I'm going to try smth. Haha this won't make coherent sense.

I'm up again. not sleeping. wats wrong wif me? Bored to tears too. 5thplace. How could he? Wilful pleasure of rejection. Sensation of power. Game of emotions. Me too? They too? Us all? Deep dark desire, playful denial of one so dependant.
GODDAMNED IRRITATING. shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
Not liked. Hated. whY? effeminate to repulsion, tattling in disgust. lie covering lie, deceit to language
Guilt. Superficial guilt. Emotional drain. base and mindless, life turned to newspaper.
Concern. Debut depression. punch me. Girls. they fuck us all up.
Theatre actor, standup comedian, live entertainer. We remember the jokes, not the faces. Long gone, will you remember? Be at my grave, lay down flowers. remember. I pleased you, at least remember. drawn into society, forced apart, self-denied agreement, imminent emotional implosion. Traded your smiles for mine. Life so empty. Lost from thine. Filled with bleeding imperfect earth.

Hmm. that was interesting. haha oh shit