It is indeed regrettable. An abhorrent act actually.
But truthfully. It is enough that a person should reject another that she has been giving false signals to. That at least can be attributed to confusion. Or an insecure mind. Either of which may only be human.
But to deny it as though it were totally non-existent. To attempt at self-vindication AND to progress on to other unwitting prey. That is downright irresponsible, and smacks strongly of hypocrisy.
It is indeed regrettable.

Do forgive the holier-than-thou tone of this entry. Its one of my mechanisms to express displeasure though. the other is inarticulate bitching.

tonite's a pissed offf nite. i dun really care wtf abt my rships. but i hate to c ppl mistreating my frens. when you fucking jack my fren off for another guy. bloody hell not lyk she's damn chio or aniting. wth does he wan her for. tmd. now he's sad over the whole thing n arghhh. somemore keep denying it when i ask her. haha i dun care wth she does now at ALL. but why go play arnd wif my fren. wat a bitch. tim agreesss tooooo.
firstly go tok shit abt me to everybody. nvm its me, so i dun care. but YOU dun go hurt MY fren's feelings. you cockshit. i wasss blinddd but nvmmmm. stillll go tok shit to everybody. nb

tonite's a pissed offf nite. i dun really care wtf abt my rships. but i hate to c ppl mistreating my frens. when you fucking jack my fren off for another guy. bloody hell not lyk she's damn chio or aniting. wth does he wan her for. tmd. now he's sad over the whole thing n arghhh. somemore keep denying it when i ask her. haha i dun care wth she does now at ALL. but why go play arnd wif my fren. wat a bitch. tim agreesss tooooo.
firstly go tok shit abt me to everybody. nvm its me, so i dun care. but YOU dun go hurt MY fren's feelings. you cockshit. i wasss blinddd but nvmmmm. stillll go tok shit to everybody. nb

haha me n tim finally break even selling shirts...ttz if no one backs out tmr. not bad man. we had abt 4k of capital. we cleared everything. even though we didn't earn our projected profit of abt 2k, i suppose when we do clear everything it'll be arnd 1.5k la. which isn't too bad for wat we've been doing. after all i get many free stuff too. n learn lots of logistics shit. altho tim's a uselesss bummer hahahha. nah .
bio's a bitch. farking thick
Enzyme Helicase unwinds the DNA chain. Single Strand binding protein then stabilizes it, holding it apart for replication to take place. RNA Primase then works on the DNA template, synthesizing a RNA primer, which DNA polymerase III then lenghtens by adding free nucleotides to the chain in the 5 - 3 direction( of the new strand). DNA polymerase I then replaces the RNA in the RNA primer with DNA. Okazzaki fragments are formed and are joined together by DNA Ligase in the antiparallel strand.
haha powerful mugging today. thx thx

Aha it struck me that the last post looked like a poem.
*shrug*. Its just accidental.

Anyway really. All this unwonted attention is really your fault changwen. If you hadn't been advertising yourself on the back of every bus 100 going something about "small dick but very experienced call ********" I swear you wouldn't have had so many opportunities to divert gays towards me.

Grrsh. Studying not going well. As of today.
History - Zero. Zilch. Nil. This is a confirm C.
Econs - Why did Oli not go JC? Cos Oligopoly! Aha. Courtesy of Tiff/Clara.
Maths - Differentiation, Complex Numbers (A+B). Half Trigo (A)
Lit - Still not finished Silas Marner. Zero Othello.

Holy shit. And here I am hoping for a Lit S. SHIT.

yawn promos are coming. this sucks. haha thanks to chee, tim n a grp of other assholes, i've spent 4 hours a day for the past 2 weeks DOTAing. incase ppl duno wtf tt means, it means spending your precious time in front of a shitpile computer playing wc3. damn but its fun though. argh. haha actually i just realised that you can finish studying a whole year's work in a day. it just depends how focused you are.

timmy's a lucky man. he's the attention of the gay community in singapore. there's a buzz going arnd that he gives the best blows. wow wow. its no wonder why gays have been hailing from all ends of singapore just to meet up with him, and pray with great anticipation that he might agree to fufill their most perverse wishes. recently he has received an avg of 2 calls from gays a day. thats not bad, for a begineer gay. he claims he rejects their advances and doesn't meet up wif em, but i see the glint of desire and longing in his eyes when he talks abt his gay encounters. Oh well....since the gals tim likes cmi, i suppose its time for him to move on in life and go after....well...ppl who're more like him i suppose. good luck tim. may the best gay win.

today's soccer game was gayed....i got injured after 13 mins. f man. so i wanted to be keeper. but you cano't really be a keeper if you can't move. so i let 2 goals in. n eveyrone wanted to kill me. i'm soooo sorry ppl. sigh.and i DOTAED AGAIN WTF. haha i can't walk properly now dammit. my knee's gged.

life's so boring now. its full of crap. playing games, studying. argh. i need to start making my bombs n stuff. spice up my life, and maybe someone's bag can haf a nice hole in it aswell. oh oh i gotta start to be a bettterrr guy. time to go to church tmr. after all there's great scenery there. ok just one great scenery. makes the trip worthwhile.
its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved. i wonder how true this statement is man...

This has proven to be most damaging.
Its here once again. Self inflicted pain.
You always get in things that harm you.

This really shouldn't happen. Its all over again. What will I do with myself.

These gaping wounds, self-inflicted,
serve not as scarlet warnings
but fond, rosy reminders...
bittersweet memories of brushes with you.
And a crimson hope
that the next will be less painful

My life just runs in circles. There's no escaping fate.

I am very happy with meself.
I am seeing things about Silas Marner. Finally its abit like last year. Yay Yay happy happy.
Lucidity has struck me like an invisible wand. I plan to ride on it till promos.

Oh and me being a freemarket was really amusing. Sigh. Thats the kindof conversation i used to have last year. Incorporated subjects with fun. And in the process always learning. Sounds abit cliche, but yeah. I remember the stupid incidents and memories i used to remember stuff in exams.

I am a very fuzzy person. Heh. Recently i tried to recall someone's face. Failed miserably, needless to say, I could get the general impression, but once i tried to focus on the more exact positions and ratios, it all fell into static. The eyes kept shuffling and the mouth elongated and yeah. In the end it sort of fell into another person's general impression.

Whicn interestingly points out that I can really remember no one's face distinctly. If i try to construct them out of my mind it just comes out distorted.

It is no wonder.

words words words words. I'm losing touch. I can no longer convey what I want to say. Or employ words with economy. I only stumble around, groping in the darkness, never hitting the mark. Poignant is not a word i would use to describe my current state of writing.

Oh and Kevin's poems are nice. now that is using words to truly convey what you want to say. so many undercurrents below the surface metaphor. haha much better than reading that verbose BC's stifled attempts to appear intelligent by using bombastic words for the SAKE of using bombastic words. hahaha.

I am highly distressed.
And it is not because of promos.
Laichangwen, hadri and matin will be the death of me one day.

Now. On to better and less gruesome issues.
I want to buy SENS' album. Yes its classical. Yes its japo-shit as well. But I still like it. Its nice, simplistic yet powerful. I like things like tt.
Unfortunately my previous resolution has somewhat failed. Miserably I might add. Since the last post, I have chalked up a debt of approximately 15 dollars. I might attribute this to the unexpected cost of the Woman Warrior which robbed me cruelly of 16 dollars. However I will not make excuses for my inability to manage my finances. Yixun says, i spend 120% of my income. Even if my parents gave me 100 dollars a week i'd spend 120. Thankfully its only 50 now. hahaha.

SO therefore album will have to wait for very long. Unless i can conjure two ten dollar notes out of thin air. Which I believe would be a very handy skill given my current situation.

I am starting to type like BC. hmm.

I cannot.
Well its true. I lose. I always lose. The way I play, its no surprise I lose after all. This game, I'm just a pawn in a world of kings.
I don't understand how my world-view evolved. Its utterly stupid yet I can't change it. This kind of thinking is the naive thinking you see in childhood stories or Enid Blyton. But really, what influence could possibly have led me to uphold this world view even when everything around me screams otherwise?
Weakness. Its no surprise that I used to dream of just flying off somewhere and just farm. Yes farm. I remember telling my parents that, they told me if you farm you'll never get a tv or a computer or a playstation etc. etc. Things that meant alot when I was 12. I said that if I didn't know it I wouldn't want it. Hah. How village-esque.
I don't know. Have I become so inculcated with these values that i'm trapped in the very weakness they laud? The meek shall inherit the earth indeed. heh.
Clever isn't it. They start on you from young. How roundabout the bible can be sometimes, to trap people in their way of thinking. Subtle mind control at its best. Well at least it points in the general direction of good.

Don't you see. I was never meant to play this game.

okay the million and one color crazy posts have disappeared
And i've changed the music to the relief of many i think.
And spots are sprouting on my forehead. I think i hang out too much with chee.

From today. No more bimbotic colourful posts. But more importantly,

From today: I am NOT going to owe anyone munny. I pay my debts all back by this week.

Hmmm.
Lets see.
Moved on for Silas munner. by. umm. hmm. 1 chapter
Moved much more for econs i believe. At least i hope. Lets see. Umm. Hmmm. Somewhere around Time Factor for Elasticity now. Thats... 4 chapters. Yay!
History still stands at 0.
Must put in red letters to remind self.
Maths still stands at 3/4 complex number tutorial. I lied the last time round. hahaha.

I am rediscovering colours today. Whee
How fun.

Does this mask in with my background?

How silly of me.
To maintain solidarity. To believe i wouldn't change. To think that i'd weather it all.
No more futile than the desperate fluttering of leaves that fall inevitably to the ground.
I cannot conquer the ephemerality of this world.

Anyway. I'm deciding that perhaps my father isn't as blockheadedly stupid as i thought. Although it really is quite silly to think that, him being a lecturer and all. But anyway yeah. He saw me reading Silas Marner and suddenly he passed me 3 books, Dubliners by James Joyce, Selected Poems by TS Eliot and Collected Poems and Plays of Rabindranath Tagore. I was like "oh my goodness you've read all this". haha. To think a mathsy person like him would read this kind of thing.

So anyway I tried to read them. Keyword here being tried. Its really really really beyond me. Haha. But anyway, flipping through them really revamped my view of him. Its interesting. It would appear that at one point in time he really was quite interested in lit. Hmm. And maybe perhaps we weren't as different as we thought.

Or perhaps its all just a cycle. Maybe as I toddle through my life, I walk in my father's footsteps, drawing parallels I never even knew existed. A circle so immense we only see the tangents.

Lets see. Things I have purchased over the past few days:

1. One (1) Economics by John Sloman. Currently still in plastic wrap and looking pretty.
2. One (1) Da-Vin-Ci Code by Dan Brown. Bought on Monday, finished by Tuesday.
3. One (1) Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. What kind of surname is Albom anyway. HI MR. ALBOM. Hmm nevermind.

Anyway if you know reading the da-vinci code always inspires people to start blogging about how reading it is very faith-testing and etc. etc. Therefore. I am happy to say that as a rather infrequent church goer, it has done little to impact my faith. Shaky and somewhat non-existent as it is already. Ah well. But even if I were to revert back to about two years ago, it wouldn't have done much. I mean, I'd agree with what the book says, those that really understand their faith believe in the meaning more than the metaphors. I mean really. I never managed to swallow the eucharist bit down my throat. And the other idiosyncratic rituals of the church. But i've really found some of the principles quite appropriate. They're quite good principles to live by. I mean, yeah. Some of them have got me this far. Perhaps doctrine isn't always a bad thing sometimes. If you can pick out the stuff that was originally based on the intent, and the stuff that's just put there to make it look like doctrine. Or perhaps this is just the result of me reading Silas Marner closely the past few days.

Oh yes. Update on my studies: (This is really just more for me to keep track than to upset those of you feeling idyllic and lazy)

1. Re-read Silas Marner up to Chapter 3. Annotating like mad-dick. Will link everything to formation of belief from now on, no matter how remote it may sound.
2. One (1) Complex Numbers Tutorial 10b
3. One (1) Chapter of Economics by John Sloman (Namely Introduction to Economics)
4. Umm. ey shit lah i'm sure i did more than just that.

Oh well.

Baby you're gonna drive me crazy
Falling in love is easy
Stay by my side.

oh OH! speaking of which. i googled vyna's name. and this came out. hoohoohoo hilarious.
http://ideology.freeservers.com/nazi/vyna.htm

i woke up at 12:30 again. haha the bio clock is goned lah. goned. GG-ified.

Aiyah tired. Aha i forgot to do the test on econs remedial day. shit lah. nevermind if i drop by school tmrw i'll do it.
Anyway today marks the start of the mug like fuck week. Haha that changwen and yixun were talking abt going overseas then when they came to me they were like... er... see his promo results. Which is quite fair lah. SO MUST MUG LIKE FUCK.
Anyway today i finished a grand total of. hmm...

1. ONE complex numbers notes
2. Umm.

Oh shit this won't do. Perhaps i should read a chapter of Tarling.

And changwen i thought you were studying in changi. Isn't hwachong like opposite end of the island?

Today is clearly a day of new stuff. Hwa Chong is a damn fun place! i went there wif jem lee n i met chris ho there. then tt crazy asshole took a fire extinguisher n sprayed it. it was how blardey fun n i joined in wif him den i pressed tooo hard i tink....n the damn thing couldn't stop spewing powdery shit. so in the end i left it in the stairwell n ran away. hahahahha the powder was drifting out of the windows lyk the stairs were on fire!
Clearly that isn't enuff fun. so we took another extinguisher n ran out of hwachong. we then went to first avenue there n sprayed everywhere. we wanted to spray 2 fat fierce ugly black dogs, but decided agianst it as the owners were in. we sprayed the drain all white wif powder hahaha.den we finally left it on n put it into a dustbin. GG to the person who opens it.

oh well today esther left for UK. i can c why she's sad cos she's leaving all her frens behind n everything. but seriously speaking, its only for 3 mths. Frenships last much longer than that, n she's still connected to the real world by so many means of communication. Fones? internet? She'll be coming back so all of you dun be sad! n you too Esther! haha today has made me super determined. i'm gona mug damn blardey hard to go overseas for studies. coz my parents cant afford to send me! when i'm leaving i'll be sooo happy to try out a new way of life n maek new frens. sad yes...possibly. but it'll soon go away.

If I was god. Sitting up there watching the world. With the knowledge of eternity, and all his omnipresence
Damn I'd find the world funny. Funny yet pitiful.
Its all so ironic sometimes. So futile. So stupid. All our struggles just bleed into wash with time.

HADRI. Its not my fault i listen to a wide range of music. haha. including "japo shit". I mean, just cause TR^2 likes it doesn't mean its not niceee~

Anyway esther's party was okay. haha. didn't know everyone there so just hung out with changwen yixun marcjo and kevin lee and graeme they all. hahaz. quite extraa.
haha. we were playing with the helium balloons also. besides the BEE incident. OH and that becky lost her fone.

shit tmrw have to pack for rp. or today. oh whatever.

ARGH....i'm so stupid.when i got stung by a stinking bee in esther's house. they told me to go catch it n i tot it was a flying ant. how the hell i know its a real stupid stinking blackyelow bee. so i juz grabbed it wif my hand n tt fagging thing stang me lyk crap. the stupid sting was left in my thumb n it hurt lyk hell. now its swollen n it feels lyk a sprained my thumb real bad. haha aniwae i hope esther enjoyed her self in the party n everyone too.
haha good thing i can use tim's blog. he's gay. i'm blogging for fun. coz i'm sleepy n tired n nothing to do. yawn.
N mel koh clearly has too mcuh time to go to town n watch movie wif tim n den go home. haha i bet those 2 haf smth going on. not surprising. mel koh looks lesbian. no wonder she'll fall for timmy.

I wish Leonard Lim were teaching me again. Hah. When we all scored 23/25 and were content sitting on our bums and thinking lit was freefrag.

Now I'm sitting here. Wondering how on earth all this alliteration and rhyming aids with the poem. Whatever happened to simpler metaphors and imagery that I could easily link to the message? Lit's almost like a phonetics class now that wilfully eludes me.

Now I just feel so woefully inadequate. Sometimes I wish I understood more.



On a side note: Perhaps a facade really is quite a good judgement of one's character. Its very presence indicates something, what more the nature of the facade could very well reflect the opposite traits of a person. Hmm. What a self-defeating purpose.

Perhaps i ought to correct my sleeping cycles.
Like not sleeping at 7 and waking up at 12. And now procceeding to type out two essays.
Oh well. I'm bizzare.

Haha but really. Monday chuin and mel handed me another things-to-change-about-tim list. Haha its quite funnie. But it got me thinking if I really should change. I mean I wouldn't disagree with most of what they say, hell my hair definitely needs a haircut and yeah the way i behave really could change. Could. But should it?

I'm always quite against any sort of major change. Because while the present situation may not be perfect, its alot more certain than anything i can see beyond a change. Applies to everything as well in fact. I mean everything's so fragile, being delicately balanced on other things. And sometimes we don't even see the connections between them. A change in one can and often results in the most chaotic upsets in the current situation. Could be for the better. But sometimes you can't predict the most remote of changes. And those changes could ironically sometimes affect those closest to your heart.

Funny isn't it. For someone who likes trying new stuff.

Bah. I puzzle myself sometimes. Guess I'm really quite bizzare.

But really. I wouldn't have myself any other way.

How does one tell what is true in a world where everything is kept under wraps. What do you really know, and how much of what you know is simply what others want you to know? I don't know. I'm just feeling a little hollow and tired. Wondering whats the point, since I don't really know where i'm stumbling to and what i'm achieving. All these viewpoints, all these perceptions, all these stands. How do you strike out on your own when you must concede to the infallible logic of others? And when impeccable logic collides, where will you be? Perhaps it is wiser to be stubborn and stick to one, blocking out all others regardless of whether you can identify with them or not. But if you can identify with it, you can never truly block it out can you?
So where do I stand? Individuals all think in different ways, I stand in different places, but the question is, where do I think I stand? And who am I to say, under the crushing pressure of everyone's hidden judgement. Overjudge yourself, and their concealed perception will think you arrogant. Underjudge yourself, and they gather that you are fishing for compliments. Both ways are fallacious. The real challenge is to know where you stand, not to sway to either extremes. But how does one pinpoint where. Is there even a precise point as to where? The line is blurred by the drawing of many.
I guess what they say is true. Its so hard to judge yourself. Or perhaps this is yet another case of being so open minded my brains have fallen out.

Haha. Just came back from PPP.
was. hmm. okay i suppose. but well. we all packed by 11.
Can't break the legacy sometimes.

heh thank god smriti gave me that last bowl man. otherwise damn stoned.
haha. had to sleep at mark's place cos. yeah. couldn't quite go home in this state.
Still am rather impaired. See length of sentences.

You know how phones sort out which words you use most often, and then let them be displayed first when there are a number of possible words for that number combination?

Well. Its a little sad and amusing.

When i press 766 while i'm messaging.
and the word that comes out isn't SON


but PON.

And now, to prove lijun's theory.

Let P be the statement:
Girl Yixun Fancies = Baby-face.

Prove P1 is true
LHS: Girl Yixun fancies = Mel Koh
RHS: Baby-face = Mel Koh

LHS = RHS, P1 is true.

Assume Pk is true, i.e. #k Girl Yixun Fancies = Baby-face
Want to prove tt Pk+1 is true, i.e.: #k+1 Girl Yixun fancies = baby-face

Sub 14 year old chiobu into Pk (refer to yixun's blog for proof)

Pk+1 = #k+1 Girl yixun fancies
= 14 year old girl yixun fancies + 1
= 15 year old girl yixun fancies
= Girl he thought was quite cute and interviewed him
= Baby-face (LHS = RHS, Pk+1 is true)

Thus by mathematical induction, girl yixun likes = baby-face.

By algebric manipulation, bringing "girl" and "likes" over, we get:
yixun = likes baby face girl

Recalling the definition:
likes baby girl = paedophile

Sub definition into (yixun = likes baby face girl)
yixun = paedohile face.

Ah well. Lysistrata's over.

Anyway, hope the audience liked it. Haha especially friday. Stupid skirt. But i think we put up a better performance on saturday, although it wouldn't have seemed that way at the start. But whatever.

Its kind of sad. That its over. I'm not very coherent today thus the short sentences. To think that all this started when smriti told me to audition saying "tim you're funny you can be yourself!". But anyway, really i'm happy that i've gotten a chance to act in the play, not just for the experience of acting, but for the people i've gotten to know. People like mike and ranon, like claudia and vaish. And the directors, kelly and vid and shirin. And of course those i already know like zhong, and hadri and smriti especially. haha thank god for hadri and smriti. they make dreary rehearsals so much more tolerable. But really, this is something i've never done before, and its really been a most enriching experience. yes i know that sounds awfully cliche, but like i said i'm not very coherent now.

Aha i liked the notes the directors gave us on saturday. maybe should give them smth back.

HMm. been busy with lysistrata lately. haven't had time to blog. let me recall briefly events.

Had my legs forcefully waxed. By changwen and yixun and matin. Horrible people i tell you, they pin my leg down in the canteen and proceed to just slap on wax strips like nobody's business liddat. So yes, if you notice i have one shiny leg when i'm wearing that pseudo-sarong-skirt-like thing for lysistrata, yah you'll know why.

Also, am about to get suspended probably. I don'tknow, i'm quite scared. 9 white slips, by the pupil handbook, is a suspension. Haha that ms koh finds it damn funny though. I told her i got 9 and she asks me if i've had "tea with the VP yet" and bursts out laughing. But anyway. I don't know if the school really is inhumane enough to suspend me for being LATE (which is where majority of my white slips come from, the bitch vyna doesn't appreciate my efforts to avoid the system and come after 8+ so as to elude the malay teacher taking down names of those who are late), but i really hope not. The system isn't perfect, its clear when someone gets suspended for being late that adhering religiously to it is simply not the way to go. Yeo recognized that if i'm not wrong.

Which reminds me that we must get yeochinghunn back. This vyna-mina-shit of a CT doesn't care about our class. What happens to our class is probably the last of her priorities, and as ajay eloquently puts it, she doesn't care what happens outside the 40 minute tutorial. In fact, even WITHIN the 40 minute tutorial she doesn't care, which is clearly seen in the way she always loses patience and throws tantrums when we fail to understand her somewhat incomprehensible and poorly delivered tutorial. The class is nothing more than a tool for her to manipulate and abuse so that the school will think she's doing a wonderful job as a white slip dispenser and is instilled with discipline and responsibility. Its really quite disgusting. That she would be so happy to send me to the VP, and so happy to sign more white slips when I come for her tutorial even though i could have skipped it, since i as marked absent. Its preposterous. Well, I wonder how her brain works anyway, having a student in her CT group suspended really isn't a good way to start off her term.

Veluri also showed us the university admission forms. Aha I think she's really good now. She teaches well, she clearly bothers enough to educate us on what teachers look out for in their recomendations, and she's quite funny and animated. Its silly of me to make a big hoo-haa over the moron thing. Its just her way after all, its part of her whole animated and comical character.

Anyway, the university admission forms basically say that you have to be perfect. Not only must you be enthusiastic and hardworking, you must also get along with your friends well, and be popular, and basically impossibly perfect. Heh and i don't think we can trust this vyna-thing to write these admissions. She'll probably think that she's showing such integrity and responsibility by under-grading all of us. Haha tiff was saying that we'll probably all get our "no-basis" boxes ticked anyway. Especially me since i don't come to class. hahaha.

My leg is damn sore and raw now.
Whatever hair i had on it has been reduced by half.

hahahaha.
Hadri i'll kill you.

Hahahaha
Today mark was sleeping on the couch at kitson's house. haha. then we took a marker and drew all over his face! hahahaha. kitson took a million and one photos, i'll post them up later when he gets them.

Anyway changed the music. Again. Jet's over-played.

Hello.
I am tired. Its 11:47PM and i'm typing out PW. I also have one compre (inclusive of APQ), one APQ on top of that, a little conclusion to add for my silas marner essay.

And thats just the homework i PLAN to do.

Which is probably why i'm blogging. Since i'm so freaking flustered (yay alliteration). Speaking of artsy-fartsy shit, come watch the RP production Lysistrata on next next friday! (that is not this friday, the friday next week). Its a play about women who decide to deprive their husbands of sex so as to coerce them into making peace so that they can finally satisfy their urges. Unfortunately, the women also encounter some difficulties, namely sex-starvation *gasp*! Who will last in this game of abstinence? FIND OUT on friday. Buy tickets from anyone in rp. Price currently undetermined but will probably be 6 dollars

My blog's turning more and more into commercial grounds.
Hmmpf. I should be paid for advertising here.

I'm sick again. Damned hammers in my head.
Had rehearsal today. Jireh is good lah. hah. you really see everything start to piece together and materialize when he's around. Hope he gets to our scene soon. Although acting in front of him must be unnerving. Really unnerving.
Anyway, i watched the village! which really isn't scary at all. in fact its quite nice at the end. when you figure out the little symbolisms and interesting cinematography. Like how the fear of red, being the colour of blood and guilt, signifies the elders' desire to retain innocence. Or at least thats what i think. good food for thought. Although my head was already pounding. Really didn't need all of that to worsen it.

Please let me help.
Its all i can do.

Haha. i heard this over the radio. and i nearly fell over laughing. might take a few minutes to load first though.
enjoy.

Ah shit the bazaar's finally over. haha this isn't good. we stand at a deficit of 1.5k. Which is quite a fuckload.
Anyway, i went back to ri. To watch dramafeste of course. haha mainly to watch hadri act lah. As Madam Kamariah. Haha it was damn funnie. Thank goodness i went. Otherwise i'd be wallowing in sorrow all day about the stinking money i am going to lose by september.
Oh yeah. gratz hadri. you were wonderful. stealing the limelight and all. and gratz hullett. and ajay's brother who is such an endearing little child.
I'm not going to go on a nostalgic rant about ri. Because really. Its all over. Times change, people change, now so must everything change.
But can't i keep a little at least?

Anonymous: What would you know about the little world I lived in? It's a pity that you're so superficial that you would proudly make such a remark. If to grow up is to be superficial i'd really rather not.
Keep your realistic world

Dear please leave your name too next time. Live up to your supposed maturity and 'consciousness' of reality, don't cower in cyberspace.

Hah. talking with hadri and smritti always leads to deep intellectual social-lamenting discussions.  Although the words "hadri" and "intellectual" are in fact polar opposites.  However talking was good.  There is a problem.  We have to identify it.

It cannot be all dandy and happy.  There cannot be no problem.  If there was no problem we wouldn't be missing ri, missing our old classes, and basically not wanting to come to school. There is a problem.  A problem that impedes you from coming to school, a problem that entices you to skip class, a problem that demands non-commitment and superficiality.

A problem that has changed people.  For worse mostly.

I was never able to identify with the high school culture before.  Never.  I thought the whole idea of this cliques, outcasting, and the general meaness associated with it was an wholly American thing.  And i thought that was why the Americans were all so stupid, they were busying politiking around in high school that they never had time to actually use their brains in class.  After all, a class used to mean that everyone in it was your friend.  That everyone in it was accepted generally, and while some were closer to others, it was generally possible and easy to hold conversation and tell jokes with ease.

A class meant the people you ate lunch and watched movies with.

It never mattered if you were fat. Or stupid. Or lame. Or looked funny. Your class accepted you. Period.  Granted, there were the occasional arguments, the fights, the bitching, but generally speaking, all that could arise only with the underlying consciousness of the friendship, and that it would all blow over.  Because in the end, it was your class.  All that fighting and arguing and bitching was precisely because it was your class.

What is it now?

The great divide isn't a good thing.   There is no one class. There are two factions.  Which really shouldn't be the case.

Yet I am as guilty of it as you are.

We all have our idiosyncrasies after all.  Some may be more tolerable than others, some less.  I'd like to think though that most of us carry good intentions within our heart.  And I've always hoped that that was truly enough.  Enough for you to be accepted.

But the problem doesn't see it that way.

The problem, the culture. It encourages immediate judging by appearances.  Which is really quite lamentable.  I mean ostracizing, as a form of punishment, or at least a way to express a certain unhappiness or dislike for a behaviour that is distinctly wrong is somewhat acceptable i feel.  I cannot fault tsus for that.  But ostracization as a form of division, a way to delineate the social orders and class is despicable.

I don't know.  When were there that many outcasts in RI? In fact, you could count them with your two hands.  Perhaps one.  How is it that in RJ, supposedly a continuation of RI, there is a massive boom in the number of them?
It is such that there is always an underlying fear of commiting social suicide.

We really should do something.  I don't know. Something.  It doesn't have to be drastic and transform the class into utopia.  But it should at least turn it into a civil, polite and cordial society that we all once knew classes to be.  I'm not saying this as an observation of one event. It is widespread within the problem.  The culture.

I am as guilty as you.  Perhaps it is time we made amends.

and You. we don't need you. really. You are the source of all animosity and malice that expresses itself on your very face. 

We'd be hard pressed to find another chinese teacher as patient and understanding as her.
I feel a bit guilty.  Since i'm really the main culprit, always skipping her classes and not doing her work.  Its quite hypocritical in a sense, since i really find her to be one of the best chinese teachers i've ever had.
Perhaps a bit was an understatement.

And vyna has brought the word irritating to new heights once again.  Today she tried to bitch to mel about me.  And asked her whats wrong with me cos i was sleeping in class.  Ah whatever.  I really hope chinghunn comes back and takes us for next year.  Because i don't know what shit testimonial she's going to write for me.

Speaking of which i haven't gotten my o level certs yet. Hmm.

isn't it ironic. that someone supposedly as emotional and whatevernot as me is so inadequate at these things.  yixun when you're in a better mood and read this, i'm sorreh for not being able to say nething to make you feel better. 

Aha okay zach. will try harder. hahaha.
and hadri. haha for the millionth time. The guardian of truth and liberty is NOT going to step on me just because i said that.

Anyway. one more white slip and you all won't have to see me in school anymore. aha. crap i felt quite shitty today. must have been quite a bitch in the wee hours of the day. haiz. Okay so what happened was that bitch stephen chin called me in the wee hours of the morning to go see him over my late coming. which i honestly have to admit was really a little over the top. haha. and really, if he had been remotely CIVIL about it i would have little to say.
So okay at first we went to see him during chengtju's lesson, and then he's not in. AS USUAL. i've been "supposed" to see him for 3 times before this, and he's never in. busy doing what i'm not sure.
Anyway, so meanya brings me trudging up to the hall where stephen chin is. because his indian secretary says he's up frolicking in the hall and grinning sadistically as e-ching tries to brief the J2s with that horrendous accent of hers.
And stephen chin sees me and goes "timothy right?" and sneers at me. which gets me irritated enough already. so he says "lets go to my office" all the while sneering at me, while i wonder what other intentions he may have in mind.
So halfway down the steps, at the concourse, stephen chin suddenly stops. and he asks do you know that the issue is.  Now really. i may be stupid sometimes but i'm not that bloody stupid. so i tell him yah its late coming. and then he goes into a tirade. so i say okay. i'm sorry. And then he suddenly blows up and says "NO ITS NOT OKAY. IF YOU CONTINUE ON LIKE THIS YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY COLLEGE"
WTF?!
Okay honestly i was really irritated at that point. but you know. you can never beat the system. esepecially with watchdogs like him manning it. so i tilt my head down and apologize contritely, saying yes i know latecoming so often is a serious offence.
I feel so violated. And we haven't even stepped into his office.
Then he goes on about how i don't go for detention. well mr. chin, in case your thick numbskull renders you an idiot, you'd have realised from the countless times i tried to explain that i had chinese A level listening, and was REALLY sick on the other.  I have a freaking MC for god's sake. nvrmind i shan't explain to him. his brain lacks the region that is reserved for rational thought. must be considerate to the retarded.
So we continue our little stroll into his office. where he tells me. "i'm going to call your parents" as if that would invoke fear and make me grovel and tremble.  grr. whatever lah. so he calls them. and he tells me to get out of my office first. fine. so i step out of his hellhole while he prepares me for the slaughter.  And sure enough, he asks for my dad. clever thing. anyway, yeah so he goes on and on about how i'm late and can suspension (yeah i was eavesdropping outside his office), then he talks about my detention. and leaves out the glaring obvious detail that i had chinese listening.
So the terrible phone call ends. he calls me to come back in like one would beckon a dog, and then says "sit" in the same fashion.  he procceeds to tell me about how he'll send a teacher to talk to me about my schedule, feigning concern. and all this while, he signs yet another white slip delivered to him.  I nod fakely, appear contrite, and burn with hatred from inside.
so anyway, thats how my ordeal with the devil himself went. 
It took me a while to get rid of the shitty feeling. i ponned chinese to sleep it off in the library. then i talked to mel about it. and fortunately felt better. haha its a good thing to have people who listen.  its good.
okay i'll finish this sometime later.

 

 

PW has got to be the most irritating subject in the world.
Its not just a waste of time. Its so blatantly a brainwashing tool for the government to get everyone to become more "efficient" and at the same time brainlessly competitive.

Now firstly, anything examinable should never be done in groups. For obvious reasons. The whole nature of the subject it stupid, because then marks are given based on the comparison between your groupmates and your work. which if of differing standards could mean much lower marks then another group that has nearly all standardized quality of work.
Secondly, the whole artificial process of taking minutes and action done and whatnotfuckrot is utterly useless and a complete waste of time. You want an example of an diseconomy of scale? this is it. And this isn't even a big scale company yet. just a firm with 4 workers. Instilling these ideas of bureaucracy and red tape is only going to slow down "efficiency" and prevent creativity and originality. Which ironically is this is precisely what the Singapore government has been trumpeting about like crazy.
Not to mention the fact that the research we do has little, if any relevence or usefulness at that. i mean honestly. who cares about marriage and fertility. or whether the homoseksuals in the world are increasing or not. as if the average layman cannot see that, and needs a 10centimeter thick file and a 20 page written report to make it obvious.
And while this thankfully doesn't apply to me, what if you land in a group that completely cannot work together? Now i know what the teachers chant, its a mantra that goes something along the lines of 'but when you go in the real world you need to work with all sorts of people'. well. if everyone could accomodate everyone, bosses would have no need to fire employees. the fact is, some people just cannot work with others, hence they are sacked from the company, be it under the guise of inefficiency or cutting costs. perhaps PW seeks to amend that? i'm sure it does.

AH well. i'll stop the rant now. in case some government official sees this and decides to have me assasinated. i doubt they have any qualms about murdering a malaysian.

Anyway ben sold me legacy of kain today. i feel quite dumb. i asked him if it was out yet and he was like "YAH... played and DONE with it." hahaha. and i forgot what the tentacled thing's name was. cows.

Centro.  i don't dig clubbing i guess. oh well.  the music and lights are nice, (yes i know most of you you don't like trance/techno), but the whole atmosphere and the crowd. hmm.  i think i breathed in more smoke then i've ever breathed in my whole life. and the drinks are damn weak lah. and if i say they're weak they must REALLY be weak. aha. i suppose i might have danced if i managed to get abit high. but really they were quite useless.
Oh well. at least now i know what its like. will be a long while before i relive that experience i think.  especially since i owe the fund $100.  NO wonder firas is always broke.
 
Ah well. i think i'm abit tired from going out and out.  Staying at home and overheating the ps for the past two days has been pretty relaxing.  although i was suddenly hit by this notion that i was fucking up my life somewhere halfway a battle.
 
I have to get a grip. mustmust. aha uni hadri don't banish me from the new leaves! haha i'm not that corrupted that i can't turn back.  i hope.
Though seriously speaking, this mustn't go on lah.  To get 4As will prove harder than i thought.  though i nearly scraped it for econs.  Which i think if i put in more effort can lah.  But my maths has dropped back to that pre O-level period when I was failing like shit.  i mean 19/70 has proven to be a serious wake up call.  shit man. i hope kohsiewyong will be nice enough to do tution with me before promos. argh.
And lit. ridiculous. i enjoy lit, yet i fuck up my othello. and probably silas although i haven't gotten it back.   And i still enjoy prime reputation with my teachers.  fuck lah i until now still haven't read othello.
But the one that worries me most is history.  SEA. 11/25 under chengtju. whose mother lenient.  And while i admit i didn't really study, its still horrifying to see such a lousy mark.  and i don't know about pandian's essay yet.  If that one is fucked up its an indicator that i REALLY don't know whats going on.  because i thought i could grasp that. just as i thought i may have passed maths.
 
hmm. and now i realise this rambling may seem boring to you. 
but all i want to do is make a little diary.  for my close friends to see and know what i think.  maybe get responses.  but this was never meant to be for your enteratainment. 
hmmm. she has it tough man.
 

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"
-Alexander Pope

i'm tired. this blog's turning into my little advertising ground. how silly.
Anyway i've got girl's stuff now. changwen thinks i'm more intune with these kinda things so please contact me if you want ladies' stuff. -urgh-.

Whatever it is. I guess i'm not cut out for buisness. maybe what chee said is right in a sense. i'm not firm, i tend to give in. especially to friends. i can be rather firm with strangers, but not friends. its a conflict of interest. ah well. haha maybe i'll just work in the end. should do if you ask me. all this cut-throating and bargaining with friends really gets me weary in the end. I may be too emotional for my own good.

Or i may just be trying to avoid real life again.

and technically i shouldn't be blogging this down either. since its conflict for the business. ahh whatever. i'm thinking of moving this blog. back to the days when no one knew about this place. when i could write what i wanted. fly away to a place, where i'm free to dream of stars, dive into the abyss and live it all again. without your piercing stares weighing me down.

i can't say what i want to. this has become a prison in itself. i trap my feelings in my words, and hope they don't break out.

I think i idealise too much. I create for myself a little dream world, an illusion pieced together with the shards of reality. take a step back and look at it. i said take a step back. the cracks aren't that obvious when you look from afar. only those who peer closely see how weak the glue that binds them truly is.
its in danger of falling apart. of becoming that broken mess that is reality.
Every day i discover that nothing is as it seems. and every day people tell me welcome to the real world. well honestly, i don't feel very welcomed by it. it intimidates me. leave me in my playworld where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. metaphorically speaking of course. well physically would be nice as well.

I know i'm running from reality. But why not. when This is real, why not?
reality seems more surreal than my perception. i don't think you're what you mean. at least in my dreams there's only one of all of us.

I wrote a crappy gp essay btw. i think veluri will wonder how i got what i got for gp when she sees it. metaphorically i suppose it might have been interesting, but academically speaking it was junk.

Change is the only constant.
We need to adapt to survive.
It is the law of nature.

How ironic it is that i should be eating my own words.

aha. i haven't blogged damn long. ladidum. anyway i think i'll be changing the blog music.

Ahh lets see. i think i'll bitchrantandwhine about ms MEANYA today.

I really can't stand our new CT. She's a million times worse den yeochinghunn. like a million times a million. which would make i don't know how much which is probably why i failed my maths with a big fat F. But anyway, she doesn't know how to handleour class. which is understandable i guess, since she's new and all. but then she should at least take precautions not to like anyhow make judgements. She says we don't have class spirit and all, which in a way is true, since the class is divided smack down in the middle, but that isn't to say we don't care about each other and whatever insinuations she may make. she stinks. i sure as hell hope she isn't writing our goddamned testimonials. Whats more, today i passed her this ridiculously heavy file and she just snatched it from me rudely, in a way that suggested i was dramatizing its weight. which i was lah. but whatever. i might be just petty, but only petty to people i already don't like.

aha today stank while class lasted. janahan and hadri nvr came. and den uni left 1hr20mins after i came to school. grumble. aha but at least after that was fun. haha i went with yixun to his debate training. which is fucking funneh. hahaha.

and buy my shirts. faster. i'm getting lazy. and changwen is scolding me.

aha hello
here's the link
Buy shirts here :)
haha bud if yu want to buy find me or changwen. aha thankyou

Aha hadri. stop that.
okayyy. those idiots at angelfire don't like me putting up stuff.
anyway whatever. hmmpf. what a failed attempt.

Anyway. haha i just came back lugging one humongous plastik bag of shirts. as you may have already guessed, yeah i'm selling them with changwen. aha yeah. i don't have his link yet, but i'll probably post it later, it shows all the shirts we have. aha. buy from us! haha we've got nice polo tees and shortsleeve/longsleeve shirts. all polo ralph lauren. going for much less then the price tag you see in taka. haha

Okay anyway i posted another post but blogger doesn't seem to want to show it so anyway here's the Link

oh well. hope it sells.

okay anyway. aha i've decided to try geocities instead. and change it to blurry. i have this feeling i'll run in the same problem though. it'll disappear after a while cos geocities will ban me. haiz maybe i shld give up. and hadri for the millionth time i really don't think there's a dj muthu. hahhahaha.

Aha. yay~
i've added music! :)

Aha. fan just sent me that bizarre love triangle song. the remixed one.
Normally i don't post song lyrics. But i find them especially pertinent today.

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Stabbing Westward - Bizarre Love Triangle

its wierd. i waslooking arnd at people's blogs. and of course talking to my friends.
We're not the only ones who suddenly feel so tired of life.
So tired of going to school. You know, i miss that feeling. When I used to like going to school. To see my friends, classmates, people i care about and i know care about me. I used to look forward, to anticipate something, that there would always be something new in store the next day. And its only now that i realise how thankful i am for that.

Everything just seems to have no point now.

No. point. All we're doing is the same as everyone. There's no purpose. We can't look forward anymore. Our goals are pointless, because they don't mean anything when we're done. We can't even measure up to silas, who weaves so that he can look forward to counting his gold, because we haven't anything to look forward to. The days keep ticking by now. And they are just that. 24 hours, 60 minutes, nothing but measurements of time, concepts we invent so that we can measure how much of our life we have gotten through.

Now its a battle between good and evil to drag ourselves to school.

(I don't know why i'm using "we".)

Exams even used to have a certain allure. even lessons. I'd look forward to rosie's lesson, even if it wasjust to see who she'd blow up at next. And that was refreshing. because rosie is direct. and what she says is what she thinks. might not be what she means in the long run, but it certainly is what she's thinking at that time. Its a refreshing breath of truth. Although it does sting sometimes.

The world's a big paradox. You can't be a bitch even if you are. And if you try not be a bitch you're a hypocrite. You interpret this as that, that as this, and get it all wrong. Because you'd never know if someone is just "being nice".

How often have we thought to have found someone
Only to find out that you're a flaw to her?

No wonder the pangs of loneliness. We all hunger for someone who isn't acting. Who genuinely likes us for who we are. Accepts our flaws and strengths. Someone we know isn't being politely cordial. Someone whom with we can truly be ourselves. And still be accepted. And it is only through rosie's kind of frankness can we see them.

But how do you truly be yourself when no one ever is? How do you open up with the fear of ridicule. How do you expose your flaws and still be accepted?

We're all fake. its just how well we do it.

One wrong move and its all over.

Is it really no wonder?
No wonder that we're tired of life as we know it?
This isn't how we were meant to live. We weren't supposed to put on smiles and faces for others.

We were meant to live for so much more.

okay that last line was cheesy. but its 1 am and there maths tmrw.

haha i thought so ken. I'm not very surprised. all that pounding HAS to have some effect on thebrain.

Anyway, aha OK FINE, today's chinese was 1-4. i thought itwas 11-3 because someONE told me that. and i woke up at 10 damn sleepy and grumbling about how i'd have to tolerate 4hrs of chinese. thank god i called changwen or i'd be stoning in school like some retard anxiously eager for chinese to start.
Speaking of which my space bar is spoilt. So excuse me if you see two words joined togetherlikethis.
So i flunked chinese most probably. aha i arrived late and the jiang laoshi was scolding me, then i went to my seat and put down my dictionary and then realised i didn't bring mycow up. haha. so i ranall the waydown to get my cow haha. oh well. not thati really cared. haha but the chief examiner or invigilator or whatever you call her wasdamn funny. hahaha.
and then we went to playpool and study. where we found interesting stuffs about chee. hahaha. cheeecheee. tsktsktsk. i tell her then you know.

Ey and i'm not bitchy. i'm just eloquently insulting.

MY dear, you aren't half as smart or cool as you think you are.
If you want to flaunt your intelligence, just make sure its your intelligence and not your stupidity you're flaunting

okay lit was half half. today i realised how rusty i am when it comes to writing essays. WHILE it didn't take me 10 minutes to boot up my brain, my essay was full of ugly carrots and inserts and please turn over to see what i inserted here kindof thing. not to mention a bunch of messy cancellations. poor marker. but i think i did my silas preettty well. as in O level standard kind of answer lah. which shouulldd pass. actually i'm quite confident THAT essay will pass lah. haha. as opposed to my othello one which was complete junk. if i were marking it (yeah i sortof read through my essay and imagined what the marker would do), i'd fail it. horribly. aha. no surprises there though.

and i'm damn irritated with tmrw's paper. chinese sucks man. sucks big time. 4 hour paper with no breaks is horrendous. worse it starts at 11, ends at 3. at the end i'll be one convulsing spastic block of ice. as if it wasn't bad enough this lit paper.

the worst part is that the time could be better devoted to diddling maths.

I am becoming stewpid-er.
must be all that pounding bass from the techno music.

I'm moderately happy.
aha cos my econs when pretty well today. i supposedly got 17 for mcq. which is really not bad. and my essay was quite okay too. wrote quite abit. although i think i meandered alittle out of point here and there.
ladida. good good left two subjects. and PC is relaxing paper so friday only need to mug maths. so left only othello to read now
EY WAIT.

got chinese.

ahahahaha. shit. aiyah nvrmind fail lah that one. only need to barely pass in A levels anyway. hahaha.

i just woke up anyway. and decided that i didn't quite want to start on econs yet. so i'm blogging now.
I am bored.
Well history was okay i guess. aha could have been worse. considering i only studied political impact for SEA history in the morning. but enough of that. i'll just hope i can pass both. cos i know i'm smoking like shite.
aha ey uni's friend is damn nice. he came all the way down from town just to teach us econs until damn late. aha. and he's damn good at it too. now i understand muchly.
ladidum. i've been wasting munny again.
cabbed down to novena to pay 6 dollars for maggi mee.
bah. i'm incoherent now. and i feel the sniffles coming.
wednesday is lit somemore. i haven't read othello.

ho-hum. CTs are tomorrow. did i mention that i haven't touched SEA history. and its 7:30 now. haha shite. die already. aiyah so much for wanting to get As in cts. haha.
aiyah crap lah. haha i thought holidays so long could catch up, then in the end still the same. anyway yeah screw CTs. promos then pia lah.

its hard to open up.
because sometimes.
people just don't care.

oh good good. i got a new fone. haha. yay. finally. i'm rid of the 3310 armor-casing-spoilt-and-dying piece of shit.

Anyway i finally watched the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. which was good. though a tad bit artsy-fartsy. But it was really good. and sweet. haha i must have looked like an idiot in the cinema. i was like smiling non stop. cos it was just so nice.

i must watch it again sometime. haha.

Eppie in de toal hole!

Could we stay like this forever

okay keith i read your poem.
which is nice. save the last line.
AND I REALLY OSO CAN WRITE POEM. i show you one day.

i keep smelling soft shell crabs and feeling like vomitting.

anyway i'm horrendously sick now. as is keith. sick as in feeling like shite~. haha because we went to eat sushi buffet today. then keith challenged me to see who can eat more. mind you this was when we'd all eaten and were about to leave. so we forced 3 chawanmushi's down each. then after that we ate 10 pieces of soft shell crabs on top of the ones we ate already. yeah. the soft shell crabs were quite torturous. haha and then we wanted to decide it a draw at the 8th one but then the bitch waiter told us the last plate was coming. and it came like 1 million years later.

Anyway i just came back. from staying over at chee's house with changwen and keith. aha yay. yah we stayed to watch sokker. not that i usually do lah. but anyway since they were betting i tot i'd just throw in 10 dollars. for the fun of it. anyway yeah we won. or so we thought. haha. i thought i had an extra 4 dollars to spend when suddenly changwen's cousin (who's doing the booking for us) tell us that the bookie didn't accept $40 bets. like wtf! after the match then you tell us?! haha i bet his cousin's eating the munny lah.

oh shit i just burped. yuckyuckyuck. soft shell crab.

speaking of backstabbing. haha. SOMEONE thinks i'm a (quote) "buaya. a pathetic one at that." arrgh! like wth! arrgh! haha i buaya meh? SERIOUSLY. hello? i'm gay! (so you said yourself). doesn't that sort of contradict each other? aiyah whatever. jc life is full of this kind of shit. i don't remember ri being such a political institution. its quite sad. in ri even if you were buaysong with someone it was usually for a while and you just shouted and yelled and maybe fight a little and then it'd be all settled. or you'd just really not care. now you ostracize the person. and if you can win enough cliques to your cause, you can succeed in obliterating the person's social life permenantly forever and ever. hmm. its quite sad.

Anyway i'll never eat another plate of soft shell crab again. for life.

Oh well. changwen sent me this. i thought it was quite sweet.

When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold

Yay i bought the corrs album
though not as good as talk on corners.
which i still don't have. because i can't remember who i lent it to.
(which is quite long ago... about... umm. alot of years)


I wanna take you for granted
Drift while you're talking
Bathe while you're downstairs
And chat on the phone

Fall sleep before bedtime
Pass in the hallway
Forget your birthday
And shrink all your clothes

Dear god,
Ummm. i went church last sunday. again. after about eons of not attending.
Nothing's changed. I still feel out of place... In most ways i feel that i shouldn't be there. I'm not worthy in fact. I've done a lot of things i'm not proud of. Things that aren't exactly typical of catholic life. Selfish, manipulative and immoral things. And to go church and listen to them tell you how you should be a living example of christ... sorry. i can't be that. not even close. not by a long shot.
How is it even possible anyway. christ was god, that why he could do it. we're not, unfortunately. Sin is part of our daily lives, whether we want to deny it or not. Thoughts that run through your head, themselves are sins as well. And how is it possible for one to control one's thoughts? Because in denying a thought you are thinking it as well? Nevermind. this isn't the point.
Anyway, yeah thats why i don't really like to profess myself to be catholic. Or rather i dare not. The expectations that come with it are so high. Expectations i know i cannot and never will live up to. I don't want people to think i'm a hypocrite, proudly proclaiming to be christian while behaving rather questionably.

I am not worthy to receive you.

Hmm. lets see.
friday we had pw meeting then went to uni's house to bake brownies. hahaha. her brownies not bad. and i found out that i can crack eggs! hahaha. oh then after tt we played pokemon monopoly. haha. its not fair lah! i WOULD have won had uni and janahan and manya not ganged up on me. hmmpf.
Anyway then yesterdae i watched harry potty again. which i tell you is pathetic. as if once wasn't bad enough.
oh and i bought a white quiksilver belt. which is quite nice. althought cw says its a pussy-white. but i like.

oh i came back frm fishing on monday! it was DAMN FUN!!!!! i caught a mountain of fishes! n we caught a huge fish which is half the size of me!!!
staying in a disgusting kampung really made me realise how lucky everyone in s'pore is! when we actually do take our basic necessities for granted, such as a TOILET! n showers n taps.
fishing's really great! goot time to relax n think back abt everything!! it actualy helps you sort out your thoughts n set goals n such. best of all. you get a nice meal after that! haha every night we ate a lil bit of ALL the fishes we caught! leave on the boat at 8am n come back at 6pm every day. clearly tiring stuff.
i'll c if i can post the pic of my mountain of fishes!

ooh the picture on marn's blog is damn good. haha. its absolutely perfect. i think i'll go gaze at it for a while

Ahhh well. this is probably damn dampener but i've just realised how much i need to catch up on. like the whole of tarling. and assorted bits of international history. sprinkle with abit of silas marner and throw in the whole book of othello as well. i'm finished.

ANYWAYZ. haha i played mahjong at keef's hse yesteryesterday. hahaz. i didn't lose alot! =) haha only 2 dollarz. anyway yeah then i came home at midnight and forgot to get the stuff from sarah low. haha manya's going to kill me. i'm so sorrie! i'll get it from her when her camp ends or smth.

And anyway sometime before that i was studying with hadri and suwee. studying with hadri is unproductive. Very unproductive. haha. he took some book off the shelf and said he was studying for GP. and when i reminded him that gp was last last week, he promptly switched to studying PC. but i digress again. anyway, yeah i talked with suwee briefly abt hypocrisy. If you don't quite like someone, but you continue to hang out with them anyway, for whatever reasons, does that make you a hypocrite? I hope not. haha. everyone has flaws after all. does that mean you can only hang out with perfect pple to not be a hypocrite? anyway sometimes you only find out certain irritating flaws about someone after you spend a certain amount of time and devote a certain amount of energy to forging friendship with them. And while you may not like it, you can't just simply not hang out with him can you? Be it for the sake of the friendship, or even if the flaw makes him a friend not worth having, for the sake of the time spent as well. And its only human to bitch. But then bitching behind someone's back and then hanging around him would make you a hypocrite wouldn't it? Even if you don't bitch, the very harbouring of the thought that he's so irritating in front of him would make you one as well wouldn't it?

Life's so hard to live.

Oh fine it isn't a wedding dress. its a white flowing dress with many many frills.

Anyway yesterday went for rp meeting in the morning. haha. must learn how to project voice. Haiyar... i just can't seem to do it (while everyone else can). its not my fault! i'm usually so soft-spoken =P. After tt went town. watched potty with hadri and smritti and shafia and suwee. potty was quite lousy. and the dementors hardly appeared. hmmpf.
After that waited for clara for 2 hrs. ridiculous lah that woman. i called her at 4 and she was like "oh okay i'm coming down now... about 5?" then at 5 she called me and said "ey ey i'm still at home." hahaha. so i waited with manya for her until about 6 at city hall, then we went for chuin's birthday dinner. haha alv's quite sweet to plan the whole thing for her and addy. though i don't know addy. yeahz anyway the food there's good, though the stuff was expensively eyepopping. Anyway after tt we hung arnd esplanade for a while then i went home with clara. haha where we had a good chat on the bus. the world's such a small place.

don't mind me. i'm not pissed. just sad that i'll never even be able to have what you have anymore. i'm merely human being after all.

Haha as you can see i've let changwen in my blog.
i hope its not a mistake.
(not that i can't correct any of course)

AND VOTE FOR SUWEE'S MOM
haha go her blog to see how.

Anywa today i went laura's house. which is good stuff house. studied lit with yixun and andrea there, had a look at the wedding dress thingie hahaz, then had dinner. which is godly. laura's mom should open a restaurant. her cooking would thrash jack's place upside down lah. haha anyway andrea and laura were reallly hospitable, yeah after tt we watched a beautiful life den went home.
i hope my hair doesn't turn green like ken says. really. the ends are abit now though.

my first time blogging! wtf weird stuff. cheem me out. but anyway...haha silly party we went to...i shudn't haf drank so much. i alwyas drink too much. well relatively speaking aniwae since i din really consume so much as compared to others but for memyselfni ITS A DAMN LOT. i n get drunk so easily. haha shit i wondered if i really did aniting so stupid....but hey its forgivable i'm drunk afterall. stupid tim...should haf thrown him in the sea while i was drunk. its forgivable!hahaha n tt stupid owner....paid 32 buks for more alcohol...clearly unclever.

hehe but wat to do i'm pro i dunt get hangovers. it feels real goot to get all woozy n you sleep SO soundly. n the nxt morn when you wake up. you feel lyk you had a super goot sleep n you're so fresh. haha superb. i luv drinking. though its expensive.

timmy you slut... you went for free hair dye again! n it was so troublesome for her mudder! had to bleach it lyk 3 times over? n wasted so much time!!! haha i hoep its nice...after all it took them lotsa trouble. n wasted...it doesn't really represent any festive season eh?

haha i'll be going deep sea fishing tmr. hehe i'll catch fishes the size of timmy the gay fag. i hoep the sun doesn't cook me alive though... n catch many many fishes back.4 days of fishing in the open seas...pray the weather's goot n no big stormy waves

on to serious stuff! tim complains he tt he has nvr felt luved! poor him! haha complains no gal lyks him n stuff. but really he isn't all gay n pussy la! he's nice n HOT!
but seriously a rship requires lots of commitments n stuff.its nice to be luved but so much trouble involved!!!aniwae tim will prolly go find a gay n settle down wif him in the near future. HAHA

oh hello. i'm back! hehe. hangover-less fortunately.
Well the party din go as planned i guess, but nevertheless i tot i had quite a good time. haha. I was high i suppose so that couldn't be helped. Ah well.
haha people do wierd things when they're kookoo.
Dumdeedum.
Oh and i've dyed my hair. its got yellow and blue streaks. its nice! really! i think
aiyah. nvrmind
i'll edit this later later

hmm. haven't blogged in a long time.
Anyway, recent happenings include: i'm going! haha yay. thx chuin and co. AND KEITH LIM. Keith Lim who is teh King of Kings and he makes the world go round. and whoever else lah.
Also, i went shoppping. first with the b.p. den we bot a shirt... which was quite nice. haha from far east. den we sort of split and i went with hadri and met adfzar and smritti later. Den we went back to try buy the jeans but somehow it was 89. i din have that much cash so we went off to find adfzar a cap for his new hair, den i met cw and chee dey all, then we went bugis to pasar malam. where i bought a jeans and two shirts. yah but i'll probably buy the polo ralph lauren one some other day. broke already. hahaz.
And mel and chuin drew up this list. of things i hafe to do. which could be a leeeetle difficult.

Anyway if i've written stuff about this bear with me.
I think that "the man" is an outdated and piggish stereotype. Indeed, i cannot begin to fathom the reasons why it has been passed down the ages. Because while being "the man" would consist of portraying an macho image, the fact is that this is simply meant to intimidate would be predators. While indeed this would have been useful in primal cave-man times, this image has become somewhat skewed through the ages. Because now, being "the man" consists of being chauvnistic, and is made up of three things: sex booze and drugs. which is quite a sad state of affairs. Whether the booze is exquisite champagne or plain old beer, the drugs, cigars or cigarettes, the fact remains is that this is what "the man" has degenerated to. (or continued to exist as)

So is it really that ideal?

Sometimes i wish i were more eloquent. that i knew what to say to make it better. I should take courses in comforting people.

Anyway, today was nice. niceee. NICEEEE. ahaha sorrie. Went to sch late again, skipped batchelor's lesson so i wouldn't have to face him. I'm terrified of him ever since he yelled at me. Funny how an shrivelled old angmoh can instil such fear in me. Well anyway then i had a little chat with chuin on the corridors before i left for hockey. yeah thx chuin for helping. although actually don't need already. nvrmind i tell you later. haha.
then i watched hockey with cw and firas. girls play hockey is sian/2 lah. so slow paced. haha the only powerful one is the NUMBER 77 aka pauline. wah lau she's damn bao li lah. gdstuff. haha the only interesting moments were when she got the ball. Then the guys hockey was damn good. damn ci ji. and much more interesting. haha too bad dunnoe neone from hockey. hai.
haha and cw was fretting about how to comfort her. understandably. Its difficult. I wouldn't know what to say either, and after a while the brain goes dry of comforting things to say.
Anyway its late. i'll go sleep

ooh. rugby won. haha finally a victory.
tts good. this time they go from the finals happy. gratz ruggers.

Note to self: never eat at whatever chiapanese shitty buffets again. waste munny waste time.
Oh changwen and markeio and chunyat went to dye their hairs today. they cannot go to sch anymore. immediate suspension one. sure. Hahaz changwen looks remotely like a christmas tree, mark eio like lion, and chunyat i'm not quite sure. ahh but they're all quite nice. i like the christmas tree one actually. looks veri punkish. hahahaz.
I also have 1million scents on my hands. I'll never go browsing colognes with changwen again. He sprays all the potentially smelly ones on me. Thankfully not all are REALLY smelly. EXcept for the mamalemon one. which fortunately faded quite fast.

Little rant coming up. Bitching to be exact.

I don't understand. i haven't stepped on your toes, i sure as hell haven't offended you. You have no cause, no semblance of reason to show such hostility to me. Don't think you're cool and all there. You're far from it, you've a long way to go, you and your kiam-pah face. And if its simply because i would serve no benefit to you that you show such disdain towards me, well you need to grow up. Your facade betrays you for the immature and shallow creature that you need to face up to. If you have a problem speak up like the man you would like to portray yourself as. Sulking is as womanish as the very trait you despise about me.

You don't HARVEST me.
What am i. GRAIN?

OH man. did i miss my chinese a level oral exams?
i hope that oral was for cts man. hoho shitshit.

haha oh it was promos. oh well.

~my weakness caused you pain, and this song is my sorry~

I actually wrote a nice dramatic paragrah about how little i apparently mean to yixun, but i've deleted it at his request. Anyway, yixun is helping me in lit, with strings attached. But what the heck. Eching must not win.

I was talking to yihong about manipulation just now. how appropriate. But anyway, it is quite fair to say that everything is manipulation in one form or another. That buying a girl dinner is in fact trying to get her to like you. A form of bribery. OR that it portrays yourself as being able to provide for her and that you are rich.
But i hope not. I'd always thought that buying a girl dinner was simply to make her happy. And that you'd be happy seeing her happy. As simple as that.
Ah well. i guess everything is a sort of manipulation. The expression of emotions itself is a signal for people to comfort you in times of depression or disappointment, or express joy for your success and happiness.
It isn't fair to label such things with the negative connotations that the word "manipulation" has though. we all have a need to share our joys and sorrows.
Oh well.

Speaking of which, my glasses are killing me. I hope its just temporary.

Well. sickly teenage drama queen has found out that everytime is actually played on a harp. And doesn't sound as nice on the piano. rats. maybe if i push the pedal it'll sound like a harp enough.

Its time again for more rantings of a teenage drama queen.

I'm sick. and dying. here i am chair-ridden writing this blog entry so that i can tell everyone that i'm sick and dying. Just thought you should know :).
So anyway i've got a like 38.something fever and permanant nausea. And an undone eching essay. That should be handed up by tmrw. Which i cannot hand up because i won't be there.
I hope uni tells her in time. that i'm sick and unable to give her her stinking assignment. before she complains to perry again and then instigates perry to make me drop lit.
*grrr*

ladida. went for un talk today. un talk damn sian. damn damn sian.
I was sniffling throughout the whole thing. I think that place is dust-laden. Oh and chee can draw quite well. haha during the talk he drew a picture of the place. QUite nice. must remember to scan it in for him. haha puss me chuin and mel were passing notes throughout the whole thing... haha quite funny.
After tt we went to chuin's house to chill. where we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days. The only nice dress is the last yellow one lah! the rest look like pyjamas. hmmpf. Den we watched cruel intentions. which is damn kewl. There's manipulation going on from every angle in that film man. intriguing stuff.
oh yah chuin is damn hospitable. haha she bot pizza and stuff for us and din make us pay at all. chuin rocks~
Speaking of which. i tink i'll try and learn how to play everytime. It'll probably sound better without britney singing it. =P

There was even more to the eching saga today. This may never truly end. She may actually succeed in spoiling every day of my life with a reprimand from a different lit teacher each day.
Perhaps i should talk to her and tell her she's being really unprofessional by telling all the lit teachers i have no interest in the subject. Which, my dear -eheh-, is far from the truth. You sneaky bitch. If she has a problem she should come and settle it with me first before ratting to all the teachers.

Anyway, eching aside, Hadri chongs yeemeng and janahan got in faction! haha yay. the poem worked for hadri. hahahaha. ANyway congratz to all who got in. And those who didn't, don't take it too hard lah. There'll be plenty of other opportunities. yeahz.

Today i watched shrek 2 with uni and hadri... haha i ponned chinese to go watch it. Was nice and funny, lots of parodies of other things. Sushi and Sashimi were inside. And puss was damn cute! hahaha. Quite hillarious although i didn't get what they were refering to sometimes. Anyway, then we went to buy straws so that uni could torture her fingers by folding manymany stars with them. The things love makes you do. Yeah so we went to meet puss chuin and mel at lido and fold stars, haha then uni tried to teach us. haha puss is damn funny, his star kept falling apart. haha uni tried to teach him 5 times but it still fell apart. hahahaha. After tt i tried calling chee and cw but they din pickup. Probably were at the club doing gym or smth.

I have given up. There is more to the eching saga, but to elaborate is useless. The very typing of these words is too great an effort for vermin like her.

E-ching is a bitch!
Wah lau. I go for lit lecture finally in god knows how many million years, and that retarded woman HAS to be lecturing. (i know she usually lectures for othello anyway, but still) So since i couldn't stand that utterly irritating voice of hers i went on to talk to chee and fan. At which we promptly got yelled at by batchelor from behind. hmmpf. well fair enough grumpy old man. You were just probably as irritated as us over e-ching's voice and wanted to let off some steam. We'll forgive you.
So at which we decided to shutup and listen to her, which proved to be an exercise in futility, since the constant -eh-eh- were quite a distraction. Albeit the stuff on the transparency was quite interesting. So anyway,at the end of the lecture, that bitch came up to me and went "timothy! where are you notes-eh". NARBEH! so anyway i told her no notes taken down. then she asked "can you all recite the lecture to me-eh?" HELL NO! why on earth would you want me to repeat a bloody lecture that YOU gave with all the -eh-eh-s peppered in between? holy shit!
So anyway, e-ching-eh happens to be my teacher as well. we lost perry for her. I mean how huge a disparity is that? So ANYWAY, that bitch comes and tells me that i haven't handed up her great expectations assignment. Fair enough. it slipped my mind. So she said that if i don't hand it up to her i'll have to see mrs perry about dropping lit. WTF?! Bitch there's NO-WAY you are going to make me drop lit. ever. Hell she was talking about my attitude and stuff?! Ey for god's sake i actually like lit lah! I do her ridiculously mundane pieces of homework most of the time, i passed up the grandmother thing and her stupid olaf poem with all the swear words that she loves to say embarassedly. (is there such a word?) And i put effort in them, i don't hand it up for the sake of handing it up, as in i actually like doing it. torturous as the choice of poem may be. If she thinks she can make me drop lit cos I didn't hand up her great expectations, well FAT HOPE YOUNG LADY. I'll DO your stinking greatexpectations assignment. If only not to piss perry off. Don't think i'm doing it for you.

Anyway, i went for rp auditions today. haha. oops. they said i wasn't loud enough. but hadri said i was in? which is good. maybe i'll just work on projecting my voice and stuff. I always thought they had mikes, thats why their voices were so loud. haha oops. guess i thought wrong. Then after that i went wif smritti thea hadri shafia and suwee to macs. den we talked about hadri. haha. THE EMBITTERED ONE.

urgh life is not going well. i think i'll go do my inthist

Hmmpf. Mel is ungrateful. Here i am at 12 mn helping her think up of stuff to put in her speech, and there she is calling me a retard on the tagboard. hmmpf
Ingrates aside, i sort of regret not applying for faction. It was my last chance to actually try for some sort of position.
Well tough luck.
And yihong's trying to propose a business extension of changwen's. Which is so going to flop. Its hardly even air-tight. Because its difficult to sell it for that high when people can just go to the pasarmalam and buy. While it IS real shirts from whatever place, people don't always know that. And given the way we're selling it, they have every reason not to believe us. ITs always risky to resell another's brand name anyway. Changwen almost had a hellofatime trying to sell those 20 shirts already.
Whatever lah. We'll see how it goes.
I love savage garden too. I want affirmation. And their self-titled album. Which isn't easy to find nowadays. -sigh-
Oh yeah. Gp was wonderfully amusing today. Veluri was extremely animated today, she kept acting and telling funny jokes and insulting in that utterly hilarious tone of hers. What a refreshing change from her boring moronic insults. I actually managed to stay awake. on a double gp period. without toilet breaks. accomplishment sia.

hmm. i've gotten a guestbook. Yeah i'm not really happy with the color scheme i guess. but heck care. Any suggestions on it sign in the guestbook! haha. or you could tag if you really can't stand the colours i suppose.
umm anonymous: i can't answer that question so i'll just ignore it like you say.
And why's my tagboard turned into a culimination of deaththreats?!

Yay. Just finished keith's stuff. Now keef owes me free lunch. goodie.
Haha my muscles are painful. my arm cannot bend. i'm tired and sleepy and aching. Maybe gym isn't for me.
Speaking of which my mother declined to pay for me. She went bonkers when she found out tt it was 138 a month and not 138 one shot. haha -oops-. After that she went on into a tiresome tirade about how money doesn't grow on trees and my father's retiring soon.
Oh well. guess i won't be able to hang out wif chee and cw and mk and bobo at the club.
Speaking of which, if thats REALLY chee, which i don't think it is, he's probably being pms-y. Chee is normally nice. He's not bitchy or pettyetty like that person on the tagboard. But if it is him he's probably just having a bad day. Because chee is nice. haha. USUALLY. And chee turning gay is not slander! hehehe. You wrote it yourself lah!
Anyway, to whoever anonymous is... Yeah she's probably not worth the misery that she's causing... but then again that's my fault and not hers isn't it? I was the one who chose to get all miserable over her. And i guess i'm trying to get over tt.

Mel told chongs!
hoohoo shit. that can't be good.
Besides, this is the 100th post... so i'll write about this blog. Which has seen me through a few months coming to a year. Quite interesting actually. And to think i used to think the concept of "online diary" was a horrible oxymoron.
But surprisingly blogger has served me well. haha noone seemed to find this place until eons later when i told a few people. And even now it remains a pretty private and safe sanctuary. For me to whine and for you to find out what I really think.
Oh well. And in doing my links i've realised that so little of my friends blog. ah. pity.
But i guess life's just like that.

hoohoo. mel is pissed again
i have a knackof pissing her off. Its highly amusing
This time cos we were talking about faction... then i was telling her that she'll most probably get in if she gets past interview, then she and chongs can go form like a duo team and garner votes. Den she complained smth about how every guy will go up to chong and ask "can i give you all my votes?" haha. then we moved on to the speech. Then i said yah that could be a problem. imagine you going up there and speaking all airheadedly "hi everyonneeee.... i'm meellll~" hahahaz. and she got fedup. hehez.
Oh then after that there was the birthday thing. hahaha.
i hope she doesn' tell chongs. *grumble*

SHANE KUA GOT IN HUMANS?!
ifeelveritoolaned. holyshitlah! SLAP THAT BITCH IN TJ.
anyway, mel's pissed with me again i tinks. haha cos i said yuping owns her. hehez.
but its true wad! hrmmpf.
well today sucked. apparently everyone has ditched me like i predicted. Changwen and chee went to their "exclusive!!!" club, leaving poor old me in school. And i thought i had a reprieve when i saw fan and niggerling, but noooo, fan is "BUSY" fetching SOMEONE home and niggerling is "going home" at 1:10. mmmhmmm. So i hung around in school like some ridiculous dumbass talking to uni and brandon and max until they went for their trainings. den i went to talk to xf and keith who also went for training. haha keith now blames me for chee's gayification. it is NOT my fault lah! i didn't go buy perfume with chee, i didn't gay around with him for 3 days, and i DEFINITELY DID NOT ask him to sign up for the gym membership. hahaz. den i talked to zx. and bitched about the tj principal who is utterly retarded and pathetically jealous of rjc it seems. Clearly she doesn't seem to understand that US STUDENTS should not be caught up in whatever political wars and agenda she has between her school and ours. bitchybitch. Den apparently i cannot run for faction either! because i din come to sch last week and its too late to get my name down. aiyah my life is rotting away. haiyar. i hafe no one to hangout with! hahaz.

Speaking of which, i have never been more put off by gyms since i went into cali fitness with theyall today. I am utterly shocked and disgusted. Its not so much the musty smell of sweat that lingers in the air, or the oppressive crowds. Rather it was the line of treadmills with mindless people running on them. God, the image reminds me of some evil experiment where they get hamsters to run on treadmills to power whateveritis. everyone's doing everything in synchronization, its like a bloody factory! And with the hypnotic techno music (LOUSY TECHNO MUSIC AT THAT) booming in the background, you'd almost have thought it was brainwash-to-conformity central.

Ooh. Chee is turning gay. Haha he paid manymanydollars to join gym club with bobo. And cw mite be joining wif mk lah. Aiyah i feel left out. hahaz. but i don't realli want to join lah anyway. the club's really nice though. and posh. It's quite a cool place to hang out i guess... but forking out that much $$ just for a place to hang out's abit too much in my opinion. Not like i'm seriously interested in doing the gym after all. And i don't want to eat meepok for the rest of my life like cw. hehez.
Today sucked. I didn't get humans. SHIT LAH! i didn't get humans! Well first before i start complaining and bitching, congratz to all those who got in. good for you, moe recognized your talent. Now for the rant.
What the heck is wrong with moe! they're absolutely retarded. I mean when i first got rejection letter i was like... okay.. maybe they're looking for people with more calibre and better capabilities then me. Which is alright lah if the people who gotin were better / didn't get in were worse. But holy shit! zhong xing didn't get in! holy fuck lah! he's like the last person i thought wouldn't get in. Amber prize! Then people like the 11a1 girl din get in, and i was totally convinced that something is wrong with moe. Either that blind bat who interviewed me and decided to make my bloody life so difficult by telling me that great poets are depressed and manical and don't really better empathise and understand people as i said was having pms today, or moe's really blind to talent. Speaking of which, alot of the people interviewed by the tj principal were fucked. I don't mean me when i'm talking about talent. Although now I really think that perhaps i had deserved more of a chance at the scholarship. Actually I mean people like zhong and zhi an. And alot of the others who definitely deserved the scholarship.
And horrors of horrors, they're kicking people out?! I don't tink that's been done before, but its utterly ridiculous. On what criteria do you kick people out then?! Its totally silly and unfair to those who've been doing all the different subjects for 5 mths (speaking of which, the long 5 months is AGAIN moe's fault for being so sluggish), and to expect them to restart again. With lousier teachers. And perhaps a whole new class. Its not good, not fair, not healthy. In fact its absolutely inhumane. Partly because humans people only thrive in their intellectual and discussive environment. And partly cos its bloody evil.
And worst of all, now i have no option to push my reset button. I was hoping that perhaps that the retards up there would gimme the scholarship so that i could change syllabus and play ignorant and stupid all over again. Now i don't have that option. i HAVE to catch up on SEA history and Othello. I CANNOT continue to think "oh well i might change class yu noe" anymore. HOW TO PROCRASTINATE NOW?
Not that i'd have changed class actually. Actually i might have. I love the class, its really nice, but the teachers... well certain teachers lah. Incompetent-ehehe. Utterly incompetent-ehehe. And of course itwould have been entertaining to come under purvis. Who's apparently utterly funny.
Actually that can be remedied. Work hard and do S Lit. ooh. hmmm. But i'll still be stuck with -eheh-. toopeed e-ching-ah.
And i always thought that i was just going to be temporary in ao1d. that i'd be sad to go to humans. Well tim, apparently you were wrong. You won't have to make a soppy farewell speech anymore.
Shit you fan and chee. you should have transferred to my class lah! idiots. i told you its possible that i wouldn't get in. Not that i wanted that possibility to become reality of course.
urrgh. feeling all pekcheked. i feel cheated. i placed quite abit of hopes on this. to have it all dashed to pieces is quite pathetic. Irritating actually. Very irritating. May sound pompous and presumptuous of me, but i feel i deserved it. maybe to be the lower-rung of the humans scholars perhaps, i can't say that i'm on equal terms with people like yixun and jonyap definitely, but i still think i deserved it. I think i have the kind of mind and academic capability. Maybe i'm abit lazy, but that always can be remedied. urgh. die you bastards. rot in your lavish tax-paid offices at buona vista while you deprive deserving young people of the recognition they deserve.
Hmm. perhaps i'm quite a sore loser sometimes. Just that i've never really failed academically when i put my mind to it. Its a first for me. And i'm not happy that the first scholarship i've ever applied for has rejected me in the face.

Getting attached is the last frontier left in the search for love. If it isn't there, then where is it?

I've got a sudden pang of loneliness again.
Don't know where it came from. Came back from ORA and then town and just suddenly felt all alone in the world. I suppose part of this might stem from -uknowwhat- yeah.
But maybe its just cos i still don't have anyone. I need a close friend. As in really close. Maybe abit like bud and ben, someone whom i can talk about life and other things till the cows come home and not feel one bit awkward.
No one has time for that now. We're too caught up in life, schoolwork, lectures, girlfriends. There's no time to idle around and talk now. No time to just stare up at the sky and ask silly questions.
No time. Its quite sad really.
Life's so tiring now. I just feel so superficial sometimes, and i guess that's partly cos of the general culture. When the only things to talk about are whether she looks good or he's going out with her, its only inevitable.
No wonder people want to get attatched. So that they have someone to call up when they feel like i do.
I feel cheap and hollow again. For all thats worth I don't mean much.

~You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight~

where did my last post go?
hmmm... and anyway, i'm screwed up lah. i took my september holiday in advance this week.

If growing up means finding less things to be happy about, I'd rather stay a child.
I'm still sick.
and coughing.
and dying.
If i ended up in hospital would you visit?
Its funny isn't it. I think part of suicidal thoughts stem from the pity that a person hopes to acheive after his death.

I miss ri.
I miss mornings where we gather in class and do stupid stuff. I miss the mornings where everyone's busy copying homework that hasn't been done. Where we had proper tables and our own classroom.
I miss the closeness of my class. Funny i never noticed it until i plopped into rj, but yeah i miss it. I miss sitting next to szekiat and changwen. And getting moved around all the time cos i kept talking to people.
I miss tancheewan. and two. and rosie albeit her weirdness. and paul. and bek. and ermin. and lam.
I miss ranting and bitching about leongcheehoong. I miss terrible cucumber and lolex.
I miss the phelgm-green chairs that fan threw at changwen
I miss the immense amount of time we once had. Such that there was time to be everyone's friend.
I miss gep. the everyone-in-gep-knows-everyone feeling.
I miss ri.
-sigh-

Yay. We made clinton happy today. haha me and uni went to buy a cake and muffin from mrs fields then we stuck a candle in the muffin and brought it to clinton in lido. hahaz yay. den we watched 50 first dates with uni janahan tiffany mel chuin puss joel marns. yeah. i fell asleep =P.
Anyway, i'm still sick. from that day. i don't know whats wrong with me. maybe i'm falling apart.
school sucks. work sucks. life now sucks too.