I think it's very odd. There are people like me who fall in love quite often, and there are those who don't at all. And there are those who fall once and never fall again.

It all lies in our differing conceptions of love.

I envision love to be a crazy, heady thing that consists of midnight visits, secret rendezvous, glorious romantic expressions and an immortal bond that will bind us together. If it must end it must end - with a bang, a melodramatic ending, a tear-jerking parting that can only part of what Milan Kundera calls "Great Love". And indeed, this love can be extended to anyone, its passion stems from a love for this love itself. Retracting it is painful - but it is a wound that will heal without a scar.

Those who don't fall in love see love as a fated ideal. It is something that will come to you, and in all fatalism, it is best to wait for it to come then to force it against circumstance. In the meantime they will play. They believe love will happen, and so they wait, and play to fill up time. I do not think I can do that. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I cannot annul vaccancy when I am aware of it.

The last, I believe, have been burned by true love. True love is not a raging bonfire like Great Love. No, it is not wild and untamed as I envision it to be, because true love contains a more quiet sort of passion. It does not seek attention, it does not seek to proclaim to the world, to make a statement and add to image. No, true love is love for the individual, growing to love her faults, as much as that may sound impossible, and learning to encompass her entire character into one feeling. To some extent we must look for it, but truly, such things are fated. If one's lot is poor true love will evade him, and then it will never come true again. It is something I cannot profess to understand nor have experienced, I can only make these grasps in the dark from what I speculate.

So Immature Tim. So immature.

Check.

Two more things to do.

I'm Fine. CTs have been moderately kind past the first day.

I am extremely annoyed with my PC because I think I am going to screw it up thanks to the fact that I spent 6059873405698 years on the first poem and left the second, juicier, and notably more difficult poem to be done in the span of 25 minutes. Time management is a serious factor, something I narrowly brushed against in my Econs essay as well. But well.

Lit today was, as it usually is, the most satisfying paper. Unfortunately, it often produces the must dissatisfying marks. Followed by Econs.

I'm doing fine! After CTs I want to go out and get drunk. Not club, just get piss drunk so that someone needs to carry me home again. I've been deprived of such things for too long. If I somehow succeed please Do take care of me, yes? Even though I may be pukey and disgusting and snivelling, I assure you I appreciate it. It's when you see me at my worst that I know you'll be there all the time.

ARRGH THIS IS NOT GOOD MY HISTORY IS NONSENSE
I AM GOING TO FAIL AAH.

nervous breakdown is imminent.

(Don't mind me I'm just exaggerating)

Maybe - just maybe, God is the answer.
(My, my. Getting desperate aren't we Tim?)

Any solution to my current state of shittiness would really be appreciated. As usual, since I've aspired but not worked (again) I think I shall get dismal grades for the CT that I had much higher hopes for.

I want to bawl like a baby now.
(Oh stop lamenting your fate.)

See Tim.

Eustacia Vye and you have the same divine passions. I quote from the book:

To be loved to madness - such was her great desire. Love was to her the
one cordial which could drive away the eating loneliness of her days. And
she seemed to long for the abstraction called passionate love more than any
particular lover.

Ah but you see, there lies a teeny weeny little problem. You will not sit next to the "Helioses and the Cleopatras" in heaven. Nonono. We cannot call you "Queen of Night", not when your presence has yet to bring "memories of Bourbon roses, rubies, tropical midnights and eclipses of the sun". If Eustacia Vye, in all her goddess-like regality, fails to find someone to satisfy her passionate craving, then, unless you do something about your appearance, you will most certainly be doomed to the "eating loneliness of her days". She may be the "raw material of divinity", but You have much refining to do.

Much.

I wonder what happens to her at the end of the book?

It starts today then. Something has happened.

Bedazzle me.

I don't know what to say. It is extremely strange to feel a sudden surge of sympathy for someone whom I had little, if any regard for. And yet this sympathy is cheap, it is induced by an act of exhibitionism, a blatant tout for pity. But still it is deep. I cannot shake it off.

I feel terrible for her. Yet what does that do? Nothing. You see despite all our shortcomings all our flaws and monstrosities no one deserves to die so early, no one deserves to have such a family. No one deserves to die. I can only say such curses in rage but never in my normal disposition. Her life has been such a mess it is terrible. No, "terrible" does not do justice to it. In this aspect I truly do feel sorry, for not just doing nothing, but perhaps adding to it as well.

It does not help though, that she chooses to make such a big deal out of it. Of pasting gothic pictures and posting fatalistic poems. Of lamenting her terrible fate on an online diary for all to see. To suffer in silence is to suffer in dignity. I would have profound respect for her if she did, that hand in hand with her plight may have driven me to do Something, but no, there is no respect here -

Only pity.

I see no noble heart that plans to leave a lasting impression with the short life she has ahead of her, like a short but brilliant shooting spark that rises from a bonfire in the night. No, I only see one wallowing in self-pity, indulging in a strangely morbid narcissism, and all in all, not using the tragedy in her life to accomplish something. And that, in essence, is why all I feel is simple pity.

Tragedy is a genre of Drama. If drama is life in technicolour, then tragedy is the paint with which the scenes are coloured - Tragedy is power: Power to accentuate your accomplishments, to sharpen your successes and bring brilliant colour to life. Those who fail to use it command nothing but pity. But those who Do - they hold us all in awe.

I think I have learnt something from here.

It is 1AM. I realize that I tend to blog at these times, for weird reasons. I also start entries with "I am bored" in most cases.

So then -

I am bored.

Yes I really am studying is boring maths is the language of the devil (I know it's actually physics but hell they're interrelated anyway). History is all a blur to me. Econs makes sense in my head but not when I see questions and have to actually write essays. Lit is interesting. Lit S is too interesting. I have no idea what to do for common test, and STILL have not done mcconnell's essay, and am starting to feel the temptation to drop LitS which horrifies me. I shall write the essay tmrw. Using... Oh I don't know I'll come up with something.

On another note, I think Eustacia Vye is goddamned sexy. I don't agree with the artist's impression behind the book. I think she should be donned in sexy getup similar to wonderwoman's, without the star-striped-banner nonsense of course. And Definitely in black.

I have also been watching X-Men Evolution and Justice League somewhat religiously, if you haven't already guessed. Ooh Apocalypse is back.

I plan to go on a DVD watching spree after CTs. I will watch Eternal-Sunshine, Closer, Home at the End of The World, Nightmare Before Christmas and Constantine all on a lazy Friday Afternoon while the poor Science students scribble frantically into their Chemistry Answer Booklets. Hah.

Dumdeedum. All in all a very fulfilling life, I suppose. Life has been good these days. Except for the Occasional Disappointment. But then again, you know like in To Earthward, what is joy that is not dashed with pain?

You. Is a bitch.
On that note. I'm flying back now whoopee!
I have much studying to do though. Hrmm.

Now on the contrary, there ARE things to do in Penang

I've been shopping! Waha stuff in Malaysia is quite cheap thanks to the exchange rate I can get good shirts for 30 odd ringit from Levi's which is really a steal. At the moment the current loot stands at two T-Shirts and one Levi's Jeans, am planning to hopefully add a Shirt, a Cap and Nice-Nice-Shoes to the bounty. If I can find them. Oh and socks as well! They have so many sock-shops here it's quite scary.

Yixun I have bought you Lost-in-Translation if you don't like it too bad. Either way let me watch it fast.

Is now 1:30AM on a Monday morning. I'm on the ground floor of my uncle's house using the computer in the dead of the night, and weixian has just ended his chat with me. The solitude is mildly oppressing, I could actually just go up and sleep or chitchat with my mother who is strangely still awake, but I think I shall stay here a little longer. Inertia has always been one of my failings after all. And no matter how I try to persuade, convince or delude myself to move, it still all comes back to the same thing. I cannot deny who I am.

Penang has been quite an eye-opener. I've seen relatives I haven't seen for 8 years. Some of them are well off, some not, and I've realized that all in all I'm really quite pampered back in Singapore. But such feelings will pass soon and I know they will. This kind of superficial sympathy doesn't last. Not when I'm back in Singapore and the commercial whirlpool beckons. I have big dreams. I think I shall revamp my direction in life. Strangely, I have never realized how much I need money.

Family politics are strained business. I hope my family doesn't turn out the way my Mother's family has. But one never knows such things. Back in Singapore it was just the four of us, and it was already quite terrible. It's no wonder when you throw in a few uncles and cousins and one grandmother into the equation that the whole domestic setup just explodes.

My cousins are all married. And have kids. It is odd to have little kids calling me "ah chek" (Which means uncle in hokkien I think. One of the uncles, anyway) at the tender age of 17-and-a-half. Their kids are adorable, really really adorable, I swear the boy loves me to bits. But that was only for a while, as the baby gurgled in the seat behind I looked out the window as my mind turned to other matters.

I would like to have kids. But then again looking at my illustrious record I doubt I'll even get married.

To be forgotten is worse than death. After the As it's time to take control of life, and it is also time to step out of people's lives. But to be forgotten is worse than death - you're right yixun I still suffer the same popularity virus, it's just a different strain. Milder, perhaps - but still there. I still need people to acknowledge me as a form of self-validation, and it's sad. This stupid instinct needs to be killed.

The most important line in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is, in my opinion:

"Okay."

So on this note I leave you then.

I shall be in shit-hole Penang for the next week. Remaking my absolutely redundant Malaysian IC, because the idiot authorities want to refit it with some teknologi thing and will fine me a hefty amount if I don't fly there and get it refitted. Ah well at least NOW I'll get some studying done. There's absolutely nothing to do in Penang lah grr. Besides see my Grandma.

My holidays end today. Sigh.
Andandand - I have unfinished business.

What do you do when every step you take, there's this evil half of you that's sitting on the moral perch and going "tsktsktsk" condescendingly at you? I say you slap that self-assured bitch to the deepest level of hell and see if he can still "tsktsk" after he's been there. Ah but seriously I do what I feel good doing don't annoy me you Stupid Judgemental Voice. I'm not going to give in to you, or lie to you, or find other silly ways of tip-toeing around this moral core. I don't want to have this tussle with you again! This time I'm just simply going to sit here and laugh at how silly it is for you to judge me, because from now I'm simply ignoring what you say. Besides you know the primal instinct always wins so THERE.

Tim 1 - 0 Irritating Conscience.

This has been mildly bizzare. Again.

It's strange how one can be so jaded at the prime of one's life. It's just wrong you know, not to have any dreams any direction any passion in youth. The only leaps of joy are those in dark clubs fueled synthetic bass and engineered lights. The only tears cried are - No wait. I don't even cry anymore.

What has happened? Why is everything so been-there-done-that these days?

I have finally woken up! That is, not counting the zombified-state I was in during lunch. So if we take that one hour or so of being an animated corpse, I've slept for a grand total of 14 hours!

Ah. The latest accomplishment in my life.

Ah yes I remember what I wanted to blog about.

Other than that I want my frost essay back. Will the person who has it (Keith Wong said it was Kathleen last I saw him), kindly return it to me so that I can see whether what I'm doing for frost is right or am I going on another journey from B to E?

But of course. Back to the topic at hand: Lianne's blog - Which is very funny and tragic. Poor lianne. And you thought it all ended with the tagboard saga. That being said, SHE has many many guts but clearly is not very smart to piss so many people off. Online support and co-flamers count for nothing once school reopens. It won't be pretty on June 26th. Not pretty at all.

Am mildly happy now. And also anticipate someone's head to grow very big soon. Very Very Big. Again.

Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
trash it, change it, melt - upgrade it,
charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it,
snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
write it, get it, paste it, save it,
load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
lock it, fill it, curl it, find it,
view it, curl it, jam - unlock it,
surf it, scroll it, pose it, click it,
cross it, crack it, twitch - update it,
name it, read it, tune it, print it,
scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
touch it, bring it, babe, watch it,
turn and leave, its time format it.

Technologic.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Discipline Tim. Discipline and Self Control. It's only a bit more time.

Sigh this is hard. Who would have thought burying one's nose in books would be so difficult.

Dweededledub.

Aha I'm at Changwen's place now studying VERY PRODUCTIVELY if I may add. Yawn. Actually I've only got abit of math done for the most part I've been playing around with his Hifi System which really is quite gorgeous but hey. I've always had problems with concentrating anyway. Hence this blog entry.

So these days have been passing by like nobody's business 1/4 of the holidays are gone and I haven't even studied much besides econs. Quite disastrous. But well. I"m quite sure I'll pull through somehow lah I always do.

Unlike past tests I shall refrain from posting up my goals! Hah this way people like tanyixun and company (company being mostly one person anyway these days) can't guffaw when I fall short of my own expectations. Which isn't to say that I'll fall short of course. Don't be ridiculous. I've never fallen short of my expectations I keep them sufficiently low.

That being said. I shall do links soon. Soon being quite a long time considering my procrastinating nature.

Changwen is gushing over his dog now. He's telling it it has a cute black whisker.

This is most annoying.

I am hungry and there is no food in the house. I have been petulantly grumbling about the lack of anything consumable in this godforsaken house and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has been done by my mother! Hmm. I sound like a spoilt brat.

This is completely unacceptable. I propose that all houses be linked to an underground tunnel system that links residential areas to grocery stores and restaurants and roadside cafes and the like. That way all we have to do is order food and it'll come tumbling down the chutes into your home in no time. See. Wonderful Idea. That way we can eradicate all Grumpy-Hungry-Tims from the face of this earth and turn them into Happy-Satiated-Tims.

And we all know how destructive Grumpy-Hungry-Tims can be, so getting rid of them would be extremely beneficial indeed. Especially to me.

(edit) Ooh cheese. This changes things.

I am extremely dissatisfied now, perhaps more than I ever have been in my life.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a wee bit insane.
But it's okay. I'm not crazy.

I think I have said this before but I annoy myself incessantly. Reading past entries is torturous. But well. I seemed happier at that time, seeing how the only concerns I had was gossip and my hair. Not that these aren't concerns anymore, it's just that I've had much more piled up on top of them.

I should be studying now but really. I have no mood. Maths is daunting, there's too much. I've almost finished Econs and will read Lit soon, but Maths and History. I just can't get started. I need to be inspired to study these things. It's like embarking on a whole new area of study.

I have actually printed hadri's star spangled banner but seeing how his auditions are tomorrow I'm suspecting that my efforts have been in vain. As are most things. But I just thought hadri might like to know.

I am in a sour disposition. Sour is the word. There's this permanent grimace on my face that I can't wipe off I am exceedingly grumpy right now. I think I shall pout. I'm very tired. Goodnight.

Debts. You know. I take care to pay people back even though I'm so bad with money.

Debt to CW/to Keith --> $10 + taxi fare
Debt to WX --> $11
Debt to Liyana --> $7
Debt to Zul --> $20

Total Debt -->$38

I could live with that. It should be cleared by next week.

In other news. Xiaxue is inane and boring like pinkshoefetish. I swear the key to good readership is lots of pictures. You don't even need it to be slutty anymore, just lots of pictures. Or graphic descriptions of scenes like sarongpartygirl. Speaking of which, I haven't visited that place in a long time...

Tata.

(edit oh wowee. she's put up a really gorgeous picture!)

Alrightsy then this is all done.

I've put my tagboard back up for everyone. Plus I've changed the template to something a little more... reflective. Heh it is quite funny isn't it, the grumpy bitch trying to rally a bunch of minions.

And perhaps now it is time to sleep. And dream.