I don't know. I don't want to talk about it either.
I nearly cried. nearly. That scared me. I've never really nearly cried from anything other than pain, and today i nearly did. Its just that everything came flooding in suddenly. The thought of losing her. That I mean so little. That she's never going to recognize my flower from the others anyway. And that she didn't want to talk. It just hurt so much. Knowing the huge disparity between how much i meant to her and how much she meant to me.
And i knew. There really never was anything there. At all. It just came crashing down on me. Optimism wasn't enough to keep me afloat anymore, i couldn't just tell myself to try and see what happens. That maybe it'll all work out against the odds. That maybe it'd change. That maybe one day something good would happen.
I mean why. Its always like this when it comes to this kind of stuff. Hopeless. Pointless. Its even worse than before.
I'm still hoping she'll msg. Say smth nice. lift me out from this pit of depression. But even if she did, it wouldn't mean anything. A mere reflex action after reading. It wouldn't be anything else. It couldn't. There's nothing there.
nothing at all.
I probably brought it on myself i guess. I should have known. They warned me. All of you. I guess a part of me did just want to prove you all wrong at first. To show you all that it COULD happen. But then it became more than that.
Much more. Sometimes you can't explain these things. They just happen, something clicks in your mind, and suddenly someone means alot to you.
You don't like someone because of something. You do something because you like someone. I guess i'm not making sense here. And then again when did any of this make sense?
but like yixun said. Just because it wasn't possible doesn't mean you don't try. I guess i'm glad in a sense. that i did. I may have fallen flat on my face, but at least i tried. I know now. Its in trying, that you go through more. Its alot easier to just giveup and moveon before stuff develops. Before you're hopelessly entangled.
I'll just pickup the pieces now. I'll get better i know. I always do. And when I do I'll look back on this and maybe laugh. Laugh knowing that I tried and gave it a shot. Laugh knowing that i'd never felt more alive or happy while trying.
Laugh knowing that there are no regrets.

on a side note. its nice to noe i've got friends who care. ESPECIALLY the unlikely ones.