oh yay. Finally the whole ting's over. Yeah relax lah. i know not to hope for more though. but at least its better now.
Anyway i tink i'll write a poem soon. yah. soon soon. so if yixun ever reads it he can laugh at it.

hmmm
She's still someone's daughter. That's a really thought-provoking way of putting it. I never thought of it that way. That no one action is really limited to one person.
Clinton's such a gentleman.

I don't want to do my history essay. I'm finding 408707 excuses and things to do besides my history essay. Like blogging.
Funny. I'm numb. I suppose i crashed already yester yesterday. Now i'm just fizzled. Dead men don't feel. I thought i'd feel sadder after not getting a reply, but somehow i sortof expected it i guess. I know better than to hope for anything reasonable now.
But you're not like that. Really i didn't think so. If you are its a misjudgement of character on my part, but i don't think it is. I suppose you're trying not to lead me on. But still there isn't a need to be this cold and dispassionate. This is below friends. Its nearly like acquaintance.
You don't need to do this. I know there's nothing there already. And its already hit me squarely in the face.

We still can be friends can't we?

can't we?

I don't know. I don't want to talk about it either.
I nearly cried. nearly. That scared me. I've never really nearly cried from anything other than pain, and today i nearly did. Its just that everything came flooding in suddenly. The thought of losing her. That I mean so little. That she's never going to recognize my flower from the others anyway. And that she didn't want to talk. It just hurt so much. Knowing the huge disparity between how much i meant to her and how much she meant to me.
And i knew. There really never was anything there. At all. It just came crashing down on me. Optimism wasn't enough to keep me afloat anymore, i couldn't just tell myself to try and see what happens. That maybe it'll all work out against the odds. That maybe it'd change. That maybe one day something good would happen.
I mean why. Its always like this when it comes to this kind of stuff. Hopeless. Pointless. Its even worse than before.
I'm still hoping she'll msg. Say smth nice. lift me out from this pit of depression. But even if she did, it wouldn't mean anything. A mere reflex action after reading. It wouldn't be anything else. It couldn't. There's nothing there.
nothing at all.
I probably brought it on myself i guess. I should have known. They warned me. All of you. I guess a part of me did just want to prove you all wrong at first. To show you all that it COULD happen. But then it became more than that.
Much more. Sometimes you can't explain these things. They just happen, something clicks in your mind, and suddenly someone means alot to you.
You don't like someone because of something. You do something because you like someone. I guess i'm not making sense here. And then again when did any of this make sense?
but like yixun said. Just because it wasn't possible doesn't mean you don't try. I guess i'm glad in a sense. that i did. I may have fallen flat on my face, but at least i tried. I know now. Its in trying, that you go through more. Its alot easier to just giveup and moveon before stuff develops. Before you're hopelessly entangled.
I'll just pickup the pieces now. I'll get better i know. I always do. And when I do I'll look back on this and maybe laugh. Laugh knowing that I tried and gave it a shot. Laugh knowing that i'd never felt more alive or happy while trying.
Laugh knowing that there are no regrets.

on a side note. its nice to noe i've got friends who care. ESPECIALLY the unlikely ones.

I'm irritated. Blogger ate my post again
*CHOMP*
Anyway, i'm sick. coughing up PORCUPINES man. bloody painful. i'm sick and wheezing. I hope i'm better tmrw.
And i hope all goes well tmrw. umm. yah hope all goes well for the dancers.
and all goes well for me.
and yixun's fuglywugly! teehee.
fuglywugly

hmm. whywhywhy.
Anyway, i went for interview today. I don't think i did well. just average. They probably tried to challenge me with a tough question and i flopped flat on my face. so tata. And i was a little distracted.
whywhywhy. You didn't do it on purpose i hope. But of all the times?
So i went back wif hadri and yonghui. i went for econs lecture. and i went out.
I didn't deserve that. Why? Don't you know? Isn't that a little too much?
Anyway. whatever.
i'm not good for blogging now. i need to GET A LIFE.
hmmm?

~fly you to the moon and back~

Dumdeedumz. I talked to mel koh today. and found out alot. well screw enrique! hmmpf.
Anywayz, my day was lousyousy today. I'm just in a bad mood these days so ignore me if i'm snappy or bitchy.
well side note, miss yeo saw me scribbling "SIAN 1/2" on her worksheet today. haha oops. ANd i'm still screwed for not doing my essayses. Urgh. Writing essays suck. Big time. Especially history, where second intakers are utterly lost and cheng tju seems to forget that we exist. Mutterz.
and mel's contacts fell out on the escalator yester yesterday and got scrunched up. *SCRUNCH*
And yihong's $109 belt is too small for him. And everyone's saying its fugly. WELL, i thought the BUCKLE was nice. TOO BAD
And cheng tju is funny. haha ahbeng-funny funny. He offered me tissue when i came back late from break, cos my mouth damn oily, then when i tried to take it he snatched it away. hahaz.
and fan wrote some stuff on the lt table which is not good. fan should die. i hate lee wei fan.

There's so much i wanted to do for you. Yes you. You there, in the heavens amongst the stars. I could have whisked you away from the night, fly you to the moon and back, brought you to white sands where the world is ours. Where candles burn in the night, spelling out our names, and are never blown out by the harsh winds of time. Where roses bloom all year round, and the night belongs to us. No one but us.
But its not possible.
And so i'll be content with making you feel loved. Without obligation, unreciprocated. Because you pay me back when you smile. Because your happiness is what counts. At least you'd fall in love with my love for you.

OH well. manymany tings happened since i last blogged.
umm. i went to watch passion of christ wif benjaman. its sad. but its powerful. I don't know, but the part where he told mary to look as he started everything anew really struck me. I din cry. HAH. well maybe that's not a good thing, it could mean my heart's been hardened. But really the movie's good. its powerful and evocative, even if you're not a christian. The way jesus could forgive after all that he went through was truly majestic. The show's a powerful reminder of the fact that he sacrificed himself for our lives. I suppose that's gore being used in a good way. You won't feel the strong sense of pain and horror just by reading the bible, and as such be unable to understand how much he went through for us.
And i think those who become anti-semitic after the show don't really get it. Part of the show's supposed to show the extent and horror of human cruelty. Killing the next jew you see makes you as bad as them.

And anyway, i think emotions stem from questions. you feel something because you ask a question, and this unsaid question is what really evokes emotions. or maybe the unsaid question are a result of the emotions. I don't know. Well there's definitely an unsaid question with every emotion. except maybe happy emotions.

*crash*

No more. I'm declaring war on veluri. She has it coming man.
There's so many people i want to get to know. And so many barriers that prevent me from doing so. Either cos i don't have any middleman between me and that person to intro us, or i'm terrified of that person even though he's realli quite nice. Hahaz.
Urgh no point.
I'll go plan my battle strategy against veluri.
Actually its quite pointless. Because... veluri isn't worth my time. She should just stick with her indian choreographing and leave teaching to people who can actually teach.

oh oh forgot. haha today me chee and changwen minsheng chunyat and dunnoe who else went past GNC, den chee said 'ey! tts the one wif the testosterone booster'. yah that stupid thingie that chee wanted to buy for me. So they went in and went to ask about it lah... and i was so fucking paiseh. hahaz. so i hung around outside the shop... den they took quite long so i went back in. Then they were asking the salesperson abt the thingie, den cw asked if there were any side effects. "potentially, yes." Haha i'll never forget that. "potentially, yes." Anyway, the thingie can cause pre-mature balding, and most horrifyingly, TESTICULAR SHRINKAGE. HOLY SHIT! hahaz and to think chee was considering just buying it for me so that i would try it. haha we all burst out laughing when he said testicular shrinkage, and the guy was quite serious abt it all so i think he wasn't joking either. hahaz damn scaree. And to think the only thing i was concerned about was the getting hard every half an hour side effect that keith lim told me. hahahaz.
(not that i was planning to get it of course. haha sheesh. but if chee bought it for me i wouldn't mind =) Now not anymore though)

~Can you stop that time for me and my lover, make this summer forever~

EEKZ!
haha nvrmind. RT square. hahaz. Anyway i'm way over it. =P
I'm listening to "Stop that time". Its a lousy dance song according to you all. But i'm happy.
i'm happy today. hahaz. no reason dears. just happy. elated. i'm high~
Anyway, i went down to bibibaba to buy my uniform today. and the stupid auntie decided to shoo me away cos she was closing. And they didn't have the shirt. What the heck?! why on earth do yu sell PANTS and not SHIRTS? maybe if yu sold both people'd actually BUY from yu?
But anyway, even that didn't dampen me. I'm happy with life now. I'm easily sated, i suppose.
Its nice. This feeling again. I haven't felt it in two years, but its really nice. Only a fool would give up this for pride. And i suppose its worth the plunge that comes later. I'll enjoy the ride for now, even if its just momentary.
Its not the end. Its the journey.
I might not have it. But i'm happy with what i can get.

=)

I've been debating with yixun. Silly me. What was i thinking?
Anyway, yixun fervently insists that i'm like Willy in Death of a Salesman. I don't deny the resemblance of me and Willy. Its quite uncanny the way we think. But i still think that perhaps i'm not as pathetic as Willy's portrayed to be. I'm just not. Could be stubborn self-denial, but really i don't think i am. Perhaps reccently only. Because in all honesty, Willy is way more self-delusional than me. I don't think he sees the truth, that people don't quite like him. I don't think he sees that people pity him, and that they don't accept him. I think i can. I know who i'm accepted by and who i'm not. And so while our goals may be similar (i insist that getting well liked ISN'T my only goal. Just give me a little time to think of others), the difference in the end is that Willy is torn, he comes to the realisation that in actuality noone quite likes him the way he believes. That no one will really be at his funeral. Whereas I. I don't delude myself. I know i can't possibly be accepted by everybody, and I choose not to change to try and be accepted.

Anyway, another random thought that went through my mind last night was that sometimes being sucessful and accomplished isn't all that great. This may sound sourgrapish but I guess its a remmanant idea leftover from the days when i was a pious christian. The meek shall inherit the earth. The bible says that, and frankly while i don't think they'll inherit the earth, they won't have to bear the burden of holding up the sky. Success and power gets to people's heads. It induces pride, complacency, and the feeling that one is superior over others. Few can resist truly. Success and power is used as a raft to keep egos afloat. They let it get to their heads, they spend more time boasting about their deeds then actually perfecting the skill. And lastly, with such success, they are the targets of envy and jealousy. The meek on the other hand are safe. They escape the snare of those two deadly sins. And also, as they are meek, they are humble. Having naught to flaunt, they get away with mistakes, and are perhaps more hardworking in knowing that they have a long way to go. If they are able to do so without inheriting an inferiority complex, then they will indeed inherit the earth in the future. Although that could become a vicious cycle, because then that person would become successful.

And lastly. Haha me chee and fan saw two old men trying to fight on the mrt the other day. I thought it was really silly and childish actually, and i just kindof turned away. Its stupid. Their so old already. You'd think age would have instilled some sense in them. Apparently one of the old men accidently elbowed the other, and the other made a huge fuss over it and called the other a "sonofabitch", upon which the other promptly replied "fuck you!". And the really ridiculous thing was that the former after that got angry because the other used "vulgarities", "the f-word". Its hilarious. That guy has issues man. What part of "son of a bitch" isn't vulgar? Oh wait. Might be the "bitch" part.
Anyway, these bunch of malay guys went to pull them away from each other, one of them was really nice. He told the "fuck you" old man to just let it go, to "buay hiao gin". Yes he used dialect. I was impressed, at the effort by the malay to communicate with the old man (you know, the old lao ahpek kind) in his own dialect. Its really clever too, because the old man seemed to calm down alot after that, probably because he too was abit taken aback. The "sonofabitch" old man on the other hand just irritated the hell out of everyone in the train, because he was whining like a little baby about how the other used vulgarities against him, and then procceded to make a fool of himself by using racial slurs. Pathetic really. Probably a manifestation of a mid-life crisis.
Anyway, out of the train, chee said that "mats were powerful". Haha i agree with him. (mat here isn't really trying to be derogatory, its just a identification tool). If it was chinese or anyone else we'd probably just sit there and watch until it got ugly before someone stepped in. The malays that handled the situation were really diplomatic, they really knew how to manage people. Although it was quite amusing that the malay later said he felt damn "qi gek" after the "sonofabitch" one left.
What a long post.

I'm feeling shitty now... *yawn*
I don't see why techno sux. Sure, its got a short shelf life (i.e. abt 2 times and yu'll be sick of it), but for the moment it does provide a quick fix of euphoria.
Oh well. yihong asked me, like 3205897603865 other people, to contemplate going to the gym. I tink abt it from time to time, but the problem is that... besides how hilarious it culd be, personally i've got a stigma against it.
Hilarious because of the obvious. me + pumping iron = comedy disaster. Okay not as if people are so free to go laugh at me, but i'd feel wierd myself. because i don't see myself doing sucha thing... hell, I'D find myself funny. Ahh. but i want to get abit bigger. not too big, but abit bigger'd be nice. My personal stigma's that i don't really have a good reason to go pump iron. I don't have a sports cca, hell i don't even have a cca. So what for? Nothing to motivate me, other than to get abit bigger, which i see as vain. I'm not a vainpot! hahaX.
Although isn't it time i did something for myself?

happi b'dae chee! haha i nvr really paid attn to b'daes in sec school. Isn't it nice that i do now in JC?
Maybe i should open this blog up. haha get yixun to link me!
Just a random thought. Silly thought at that. This place's too personal for such things.

Anyway today stinks. I am the most suay-ified of suay-ified todae. To kick things off, i woke up late, culdn't drag myself out of bed to face the 5:10 day. When i finally mustered enough courage to do so, it was 8:30. So i came to school ridiculously late, and went to see miss yeo to tell her i was arnd. Den cos i was so shaggified i stoned in the canteen for a while, went for history lecture, and den decided to stone in the canteen wif fan and chee instead of fucking arnd in chinese. Seeing that Maths lecture proceeded after chinese, i was imagining myself having a good 5 period break stoning arnd and tokking rubbish to the people who make me drag myself to school.
Unfortunately, due to a certain mishap, my chinese teacher realised i wasn't here, and by the strange forces of fate happened to bump into miss yeo as well! Thus, she procceded to go tell miss yeo abt how i nvr showed up, and since miss yeo knows i'm already in school, confirms that i'm indeed ponning and not absent from sch. So miss yeo, in fullfilment of her duties as a white-slip dispenser (read: CT), decided to totter down to the maths lecture that i was COINCIDENTALLY ponning at the same time! what culd be worse than that!
Anyway, so while i was happily chatting wif chee fan and blah blah god knows who, suddenly uni msgs me saying "ur dead miss yeo just came to look for yu". Today being 1st april, i tot it was a joke... so i said "haha oh shit. realli meh? haha april's fool ah?" then she was like "YOU IDIOT I'M NOT APRIL'S FOOLING YU!" haha den i knew i was screwed... cos right after i got tt msg miss yeo msged me saeing "TIM COME SEE MISS YEO IN THE STAFFROOM NOW." GG X SIR.
So i walked up the stairs at the concourse, preparing myself to look contrite and sorry and promise not to do such a thing ever again, and went up to get scolded. Miss yeo was quite nice abt it lah (only salvaging factor in this whole sordid affair), she din realli like put me down or nething, just said she was disappointed in me. haha and that always gets to me worse den a actual forceful scolding. So i got two white slips, one from chinese one from mats, and den tottered in to maths lecture wif mrs kong going "TIMOTHY WHERE WERE YOU ARHHHHHH?" when i walked in. hahaha. so paiseh.
And you'd think that was the end of it. How profoundly wrong you are.
Well after the maths lecture i come out and sit wif yixun and ec. and ec was being EXTREMELY irritating, i don't know whether it was his b'dae or not, but he spent the whole time pointing out the obvious. AS IF I WAS FUCKING BLIND? some things aren't meant to be, don't make it any harder then it already is for me to accept. So being in the horrid mood i was i just stormed off and went over to yihong's table, where yihong promptly procceded to discuss how he looks like chonglin. WHICH also irritated me to no bounds, so i just slammed my feet up to the third floor to sit down and cool off.
I'm not finished yet.
So after the horrid break, i tottered off to econs thinking the worst wuld be over, that i'd be happy in my class where the worst i'd probably get was david goh calling me "ahkwa" again. Honestly i don't mind it anymore, haha its sad but its become sort of a way to identify me in the class. And i don't think they mean it in malice either. But anyway, geoffry got his lenses cocked up, and he looked like he was damn pain. And i didn't know what to say cos i was scared that i'd sound like the "FUCKING FAGGOT" he described to fan. Anyway, miss yeo told me that vp somehow took note of my name when signing the 20498750283745092384 million whiteslips he has to sign every day, and wanted me to go see him. HOLY FUCK! Stephane is a bitch lah! That fucking bastard's a total asshole, i don't even want to imagine what he'd do to me in his office. Fucking asshole. He thinks the whole school owes him a living and so gives him the right to put down and be a total bastard.
Anyway, so i went down to the stupid general office to see the vice-principal-with-a-fucking-girl's-name, and guess what? HE'S having meeting! fucking retard. meeting to decide what? Discussing how to become a bastardier bastard? Shit him! Anyway, i went back to miss yeo's class and told her vp wasn't arnd, and after econs went to see vp again. and guess what? the fucking vp is out! with is fucking boyfriend i suppose. He and his lover were probably making out in the makeout corner on the 3rd floor of rjc, while his secretary conveniently tells me he's "OUT". So after another total waste of time, i went back for maths, where i spent the time laughing and david goh fight wif miss koh. david goh's fucking funny. hahaz.
So after tt, we went for pe, and then octega wasn't arnd, hence LOH took us. I ran an extra round for no reason other than utter stupidity and moronism.
Speaking of morons, Mrs Velori hates me. She tinks i'm a fucking moron. Well too bad for her. She can go rot in the staffroom with her boring lessons and undeserved tuesday-short-days. "I HAVE NO TOLERENCE FOR MORONS~~". Go screw yourself.
And so the day ended wif me going to macs to study wif max and bapok and jeanette and jiawen and mark chen and leslie and aiyah forgot liao. I tink jiawen's irritated wif me. haha i dunch noe whye. Maybe it was just a badmood day.
Oh bapok's another damn funny person. hahaha yu shld see the way he falls when jeanette trips him... its kodak moment sia. hahahaz.
Anyway i felt abit extra dere, cos yah i wasn't realli in their class, but nvrmind lah. i wanted to catchup wif max but yeahz. busy. Then slowly they left... and i ended up going home myself cos jeanette forewarned me that going home wif firas is a bad idea cos firas is in a bad mood.
I should finish my lit essay. Haha mark chen said my PC's good! YAY! someone complimented me on my lit for once. Comes out of hanging around yixun too much.
-phew- that was a long entry. well screw april fool day. i bet its cos its ec's b'dae tts why. EC must hafe had the time of his life showing that LOSAR sign. In fact he probably flashed it more times at me today then any other day. WELL THERE'S YOUR PRESENT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EC.
okay lah i don't mean that resentfully. Really, happy birthday ec, may yu hafe luck riding the horsey and not get trampled all over by its horsey hooves.
-yawnZ-