i'll hop down to beauty world and order smth tmrw.

Anyway friday went fine. haha sheesh. i dunnoe what all my friends were making a fuss over. although i appreciate the fact that they're trying to help larh... but its just a dinner. its not even a one on one dinner... haha SHEESH. =P
Yixun should stop punching pool with me too. its not good for his ego. hahahaz.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
sukuen's brother is damn yandao! damn damn damn yandao! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
haha shit lah! she just sent mi his foto. he's damn yandao! damn damn damn yandao!
ARRRHHHH
*stops whining*

haha okay neway, i went to town to dillydally again, i met hadri and smriti and suwee. i lyke smriti's file. she should give it to me. who cares if it says girls rock. i want smriti's file. its how nicee... haiyarz. i want too many things.
march hols coming! its ridiculous. i haven't played mahjong since the start of this year. wot rubbish is this. haha i shld be playing mahjong like crazy wif jeanette and max and whoever else wants to play.
i need to save munny because tt stupid yixun wants me to AHEM AHEM pay for him tmrw. >_<. i need munny. MUNNY!
i need too many things

I went out with yixun again. now i is broke. -sniffle-
anyway something funny happened todae. haha me and yixun were browsing at hmv when suddenly yixun suddenly picked up this cd called "whale rider" and said its a good movie. i started laffing like shit... den after a while den only yixun got it... haha then he called me a pervert. I mean hullo? when yixun saes a movie's good, and it has some suggestive and wierd title like "whale rider", what'd u expect me to think! hahahahaz i culdn't stop laughing for damn long.
anyway i din go sch todae... haha me and yx ponned and slept onthe bus for damn damn long. we just took rides on the bus so we culd sleep. hahaz. den we went out wif laura and estherfoo and pravin and zach to watch timeline. haha my second time, its quite dreary second time round. den yixun came over to my hse for a while to plae dynasty warriors 4. haha he's damn stupid he keeps trying to kill lu bu and wasting time. stupid boi.

I need my munny. fast. where's my munny?

I shouldn't go out with yixun. He is bad influence. i just spent 25 munny on food and food just going out with him. no good, no good, i'll be broke at this rate in two days.
Oh well... if not i'll just fall back on my mother's 240 munny which she STILL hasn't given me. I *borrowed* abit of munny from my brother and i haven't exactly put it back yet, so she'd better hurry before he finds out that his munny is missing.
wats more yixun's convinced me to save $20 by friday. i hate him. he's like a black hole that just sucks in all my munny.
I've also been playing too much kingdom hearts. MUNNY! what a cute way of saying something so material. It alludes to hunny as well, which makes it all more child-like cos its associated wif winnie the pooh.
hahaz.

hahahahaha
go read yixun's parody abt ec! hahahahahaz.
anyway, where the heck is my mother. she's supposed to be back. by now. so i can consider going out.
I haven't been home for quite long... i'm alone now. and quite happy actually. I sort of miss home... a little tired of constantly going out. sian larh. although i really should go say happi b'dae to yee. oh well. maybe i'll find the strength to drag myself out of my hobbit-hole (yes my room is that small).
I want to find a song to play on the piano. something simple and sweet. but i dunnoe where to find it.

i find it odd that when someone you like likes you, you find it very hard to accept. Which is the case for SOMEONE. She seems absolutely blinded to the obvious signals and bases her denial on the nitty gritty details. which is totally not the case. At first i tot she was being a little modest, but now i tink she's REALLY thinking that he doesn't like her. which isn't the case at all. Haha oh well. I should try and convince her one of these days. silly girl.

And anyway, i've explained. which is good. and bad. ahh screw it. Haha i've been reading my past bloggies and i've realised how embarassed i am now tt some pple have read it. haha i sound so pathetic.

HELLO EVERYONE!
haha i'm happy. theresa gave me chai dao kueh to cheer me up. even though i realli wasn't that sad larh. haha but neway... thx benben! =P
And apparently yixun noes about this blog. and he's been reading it. and finding it veri interesting. but acherlie i don't care. i trust people who read this blog to at least give me some face. and not tell her. I place alot of faith in people i guess... i hope its not misplaced. But as i'm tokking to SOMEONE i can't help thinking it is.
I'm not happy. this is my blog. yu shouldn't be reading this. yes that means yu. i keep it open cos i'm hoping tt i can let some pple i know well read it. and cos i trust those people.
eugene can't seem to see the difference between how telling the whole world my blog addy and me gossiping abt him. well the difference is that my blog is my private thoughts and feelings. its all true. undisputable. and quotable. yixun's blog is not necessarily true, highly disputable, and quotable for entertainment.
This is a space for me to express myself. to do wierd things. to explore and see how i think. If i wanted everyone to know my life my blog'd be like yixun's. Public-oriented. For people to read.
I just hope tt u'd all understand. What i say here is what's deep down inside me.
Anyway, now tt's out of the way. I've gotta explain to her soon... and fast before it gets out of hand. I hope i'm not repulsive enough to scare her away... i hope.
And i've transfered class! to 1A01D. haha tt class is damn slack. damn damn slack. and its happening oso. well quite. the pple there are all friendly and niceee =). weifen's also joined tt class todae... so she and me are the two new pple dere. Uni and tiffany ong and david goh and joel leong and janahan and geoffey lee are all dere... david goh is damn funny, he and geoffrey lee can go start comedy show. Anyway my new class' realli nice... though i do miss the pple from my old class too i guess. at least i ended up in a nice class, so the transition wasn't tt bad. i was realli scared i'd endup in a boring and unfriendly class.
And my day was great todae. haha cos pple were still telling me to cheerup even though i pretty much was okay. =) thx alot evvone... its nice to noe pple care abt u =)

I don't think i'll detail down what happened today... I was just depressed larh. veri. my day got progressively worse and worse. max and jeanette hafe left my class, and its like empty now. i just don't feel like going for classes at all.
anyway, its nice to know so mani pple care abt mi... yeah realli nice. That there were pple to try and cheer me up. Made me feel alot better and loved. =P heheZ. tt sounded abit gay but nvm.

Anywayz its all just a joke to you. lets keep it that way.

i need to get this out of my system too.
i dunch know if i'm good enuff. I'm back to the same problem. Issit alot better just to see from afar, at most be ur friend? Or will going in, taking the risk, be worth it. If it backfires i'll be how loser larh. and how depressed. cos she'll be awkward arnd me and in the end it just won't be the same. I want to be her friend. I also want to be more.
But i'm not good enough for her larh. She's got everything, she's all there. why on earth wuld she even consider someone like me? She's the kind that can take her pick at whoever she wants, i've nvr probably even popped into her brain.
Maybe i culd test the waters? haha get to know her better and find out how she feels?
But... urgh.
I'm happy she's staying. But it also comes to the question. What do i do now that she's staying?

I can't decide whether to take history or geog

Case for geog:
I want to take geog because firstly, i've taken it in secondary school before. which makes it slightly more familliar than history. But the problem is i've only taken human geography in secondary school, whereas here in jc the geography has all that nice-looking but scary physical geography, with all the rocks and landforms and whatnot. And i hate that kind of thing, because its mostly mugging and memorizing, altho it is quite nice to look at. Human geography is realli more about bullshitting, because its basically explaining what most rational people wuld do given a certain situation, i.e. mainly common sense. Physical geography is all nice and pretty to look at, but when it comes to the crunch where u have to know what forms at thisthisthis trench as a result of thathathat plate and thathatthat plate, i'm not sure i can handle it.

Case for History:
I want to take history because, well because i'm not sure if i want to take geog. But... although i might not want to admit it, part of the reason whye i want to take history is cos the pple taking history are funkier =P. and i want to go someone's class =P. but the problem is, since i've never taken it before, i'm not sure about the subject. from secondary school, it seems that history is similar to human geog, but with a little memorizing thrown in as well when it comes to dates and events. So geography is more well-segregrated in terms of the mugging/non-mugging components, while history isn't. As a subject, history doesn't seem that appealing though. must be all the stereotypes abt history being dusty and old.

The case for geog seems stronger. Of course it is. i don't have any information about history.
I THINK... haiyar damnit i hate committing myself. I hafe commitment problems. haha i'm not going to make a good boyfriend either at this rate.

I tink i'll take........................ history.
I hope i don't regret this