okay lit was half half. today i realised how rusty i am when it comes to writing essays. WHILE it didn't take me 10 minutes to boot up my brain, my essay was full of ugly carrots and inserts and please turn over to see what i inserted here kindof thing. not to mention a bunch of messy cancellations. poor marker. but i think i did my silas preettty well. as in O level standard kind of answer lah. which shouulldd pass. actually i'm quite confident THAT essay will pass lah. haha. as opposed to my othello one which was complete junk. if i were marking it (yeah i sortof read through my essay and imagined what the marker would do), i'd fail it. horribly. aha. no surprises there though.

and i'm damn irritated with tmrw's paper. chinese sucks man. sucks big time. 4 hour paper with no breaks is horrendous. worse it starts at 11, ends at 3. at the end i'll be one convulsing spastic block of ice. as if it wasn't bad enough this lit paper.

the worst part is that the time could be better devoted to diddling maths.

I am becoming stewpid-er.
must be all that pounding bass from the techno music.

I'm moderately happy.
aha cos my econs when pretty well today. i supposedly got 17 for mcq. which is really not bad. and my essay was quite okay too. wrote quite abit. although i think i meandered alittle out of point here and there.
ladida. good good left two subjects. and PC is relaxing paper so friday only need to mug maths. so left only othello to read now
EY WAIT.

got chinese.

ahahahaha. shit. aiyah nvrmind fail lah that one. only need to barely pass in A levels anyway. hahaha.

i just woke up anyway. and decided that i didn't quite want to start on econs yet. so i'm blogging now.
I am bored.
Well history was okay i guess. aha could have been worse. considering i only studied political impact for SEA history in the morning. but enough of that. i'll just hope i can pass both. cos i know i'm smoking like shite.
aha ey uni's friend is damn nice. he came all the way down from town just to teach us econs until damn late. aha. and he's damn good at it too. now i understand muchly.
ladidum. i've been wasting munny again.
cabbed down to novena to pay 6 dollars for maggi mee.
bah. i'm incoherent now. and i feel the sniffles coming.
wednesday is lit somemore. i haven't read othello.

ho-hum. CTs are tomorrow. did i mention that i haven't touched SEA history. and its 7:30 now. haha shite. die already. aiyah so much for wanting to get As in cts. haha.
aiyah crap lah. haha i thought holidays so long could catch up, then in the end still the same. anyway yeah screw CTs. promos then pia lah.

its hard to open up.
because sometimes.
people just don't care.

oh good good. i got a new fone. haha. yay. finally. i'm rid of the 3310 armor-casing-spoilt-and-dying piece of shit.

Anyway i finally watched the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. which was good. though a tad bit artsy-fartsy. But it was really good. and sweet. haha i must have looked like an idiot in the cinema. i was like smiling non stop. cos it was just so nice.

i must watch it again sometime. haha.

Eppie in de toal hole!

Could we stay like this forever

okay keith i read your poem.
which is nice. save the last line.
AND I REALLY OSO CAN WRITE POEM. i show you one day.

i keep smelling soft shell crabs and feeling like vomitting.

anyway i'm horrendously sick now. as is keith. sick as in feeling like shite~. haha because we went to eat sushi buffet today. then keith challenged me to see who can eat more. mind you this was when we'd all eaten and were about to leave. so we forced 3 chawanmushi's down each. then after that we ate 10 pieces of soft shell crabs on top of the ones we ate already. yeah. the soft shell crabs were quite torturous. haha and then we wanted to decide it a draw at the 8th one but then the bitch waiter told us the last plate was coming. and it came like 1 million years later.

Anyway i just came back. from staying over at chee's house with changwen and keith. aha yay. yah we stayed to watch sokker. not that i usually do lah. but anyway since they were betting i tot i'd just throw in 10 dollars. for the fun of it. anyway yeah we won. or so we thought. haha. i thought i had an extra 4 dollars to spend when suddenly changwen's cousin (who's doing the booking for us) tell us that the bookie didn't accept $40 bets. like wtf! after the match then you tell us?! haha i bet his cousin's eating the munny lah.

oh shit i just burped. yuckyuckyuck. soft shell crab.

speaking of backstabbing. haha. SOMEONE thinks i'm a (quote) "buaya. a pathetic one at that." arrgh! like wth! arrgh! haha i buaya meh? SERIOUSLY. hello? i'm gay! (so you said yourself). doesn't that sort of contradict each other? aiyah whatever. jc life is full of this kind of shit. i don't remember ri being such a political institution. its quite sad. in ri even if you were buaysong with someone it was usually for a while and you just shouted and yelled and maybe fight a little and then it'd be all settled. or you'd just really not care. now you ostracize the person. and if you can win enough cliques to your cause, you can succeed in obliterating the person's social life permenantly forever and ever. hmm. its quite sad.

Anyway i'll never eat another plate of soft shell crab again. for life.

Oh well. changwen sent me this. i thought it was quite sweet.

When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold

Yay i bought the corrs album
though not as good as talk on corners.
which i still don't have. because i can't remember who i lent it to.
(which is quite long ago... about... umm. alot of years)


I wanna take you for granted
Drift while you're talking
Bathe while you're downstairs
And chat on the phone

Fall sleep before bedtime
Pass in the hallway
Forget your birthday
And shrink all your clothes

Dear god,
Ummm. i went church last sunday. again. after about eons of not attending.
Nothing's changed. I still feel out of place... In most ways i feel that i shouldn't be there. I'm not worthy in fact. I've done a lot of things i'm not proud of. Things that aren't exactly typical of catholic life. Selfish, manipulative and immoral things. And to go church and listen to them tell you how you should be a living example of christ... sorry. i can't be that. not even close. not by a long shot.
How is it even possible anyway. christ was god, that why he could do it. we're not, unfortunately. Sin is part of our daily lives, whether we want to deny it or not. Thoughts that run through your head, themselves are sins as well. And how is it possible for one to control one's thoughts? Because in denying a thought you are thinking it as well? Nevermind. this isn't the point.
Anyway, yeah thats why i don't really like to profess myself to be catholic. Or rather i dare not. The expectations that come with it are so high. Expectations i know i cannot and never will live up to. I don't want people to think i'm a hypocrite, proudly proclaiming to be christian while behaving rather questionably.

I am not worthy to receive you.

Hmm. lets see.
friday we had pw meeting then went to uni's house to bake brownies. hahaha. her brownies not bad. and i found out that i can crack eggs! hahaha. oh then after tt we played pokemon monopoly. haha. its not fair lah! i WOULD have won had uni and janahan and manya not ganged up on me. hmmpf.
Anyway then yesterdae i watched harry potty again. which i tell you is pathetic. as if once wasn't bad enough.
oh and i bought a white quiksilver belt. which is quite nice. althought cw says its a pussy-white. but i like.

oh i came back frm fishing on monday! it was DAMN FUN!!!!! i caught a mountain of fishes! n we caught a huge fish which is half the size of me!!!
staying in a disgusting kampung really made me realise how lucky everyone in s'pore is! when we actually do take our basic necessities for granted, such as a TOILET! n showers n taps.
fishing's really great! goot time to relax n think back abt everything!! it actualy helps you sort out your thoughts n set goals n such. best of all. you get a nice meal after that! haha every night we ate a lil bit of ALL the fishes we caught! leave on the boat at 8am n come back at 6pm every day. clearly tiring stuff.
i'll c if i can post the pic of my mountain of fishes!

ooh the picture on marn's blog is damn good. haha. its absolutely perfect. i think i'll go gaze at it for a while

Ahhh well. this is probably damn dampener but i've just realised how much i need to catch up on. like the whole of tarling. and assorted bits of international history. sprinkle with abit of silas marner and throw in the whole book of othello as well. i'm finished.

ANYWAYZ. haha i played mahjong at keef's hse yesteryesterday. hahaz. i didn't lose alot! =) haha only 2 dollarz. anyway yeah then i came home at midnight and forgot to get the stuff from sarah low. haha manya's going to kill me. i'm so sorrie! i'll get it from her when her camp ends or smth.

And anyway sometime before that i was studying with hadri and suwee. studying with hadri is unproductive. Very unproductive. haha. he took some book off the shelf and said he was studying for GP. and when i reminded him that gp was last last week, he promptly switched to studying PC. but i digress again. anyway, yeah i talked with suwee briefly abt hypocrisy. If you don't quite like someone, but you continue to hang out with them anyway, for whatever reasons, does that make you a hypocrite? I hope not. haha. everyone has flaws after all. does that mean you can only hang out with perfect pple to not be a hypocrite? anyway sometimes you only find out certain irritating flaws about someone after you spend a certain amount of time and devote a certain amount of energy to forging friendship with them. And while you may not like it, you can't just simply not hang out with him can you? Be it for the sake of the friendship, or even if the flaw makes him a friend not worth having, for the sake of the time spent as well. And its only human to bitch. But then bitching behind someone's back and then hanging around him would make you a hypocrite wouldn't it? Even if you don't bitch, the very harbouring of the thought that he's so irritating in front of him would make you one as well wouldn't it?

Life's so hard to live.

Oh fine it isn't a wedding dress. its a white flowing dress with many many frills.

Anyway yesterday went for rp meeting in the morning. haha. must learn how to project voice. Haiyar... i just can't seem to do it (while everyone else can). its not my fault! i'm usually so soft-spoken =P. After tt went town. watched potty with hadri and smritti and shafia and suwee. potty was quite lousy. and the dementors hardly appeared. hmmpf.
After that waited for clara for 2 hrs. ridiculous lah that woman. i called her at 4 and she was like "oh okay i'm coming down now... about 5?" then at 5 she called me and said "ey ey i'm still at home." hahaha. so i waited with manya for her until about 6 at city hall, then we went for chuin's birthday dinner. haha alv's quite sweet to plan the whole thing for her and addy. though i don't know addy. yeahz anyway the food there's good, though the stuff was expensively eyepopping. Anyway after tt we hung arnd esplanade for a while then i went home with clara. haha where we had a good chat on the bus. the world's such a small place.

don't mind me. i'm not pissed. just sad that i'll never even be able to have what you have anymore. i'm merely human being after all.

Haha as you can see i've let changwen in my blog.
i hope its not a mistake.
(not that i can't correct any of course)

AND VOTE FOR SUWEE'S MOM
haha go her blog to see how.

Anywa today i went laura's house. which is good stuff house. studied lit with yixun and andrea there, had a look at the wedding dress thingie hahaz, then had dinner. which is godly. laura's mom should open a restaurant. her cooking would thrash jack's place upside down lah. haha anyway andrea and laura were reallly hospitable, yeah after tt we watched a beautiful life den went home.
i hope my hair doesn't turn green like ken says. really. the ends are abit now though.

my first time blogging! wtf weird stuff. cheem me out. but anyway...haha silly party we went to...i shudn't haf drank so much. i alwyas drink too much. well relatively speaking aniwae since i din really consume so much as compared to others but for memyselfni ITS A DAMN LOT. i n get drunk so easily. haha shit i wondered if i really did aniting so stupid....but hey its forgivable i'm drunk afterall. stupid tim...should haf thrown him in the sea while i was drunk. its forgivable!hahaha n tt stupid owner....paid 32 buks for more alcohol...clearly unclever.

hehe but wat to do i'm pro i dunt get hangovers. it feels real goot to get all woozy n you sleep SO soundly. n the nxt morn when you wake up. you feel lyk you had a super goot sleep n you're so fresh. haha superb. i luv drinking. though its expensive.

timmy you slut... you went for free hair dye again! n it was so troublesome for her mudder! had to bleach it lyk 3 times over? n wasted so much time!!! haha i hoep its nice...after all it took them lotsa trouble. n wasted...it doesn't really represent any festive season eh?

haha i'll be going deep sea fishing tmr. hehe i'll catch fishes the size of timmy the gay fag. i hoep the sun doesn't cook me alive though... n catch many many fishes back.4 days of fishing in the open seas...pray the weather's goot n no big stormy waves

on to serious stuff! tim complains he tt he has nvr felt luved! poor him! haha complains no gal lyks him n stuff. but really he isn't all gay n pussy la! he's nice n HOT!
but seriously a rship requires lots of commitments n stuff.its nice to be luved but so much trouble involved!!!aniwae tim will prolly go find a gay n settle down wif him in the near future. HAHA

oh hello. i'm back! hehe. hangover-less fortunately.
Well the party din go as planned i guess, but nevertheless i tot i had quite a good time. haha. I was high i suppose so that couldn't be helped. Ah well.
haha people do wierd things when they're kookoo.
Dumdeedum.
Oh and i've dyed my hair. its got yellow and blue streaks. its nice! really! i think
aiyah. nvrmind
i'll edit this later later

hmm. haven't blogged in a long time.
Anyway, recent happenings include: i'm going! haha yay. thx chuin and co. AND KEITH LIM. Keith Lim who is teh King of Kings and he makes the world go round. and whoever else lah.
Also, i went shoppping. first with the b.p. den we bot a shirt... which was quite nice. haha from far east. den we sort of split and i went with hadri and met adfzar and smritti later. Den we went back to try buy the jeans but somehow it was 89. i din have that much cash so we went off to find adfzar a cap for his new hair, den i met cw and chee dey all, then we went bugis to pasar malam. where i bought a jeans and two shirts. yah but i'll probably buy the polo ralph lauren one some other day. broke already. hahaz.
And mel and chuin drew up this list. of things i hafe to do. which could be a leeeetle difficult.

Anyway if i've written stuff about this bear with me.
I think that "the man" is an outdated and piggish stereotype. Indeed, i cannot begin to fathom the reasons why it has been passed down the ages. Because while being "the man" would consist of portraying an macho image, the fact is that this is simply meant to intimidate would be predators. While indeed this would have been useful in primal cave-man times, this image has become somewhat skewed through the ages. Because now, being "the man" consists of being chauvnistic, and is made up of three things: sex booze and drugs. which is quite a sad state of affairs. Whether the booze is exquisite champagne or plain old beer, the drugs, cigars or cigarettes, the fact remains is that this is what "the man" has degenerated to. (or continued to exist as)

So is it really that ideal?

Sometimes i wish i were more eloquent. that i knew what to say to make it better. I should take courses in comforting people.

Anyway, today was nice. niceee. NICEEEE. ahaha sorrie. Went to sch late again, skipped batchelor's lesson so i wouldn't have to face him. I'm terrified of him ever since he yelled at me. Funny how an shrivelled old angmoh can instil such fear in me. Well anyway then i had a little chat with chuin on the corridors before i left for hockey. yeah thx chuin for helping. although actually don't need already. nvrmind i tell you later. haha.
then i watched hockey with cw and firas. girls play hockey is sian/2 lah. so slow paced. haha the only powerful one is the NUMBER 77 aka pauline. wah lau she's damn bao li lah. gdstuff. haha the only interesting moments were when she got the ball. Then the guys hockey was damn good. damn ci ji. and much more interesting. haha too bad dunnoe neone from hockey. hai.
haha and cw was fretting about how to comfort her. understandably. Its difficult. I wouldn't know what to say either, and after a while the brain goes dry of comforting things to say.
Anyway its late. i'll go sleep

ooh. rugby won. haha finally a victory.
tts good. this time they go from the finals happy. gratz ruggers.

Note to self: never eat at whatever chiapanese shitty buffets again. waste munny waste time.
Oh changwen and markeio and chunyat went to dye their hairs today. they cannot go to sch anymore. immediate suspension one. sure. Hahaz changwen looks remotely like a christmas tree, mark eio like lion, and chunyat i'm not quite sure. ahh but they're all quite nice. i like the christmas tree one actually. looks veri punkish. hahahaz.
I also have 1million scents on my hands. I'll never go browsing colognes with changwen again. He sprays all the potentially smelly ones on me. Thankfully not all are REALLY smelly. EXcept for the mamalemon one. which fortunately faded quite fast.

Little rant coming up. Bitching to be exact.

I don't understand. i haven't stepped on your toes, i sure as hell haven't offended you. You have no cause, no semblance of reason to show such hostility to me. Don't think you're cool and all there. You're far from it, you've a long way to go, you and your kiam-pah face. And if its simply because i would serve no benefit to you that you show such disdain towards me, well you need to grow up. Your facade betrays you for the immature and shallow creature that you need to face up to. If you have a problem speak up like the man you would like to portray yourself as. Sulking is as womanish as the very trait you despise about me.

You don't HARVEST me.
What am i. GRAIN?

OH man. did i miss my chinese a level oral exams?
i hope that oral was for cts man. hoho shitshit.

haha oh it was promos. oh well.

~my weakness caused you pain, and this song is my sorry~

I actually wrote a nice dramatic paragrah about how little i apparently mean to yixun, but i've deleted it at his request. Anyway, yixun is helping me in lit, with strings attached. But what the heck. Eching must not win.

I was talking to yihong about manipulation just now. how appropriate. But anyway, it is quite fair to say that everything is manipulation in one form or another. That buying a girl dinner is in fact trying to get her to like you. A form of bribery. OR that it portrays yourself as being able to provide for her and that you are rich.
But i hope not. I'd always thought that buying a girl dinner was simply to make her happy. And that you'd be happy seeing her happy. As simple as that.
Ah well. i guess everything is a sort of manipulation. The expression of emotions itself is a signal for people to comfort you in times of depression or disappointment, or express joy for your success and happiness.
It isn't fair to label such things with the negative connotations that the word "manipulation" has though. we all have a need to share our joys and sorrows.
Oh well.

Speaking of which, my glasses are killing me. I hope its just temporary.

Well. sickly teenage drama queen has found out that everytime is actually played on a harp. And doesn't sound as nice on the piano. rats. maybe if i push the pedal it'll sound like a harp enough.

Its time again for more rantings of a teenage drama queen.

I'm sick. and dying. here i am chair-ridden writing this blog entry so that i can tell everyone that i'm sick and dying. Just thought you should know :).
So anyway i've got a like 38.something fever and permanant nausea. And an undone eching essay. That should be handed up by tmrw. Which i cannot hand up because i won't be there.
I hope uni tells her in time. that i'm sick and unable to give her her stinking assignment. before she complains to perry again and then instigates perry to make me drop lit.
*grrr*

ladida. went for un talk today. un talk damn sian. damn damn sian.
I was sniffling throughout the whole thing. I think that place is dust-laden. Oh and chee can draw quite well. haha during the talk he drew a picture of the place. QUite nice. must remember to scan it in for him. haha puss me chuin and mel were passing notes throughout the whole thing... haha quite funny.
After tt we went to chuin's house to chill. where we watched how to lose a guy in 10 days. The only nice dress is the last yellow one lah! the rest look like pyjamas. hmmpf. Den we watched cruel intentions. which is damn kewl. There's manipulation going on from every angle in that film man. intriguing stuff.
oh yah chuin is damn hospitable. haha she bot pizza and stuff for us and din make us pay at all. chuin rocks~
Speaking of which. i tink i'll try and learn how to play everytime. It'll probably sound better without britney singing it. =P

There was even more to the eching saga today. This may never truly end. She may actually succeed in spoiling every day of my life with a reprimand from a different lit teacher each day.
Perhaps i should talk to her and tell her she's being really unprofessional by telling all the lit teachers i have no interest in the subject. Which, my dear -eheh-, is far from the truth. You sneaky bitch. If she has a problem she should come and settle it with me first before ratting to all the teachers.

Anyway, eching aside, Hadri chongs yeemeng and janahan got in faction! haha yay. the poem worked for hadri. hahahaha. ANyway congratz to all who got in. And those who didn't, don't take it too hard lah. There'll be plenty of other opportunities. yeahz.

Today i watched shrek 2 with uni and hadri... haha i ponned chinese to go watch it. Was nice and funny, lots of parodies of other things. Sushi and Sashimi were inside. And puss was damn cute! hahaha. Quite hillarious although i didn't get what they were refering to sometimes. Anyway, then we went to buy straws so that uni could torture her fingers by folding manymany stars with them. The things love makes you do. Yeah so we went to meet puss chuin and mel at lido and fold stars, haha then uni tried to teach us. haha puss is damn funny, his star kept falling apart. haha uni tried to teach him 5 times but it still fell apart. hahahaha. After tt i tried calling chee and cw but they din pickup. Probably were at the club doing gym or smth.

I have given up. There is more to the eching saga, but to elaborate is useless. The very typing of these words is too great an effort for vermin like her.

E-ching is a bitch!
Wah lau. I go for lit lecture finally in god knows how many million years, and that retarded woman HAS to be lecturing. (i know she usually lectures for othello anyway, but still) So since i couldn't stand that utterly irritating voice of hers i went on to talk to chee and fan. At which we promptly got yelled at by batchelor from behind. hmmpf. well fair enough grumpy old man. You were just probably as irritated as us over e-ching's voice and wanted to let off some steam. We'll forgive you.
So at which we decided to shutup and listen to her, which proved to be an exercise in futility, since the constant -eh-eh- were quite a distraction. Albeit the stuff on the transparency was quite interesting. So anyway,at the end of the lecture, that bitch came up to me and went "timothy! where are you notes-eh". NARBEH! so anyway i told her no notes taken down. then she asked "can you all recite the lecture to me-eh?" HELL NO! why on earth would you want me to repeat a bloody lecture that YOU gave with all the -eh-eh-s peppered in between? holy shit!
So anyway, e-ching-eh happens to be my teacher as well. we lost perry for her. I mean how huge a disparity is that? So ANYWAY, that bitch comes and tells me that i haven't handed up her great expectations assignment. Fair enough. it slipped my mind. So she said that if i don't hand it up to her i'll have to see mrs perry about dropping lit. WTF?! Bitch there's NO-WAY you are going to make me drop lit. ever. Hell she was talking about my attitude and stuff?! Ey for god's sake i actually like lit lah! I do her ridiculously mundane pieces of homework most of the time, i passed up the grandmother thing and her stupid olaf poem with all the swear words that she loves to say embarassedly. (is there such a word?) And i put effort in them, i don't hand it up for the sake of handing it up, as in i actually like doing it. torturous as the choice of poem may be. If she thinks she can make me drop lit cos I didn't hand up her great expectations, well FAT HOPE YOUNG LADY. I'll DO your stinking greatexpectations assignment. If only not to piss perry off. Don't think i'm doing it for you.

Anyway, i went for rp auditions today. haha. oops. they said i wasn't loud enough. but hadri said i was in? which is good. maybe i'll just work on projecting my voice and stuff. I always thought they had mikes, thats why their voices were so loud. haha oops. guess i thought wrong. Then after that i went wif smritti thea hadri shafia and suwee to macs. den we talked about hadri. haha. THE EMBITTERED ONE.

urgh life is not going well. i think i'll go do my inthist

Hmmpf. Mel is ungrateful. Here i am at 12 mn helping her think up of stuff to put in her speech, and there she is calling me a retard on the tagboard. hmmpf
Ingrates aside, i sort of regret not applying for faction. It was my last chance to actually try for some sort of position.
Well tough luck.
And yihong's trying to propose a business extension of changwen's. Which is so going to flop. Its hardly even air-tight. Because its difficult to sell it for that high when people can just go to the pasarmalam and buy. While it IS real shirts from whatever place, people don't always know that. And given the way we're selling it, they have every reason not to believe us. ITs always risky to resell another's brand name anyway. Changwen almost had a hellofatime trying to sell those 20 shirts already.
Whatever lah. We'll see how it goes.
I love savage garden too. I want affirmation. And their self-titled album. Which isn't easy to find nowadays. -sigh-
Oh yeah. Gp was wonderfully amusing today. Veluri was extremely animated today, she kept acting and telling funny jokes and insulting in that utterly hilarious tone of hers. What a refreshing change from her boring moronic insults. I actually managed to stay awake. on a double gp period. without toilet breaks. accomplishment sia.

hmm. i've gotten a guestbook. Yeah i'm not really happy with the color scheme i guess. but heck care. Any suggestions on it sign in the guestbook! haha. or you could tag if you really can't stand the colours i suppose.
umm anonymous: i can't answer that question so i'll just ignore it like you say.
And why's my tagboard turned into a culimination of deaththreats?!

Yay. Just finished keith's stuff. Now keef owes me free lunch. goodie.
Haha my muscles are painful. my arm cannot bend. i'm tired and sleepy and aching. Maybe gym isn't for me.
Speaking of which my mother declined to pay for me. She went bonkers when she found out tt it was 138 a month and not 138 one shot. haha -oops-. After that she went on into a tiresome tirade about how money doesn't grow on trees and my father's retiring soon.
Oh well. guess i won't be able to hang out wif chee and cw and mk and bobo at the club.
Speaking of which, if thats REALLY chee, which i don't think it is, he's probably being pms-y. Chee is normally nice. He's not bitchy or pettyetty like that person on the tagboard. But if it is him he's probably just having a bad day. Because chee is nice. haha. USUALLY. And chee turning gay is not slander! hehehe. You wrote it yourself lah!
Anyway, to whoever anonymous is... Yeah she's probably not worth the misery that she's causing... but then again that's my fault and not hers isn't it? I was the one who chose to get all miserable over her. And i guess i'm trying to get over tt.

Mel told chongs!
hoohoo shit. that can't be good.
Besides, this is the 100th post... so i'll write about this blog. Which has seen me through a few months coming to a year. Quite interesting actually. And to think i used to think the concept of "online diary" was a horrible oxymoron.
But surprisingly blogger has served me well. haha noone seemed to find this place until eons later when i told a few people. And even now it remains a pretty private and safe sanctuary. For me to whine and for you to find out what I really think.
Oh well. And in doing my links i've realised that so little of my friends blog. ah. pity.
But i guess life's just like that.

hoohoo. mel is pissed again
i have a knackof pissing her off. Its highly amusing
This time cos we were talking about faction... then i was telling her that she'll most probably get in if she gets past interview, then she and chongs can go form like a duo team and garner votes. Den she complained smth about how every guy will go up to chong and ask "can i give you all my votes?" haha. then we moved on to the speech. Then i said yah that could be a problem. imagine you going up there and speaking all airheadedly "hi everyonneeee.... i'm meellll~" hahahaz. and she got fedup. hehez.
Oh then after that there was the birthday thing. hahaha.
i hope she doesn' tell chongs. *grumble*

SHANE KUA GOT IN HUMANS?!
ifeelveritoolaned. holyshitlah! SLAP THAT BITCH IN TJ.
anyway, mel's pissed with me again i tinks. haha cos i said yuping owns her. hehez.
but its true wad! hrmmpf.
well today sucked. apparently everyone has ditched me like i predicted. Changwen and chee went to their "exclusive!!!" club, leaving poor old me in school. And i thought i had a reprieve when i saw fan and niggerling, but noooo, fan is "BUSY" fetching SOMEONE home and niggerling is "going home" at 1:10. mmmhmmm. So i hung around in school like some ridiculous dumbass talking to uni and brandon and max until they went for their trainings. den i went to talk to xf and keith who also went for training. haha keith now blames me for chee's gayification. it is NOT my fault lah! i didn't go buy perfume with chee, i didn't gay around with him for 3 days, and i DEFINITELY DID NOT ask him to sign up for the gym membership. hahaz. den i talked to zx. and bitched about the tj principal who is utterly retarded and pathetically jealous of rjc it seems. Clearly she doesn't seem to understand that US STUDENTS should not be caught up in whatever political wars and agenda she has between her school and ours. bitchybitch. Den apparently i cannot run for faction either! because i din come to sch last week and its too late to get my name down. aiyah my life is rotting away. haiyar. i hafe no one to hangout with! hahaz.

Speaking of which, i have never been more put off by gyms since i went into cali fitness with theyall today. I am utterly shocked and disgusted. Its not so much the musty smell of sweat that lingers in the air, or the oppressive crowds. Rather it was the line of treadmills with mindless people running on them. God, the image reminds me of some evil experiment where they get hamsters to run on treadmills to power whateveritis. everyone's doing everything in synchronization, its like a bloody factory! And with the hypnotic techno music (LOUSY TECHNO MUSIC AT THAT) booming in the background, you'd almost have thought it was brainwash-to-conformity central.

Ooh. Chee is turning gay. Haha he paid manymanydollars to join gym club with bobo. And cw mite be joining wif mk lah. Aiyah i feel left out. hahaz. but i don't realli want to join lah anyway. the club's really nice though. and posh. It's quite a cool place to hang out i guess... but forking out that much $$ just for a place to hang out's abit too much in my opinion. Not like i'm seriously interested in doing the gym after all. And i don't want to eat meepok for the rest of my life like cw. hehez.
Today sucked. I didn't get humans. SHIT LAH! i didn't get humans! Well first before i start complaining and bitching, congratz to all those who got in. good for you, moe recognized your talent. Now for the rant.
What the heck is wrong with moe! they're absolutely retarded. I mean when i first got rejection letter i was like... okay.. maybe they're looking for people with more calibre and better capabilities then me. Which is alright lah if the people who gotin were better / didn't get in were worse. But holy shit! zhong xing didn't get in! holy fuck lah! he's like the last person i thought wouldn't get in. Amber prize! Then people like the 11a1 girl din get in, and i was totally convinced that something is wrong with moe. Either that blind bat who interviewed me and decided to make my bloody life so difficult by telling me that great poets are depressed and manical and don't really better empathise and understand people as i said was having pms today, or moe's really blind to talent. Speaking of which, alot of the people interviewed by the tj principal were fucked. I don't mean me when i'm talking about talent. Although now I really think that perhaps i had deserved more of a chance at the scholarship. Actually I mean people like zhong and zhi an. And alot of the others who definitely deserved the scholarship.
And horrors of horrors, they're kicking people out?! I don't tink that's been done before, but its utterly ridiculous. On what criteria do you kick people out then?! Its totally silly and unfair to those who've been doing all the different subjects for 5 mths (speaking of which, the long 5 months is AGAIN moe's fault for being so sluggish), and to expect them to restart again. With lousier teachers. And perhaps a whole new class. Its not good, not fair, not healthy. In fact its absolutely inhumane. Partly because humans people only thrive in their intellectual and discussive environment. And partly cos its bloody evil.
And worst of all, now i have no option to push my reset button. I was hoping that perhaps that the retards up there would gimme the scholarship so that i could change syllabus and play ignorant and stupid all over again. Now i don't have that option. i HAVE to catch up on SEA history and Othello. I CANNOT continue to think "oh well i might change class yu noe" anymore. HOW TO PROCRASTINATE NOW?
Not that i'd have changed class actually. Actually i might have. I love the class, its really nice, but the teachers... well certain teachers lah. Incompetent-ehehe. Utterly incompetent-ehehe. And of course itwould have been entertaining to come under purvis. Who's apparently utterly funny.
Actually that can be remedied. Work hard and do S Lit. ooh. hmmm. But i'll still be stuck with -eheh-. toopeed e-ching-ah.
And i always thought that i was just going to be temporary in ao1d. that i'd be sad to go to humans. Well tim, apparently you were wrong. You won't have to make a soppy farewell speech anymore.
Shit you fan and chee. you should have transferred to my class lah! idiots. i told you its possible that i wouldn't get in. Not that i wanted that possibility to become reality of course.
urrgh. feeling all pekcheked. i feel cheated. i placed quite abit of hopes on this. to have it all dashed to pieces is quite pathetic. Irritating actually. Very irritating. May sound pompous and presumptuous of me, but i feel i deserved it. maybe to be the lower-rung of the humans scholars perhaps, i can't say that i'm on equal terms with people like yixun and jonyap definitely, but i still think i deserved it. I think i have the kind of mind and academic capability. Maybe i'm abit lazy, but that always can be remedied. urgh. die you bastards. rot in your lavish tax-paid offices at buona vista while you deprive deserving young people of the recognition they deserve.
Hmm. perhaps i'm quite a sore loser sometimes. Just that i've never really failed academically when i put my mind to it. Its a first for me. And i'm not happy that the first scholarship i've ever applied for has rejected me in the face.

Getting attached is the last frontier left in the search for love. If it isn't there, then where is it?

I've got a sudden pang of loneliness again.
Don't know where it came from. Came back from ORA and then town and just suddenly felt all alone in the world. I suppose part of this might stem from -uknowwhat- yeah.
But maybe its just cos i still don't have anyone. I need a close friend. As in really close. Maybe abit like bud and ben, someone whom i can talk about life and other things till the cows come home and not feel one bit awkward.
No one has time for that now. We're too caught up in life, schoolwork, lectures, girlfriends. There's no time to idle around and talk now. No time to just stare up at the sky and ask silly questions.
No time. Its quite sad really.
Life's so tiring now. I just feel so superficial sometimes, and i guess that's partly cos of the general culture. When the only things to talk about are whether she looks good or he's going out with her, its only inevitable.
No wonder people want to get attatched. So that they have someone to call up when they feel like i do.
I feel cheap and hollow again. For all thats worth I don't mean much.

~You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight~

where did my last post go?
hmmm... and anyway, i'm screwed up lah. i took my september holiday in advance this week.

If growing up means finding less things to be happy about, I'd rather stay a child.
I'm still sick.
and coughing.
and dying.
If i ended up in hospital would you visit?
Its funny isn't it. I think part of suicidal thoughts stem from the pity that a person hopes to acheive after his death.

I miss ri.
I miss mornings where we gather in class and do stupid stuff. I miss the mornings where everyone's busy copying homework that hasn't been done. Where we had proper tables and our own classroom.
I miss the closeness of my class. Funny i never noticed it until i plopped into rj, but yeah i miss it. I miss sitting next to szekiat and changwen. And getting moved around all the time cos i kept talking to people.
I miss tancheewan. and two. and rosie albeit her weirdness. and paul. and bek. and ermin. and lam.
I miss ranting and bitching about leongcheehoong. I miss terrible cucumber and lolex.
I miss the phelgm-green chairs that fan threw at changwen
I miss the immense amount of time we once had. Such that there was time to be everyone's friend.
I miss gep. the everyone-in-gep-knows-everyone feeling.
I miss ri.
-sigh-

Yay. We made clinton happy today. haha me and uni went to buy a cake and muffin from mrs fields then we stuck a candle in the muffin and brought it to clinton in lido. hahaz yay. den we watched 50 first dates with uni janahan tiffany mel chuin puss joel marns. yeah. i fell asleep =P.
Anyway, i'm still sick. from that day. i don't know whats wrong with me. maybe i'm falling apart.
school sucks. work sucks. life now sucks too.

oh yay. Finally the whole ting's over. Yeah relax lah. i know not to hope for more though. but at least its better now.
Anyway i tink i'll write a poem soon. yah. soon soon. so if yixun ever reads it he can laugh at it.

hmmm
She's still someone's daughter. That's a really thought-provoking way of putting it. I never thought of it that way. That no one action is really limited to one person.
Clinton's such a gentleman.

I don't want to do my history essay. I'm finding 408707 excuses and things to do besides my history essay. Like blogging.
Funny. I'm numb. I suppose i crashed already yester yesterday. Now i'm just fizzled. Dead men don't feel. I thought i'd feel sadder after not getting a reply, but somehow i sortof expected it i guess. I know better than to hope for anything reasonable now.
But you're not like that. Really i didn't think so. If you are its a misjudgement of character on my part, but i don't think it is. I suppose you're trying not to lead me on. But still there isn't a need to be this cold and dispassionate. This is below friends. Its nearly like acquaintance.
You don't need to do this. I know there's nothing there already. And its already hit me squarely in the face.

We still can be friends can't we?

can't we?

I don't know. I don't want to talk about it either.
I nearly cried. nearly. That scared me. I've never really nearly cried from anything other than pain, and today i nearly did. Its just that everything came flooding in suddenly. The thought of losing her. That I mean so little. That she's never going to recognize my flower from the others anyway. And that she didn't want to talk. It just hurt so much. Knowing the huge disparity between how much i meant to her and how much she meant to me.
And i knew. There really never was anything there. At all. It just came crashing down on me. Optimism wasn't enough to keep me afloat anymore, i couldn't just tell myself to try and see what happens. That maybe it'll all work out against the odds. That maybe it'd change. That maybe one day something good would happen.
I mean why. Its always like this when it comes to this kind of stuff. Hopeless. Pointless. Its even worse than before.
I'm still hoping she'll msg. Say smth nice. lift me out from this pit of depression. But even if she did, it wouldn't mean anything. A mere reflex action after reading. It wouldn't be anything else. It couldn't. There's nothing there.
nothing at all.
I probably brought it on myself i guess. I should have known. They warned me. All of you. I guess a part of me did just want to prove you all wrong at first. To show you all that it COULD happen. But then it became more than that.
Much more. Sometimes you can't explain these things. They just happen, something clicks in your mind, and suddenly someone means alot to you.
You don't like someone because of something. You do something because you like someone. I guess i'm not making sense here. And then again when did any of this make sense?
but like yixun said. Just because it wasn't possible doesn't mean you don't try. I guess i'm glad in a sense. that i did. I may have fallen flat on my face, but at least i tried. I know now. Its in trying, that you go through more. Its alot easier to just giveup and moveon before stuff develops. Before you're hopelessly entangled.
I'll just pickup the pieces now. I'll get better i know. I always do. And when I do I'll look back on this and maybe laugh. Laugh knowing that I tried and gave it a shot. Laugh knowing that i'd never felt more alive or happy while trying.
Laugh knowing that there are no regrets.

on a side note. its nice to noe i've got friends who care. ESPECIALLY the unlikely ones.

I'm irritated. Blogger ate my post again
*CHOMP*
Anyway, i'm sick. coughing up PORCUPINES man. bloody painful. i'm sick and wheezing. I hope i'm better tmrw.
And i hope all goes well tmrw. umm. yah hope all goes well for the dancers.
and all goes well for me.
and yixun's fuglywugly! teehee.
fuglywugly

hmm. whywhywhy.
Anyway, i went for interview today. I don't think i did well. just average. They probably tried to challenge me with a tough question and i flopped flat on my face. so tata. And i was a little distracted.
whywhywhy. You didn't do it on purpose i hope. But of all the times?
So i went back wif hadri and yonghui. i went for econs lecture. and i went out.
I didn't deserve that. Why? Don't you know? Isn't that a little too much?
Anyway. whatever.
i'm not good for blogging now. i need to GET A LIFE.
hmmm?

~fly you to the moon and back~

Dumdeedumz. I talked to mel koh today. and found out alot. well screw enrique! hmmpf.
Anywayz, my day was lousyousy today. I'm just in a bad mood these days so ignore me if i'm snappy or bitchy.
well side note, miss yeo saw me scribbling "SIAN 1/2" on her worksheet today. haha oops. ANd i'm still screwed for not doing my essayses. Urgh. Writing essays suck. Big time. Especially history, where second intakers are utterly lost and cheng tju seems to forget that we exist. Mutterz.
and mel's contacts fell out on the escalator yester yesterday and got scrunched up. *SCRUNCH*
And yihong's $109 belt is too small for him. And everyone's saying its fugly. WELL, i thought the BUCKLE was nice. TOO BAD
And cheng tju is funny. haha ahbeng-funny funny. He offered me tissue when i came back late from break, cos my mouth damn oily, then when i tried to take it he snatched it away. hahaz.
and fan wrote some stuff on the lt table which is not good. fan should die. i hate lee wei fan.

There's so much i wanted to do for you. Yes you. You there, in the heavens amongst the stars. I could have whisked you away from the night, fly you to the moon and back, brought you to white sands where the world is ours. Where candles burn in the night, spelling out our names, and are never blown out by the harsh winds of time. Where roses bloom all year round, and the night belongs to us. No one but us.
But its not possible.
And so i'll be content with making you feel loved. Without obligation, unreciprocated. Because you pay me back when you smile. Because your happiness is what counts. At least you'd fall in love with my love for you.

OH well. manymany tings happened since i last blogged.
umm. i went to watch passion of christ wif benjaman. its sad. but its powerful. I don't know, but the part where he told mary to look as he started everything anew really struck me. I din cry. HAH. well maybe that's not a good thing, it could mean my heart's been hardened. But really the movie's good. its powerful and evocative, even if you're not a christian. The way jesus could forgive after all that he went through was truly majestic. The show's a powerful reminder of the fact that he sacrificed himself for our lives. I suppose that's gore being used in a good way. You won't feel the strong sense of pain and horror just by reading the bible, and as such be unable to understand how much he went through for us.
And i think those who become anti-semitic after the show don't really get it. Part of the show's supposed to show the extent and horror of human cruelty. Killing the next jew you see makes you as bad as them.

And anyway, i think emotions stem from questions. you feel something because you ask a question, and this unsaid question is what really evokes emotions. or maybe the unsaid question are a result of the emotions. I don't know. Well there's definitely an unsaid question with every emotion. except maybe happy emotions.

*crash*

No more. I'm declaring war on veluri. She has it coming man.
There's so many people i want to get to know. And so many barriers that prevent me from doing so. Either cos i don't have any middleman between me and that person to intro us, or i'm terrified of that person even though he's realli quite nice. Hahaz.
Urgh no point.
I'll go plan my battle strategy against veluri.
Actually its quite pointless. Because... veluri isn't worth my time. She should just stick with her indian choreographing and leave teaching to people who can actually teach.

oh oh forgot. haha today me chee and changwen minsheng chunyat and dunnoe who else went past GNC, den chee said 'ey! tts the one wif the testosterone booster'. yah that stupid thingie that chee wanted to buy for me. So they went in and went to ask about it lah... and i was so fucking paiseh. hahaz. so i hung around outside the shop... den they took quite long so i went back in. Then they were asking the salesperson abt the thingie, den cw asked if there were any side effects. "potentially, yes." Haha i'll never forget that. "potentially, yes." Anyway, the thingie can cause pre-mature balding, and most horrifyingly, TESTICULAR SHRINKAGE. HOLY SHIT! hahaz and to think chee was considering just buying it for me so that i would try it. haha we all burst out laughing when he said testicular shrinkage, and the guy was quite serious abt it all so i think he wasn't joking either. hahaz damn scaree. And to think the only thing i was concerned about was the getting hard every half an hour side effect that keith lim told me. hahahaz.
(not that i was planning to get it of course. haha sheesh. but if chee bought it for me i wouldn't mind =) Now not anymore though)

~Can you stop that time for me and my lover, make this summer forever~

EEKZ!
haha nvrmind. RT square. hahaz. Anyway i'm way over it. =P
I'm listening to "Stop that time". Its a lousy dance song according to you all. But i'm happy.
i'm happy today. hahaz. no reason dears. just happy. elated. i'm high~
Anyway, i went down to bibibaba to buy my uniform today. and the stupid auntie decided to shoo me away cos she was closing. And they didn't have the shirt. What the heck?! why on earth do yu sell PANTS and not SHIRTS? maybe if yu sold both people'd actually BUY from yu?
But anyway, even that didn't dampen me. I'm happy with life now. I'm easily sated, i suppose.
Its nice. This feeling again. I haven't felt it in two years, but its really nice. Only a fool would give up this for pride. And i suppose its worth the plunge that comes later. I'll enjoy the ride for now, even if its just momentary.
Its not the end. Its the journey.
I might not have it. But i'm happy with what i can get.

=)

I've been debating with yixun. Silly me. What was i thinking?
Anyway, yixun fervently insists that i'm like Willy in Death of a Salesman. I don't deny the resemblance of me and Willy. Its quite uncanny the way we think. But i still think that perhaps i'm not as pathetic as Willy's portrayed to be. I'm just not. Could be stubborn self-denial, but really i don't think i am. Perhaps reccently only. Because in all honesty, Willy is way more self-delusional than me. I don't think he sees the truth, that people don't quite like him. I don't think he sees that people pity him, and that they don't accept him. I think i can. I know who i'm accepted by and who i'm not. And so while our goals may be similar (i insist that getting well liked ISN'T my only goal. Just give me a little time to think of others), the difference in the end is that Willy is torn, he comes to the realisation that in actuality noone quite likes him the way he believes. That no one will really be at his funeral. Whereas I. I don't delude myself. I know i can't possibly be accepted by everybody, and I choose not to change to try and be accepted.

Anyway, another random thought that went through my mind last night was that sometimes being sucessful and accomplished isn't all that great. This may sound sourgrapish but I guess its a remmanant idea leftover from the days when i was a pious christian. The meek shall inherit the earth. The bible says that, and frankly while i don't think they'll inherit the earth, they won't have to bear the burden of holding up the sky. Success and power gets to people's heads. It induces pride, complacency, and the feeling that one is superior over others. Few can resist truly. Success and power is used as a raft to keep egos afloat. They let it get to their heads, they spend more time boasting about their deeds then actually perfecting the skill. And lastly, with such success, they are the targets of envy and jealousy. The meek on the other hand are safe. They escape the snare of those two deadly sins. And also, as they are meek, they are humble. Having naught to flaunt, they get away with mistakes, and are perhaps more hardworking in knowing that they have a long way to go. If they are able to do so without inheriting an inferiority complex, then they will indeed inherit the earth in the future. Although that could become a vicious cycle, because then that person would become successful.

And lastly. Haha me chee and fan saw two old men trying to fight on the mrt the other day. I thought it was really silly and childish actually, and i just kindof turned away. Its stupid. Their so old already. You'd think age would have instilled some sense in them. Apparently one of the old men accidently elbowed the other, and the other made a huge fuss over it and called the other a "sonofabitch", upon which the other promptly replied "fuck you!". And the really ridiculous thing was that the former after that got angry because the other used "vulgarities", "the f-word". Its hilarious. That guy has issues man. What part of "son of a bitch" isn't vulgar? Oh wait. Might be the "bitch" part.
Anyway, these bunch of malay guys went to pull them away from each other, one of them was really nice. He told the "fuck you" old man to just let it go, to "buay hiao gin". Yes he used dialect. I was impressed, at the effort by the malay to communicate with the old man (you know, the old lao ahpek kind) in his own dialect. Its really clever too, because the old man seemed to calm down alot after that, probably because he too was abit taken aback. The "sonofabitch" old man on the other hand just irritated the hell out of everyone in the train, because he was whining like a little baby about how the other used vulgarities against him, and then procceded to make a fool of himself by using racial slurs. Pathetic really. Probably a manifestation of a mid-life crisis.
Anyway, out of the train, chee said that "mats were powerful". Haha i agree with him. (mat here isn't really trying to be derogatory, its just a identification tool). If it was chinese or anyone else we'd probably just sit there and watch until it got ugly before someone stepped in. The malays that handled the situation were really diplomatic, they really knew how to manage people. Although it was quite amusing that the malay later said he felt damn "qi gek" after the "sonofabitch" one left.
What a long post.

I'm feeling shitty now... *yawn*
I don't see why techno sux. Sure, its got a short shelf life (i.e. abt 2 times and yu'll be sick of it), but for the moment it does provide a quick fix of euphoria.
Oh well. yihong asked me, like 3205897603865 other people, to contemplate going to the gym. I tink abt it from time to time, but the problem is that... besides how hilarious it culd be, personally i've got a stigma against it.
Hilarious because of the obvious. me + pumping iron = comedy disaster. Okay not as if people are so free to go laugh at me, but i'd feel wierd myself. because i don't see myself doing sucha thing... hell, I'D find myself funny. Ahh. but i want to get abit bigger. not too big, but abit bigger'd be nice. My personal stigma's that i don't really have a good reason to go pump iron. I don't have a sports cca, hell i don't even have a cca. So what for? Nothing to motivate me, other than to get abit bigger, which i see as vain. I'm not a vainpot! hahaX.
Although isn't it time i did something for myself?

happi b'dae chee! haha i nvr really paid attn to b'daes in sec school. Isn't it nice that i do now in JC?
Maybe i should open this blog up. haha get yixun to link me!
Just a random thought. Silly thought at that. This place's too personal for such things.

Anyway today stinks. I am the most suay-ified of suay-ified todae. To kick things off, i woke up late, culdn't drag myself out of bed to face the 5:10 day. When i finally mustered enough courage to do so, it was 8:30. So i came to school ridiculously late, and went to see miss yeo to tell her i was arnd. Den cos i was so shaggified i stoned in the canteen for a while, went for history lecture, and den decided to stone in the canteen wif fan and chee instead of fucking arnd in chinese. Seeing that Maths lecture proceeded after chinese, i was imagining myself having a good 5 period break stoning arnd and tokking rubbish to the people who make me drag myself to school.
Unfortunately, due to a certain mishap, my chinese teacher realised i wasn't here, and by the strange forces of fate happened to bump into miss yeo as well! Thus, she procceded to go tell miss yeo abt how i nvr showed up, and since miss yeo knows i'm already in school, confirms that i'm indeed ponning and not absent from sch. So miss yeo, in fullfilment of her duties as a white-slip dispenser (read: CT), decided to totter down to the maths lecture that i was COINCIDENTALLY ponning at the same time! what culd be worse than that!
Anyway, so while i was happily chatting wif chee fan and blah blah god knows who, suddenly uni msgs me saying "ur dead miss yeo just came to look for yu". Today being 1st april, i tot it was a joke... so i said "haha oh shit. realli meh? haha april's fool ah?" then she was like "YOU IDIOT I'M NOT APRIL'S FOOLING YU!" haha den i knew i was screwed... cos right after i got tt msg miss yeo msged me saeing "TIM COME SEE MISS YEO IN THE STAFFROOM NOW." GG X SIR.
So i walked up the stairs at the concourse, preparing myself to look contrite and sorry and promise not to do such a thing ever again, and went up to get scolded. Miss yeo was quite nice abt it lah (only salvaging factor in this whole sordid affair), she din realli like put me down or nething, just said she was disappointed in me. haha and that always gets to me worse den a actual forceful scolding. So i got two white slips, one from chinese one from mats, and den tottered in to maths lecture wif mrs kong going "TIMOTHY WHERE WERE YOU ARHHHHHH?" when i walked in. hahaha. so paiseh.
And you'd think that was the end of it. How profoundly wrong you are.
Well after the maths lecture i come out and sit wif yixun and ec. and ec was being EXTREMELY irritating, i don't know whether it was his b'dae or not, but he spent the whole time pointing out the obvious. AS IF I WAS FUCKING BLIND? some things aren't meant to be, don't make it any harder then it already is for me to accept. So being in the horrid mood i was i just stormed off and went over to yihong's table, where yihong promptly procceded to discuss how he looks like chonglin. WHICH also irritated me to no bounds, so i just slammed my feet up to the third floor to sit down and cool off.
I'm not finished yet.
So after the horrid break, i tottered off to econs thinking the worst wuld be over, that i'd be happy in my class where the worst i'd probably get was david goh calling me "ahkwa" again. Honestly i don't mind it anymore, haha its sad but its become sort of a way to identify me in the class. And i don't think they mean it in malice either. But anyway, geoffry got his lenses cocked up, and he looked like he was damn pain. And i didn't know what to say cos i was scared that i'd sound like the "FUCKING FAGGOT" he described to fan. Anyway, miss yeo told me that vp somehow took note of my name when signing the 20498750283745092384 million whiteslips he has to sign every day, and wanted me to go see him. HOLY FUCK! Stephane is a bitch lah! That fucking bastard's a total asshole, i don't even want to imagine what he'd do to me in his office. Fucking asshole. He thinks the whole school owes him a living and so gives him the right to put down and be a total bastard.
Anyway, so i went down to the stupid general office to see the vice-principal-with-a-fucking-girl's-name, and guess what? HE'S having meeting! fucking retard. meeting to decide what? Discussing how to become a bastardier bastard? Shit him! Anyway, i went back to miss yeo's class and told her vp wasn't arnd, and after econs went to see vp again. and guess what? the fucking vp is out! with is fucking boyfriend i suppose. He and his lover were probably making out in the makeout corner on the 3rd floor of rjc, while his secretary conveniently tells me he's "OUT". So after another total waste of time, i went back for maths, where i spent the time laughing and david goh fight wif miss koh. david goh's fucking funny. hahaz.
So after tt, we went for pe, and then octega wasn't arnd, hence LOH took us. I ran an extra round for no reason other than utter stupidity and moronism.
Speaking of morons, Mrs Velori hates me. She tinks i'm a fucking moron. Well too bad for her. She can go rot in the staffroom with her boring lessons and undeserved tuesday-short-days. "I HAVE NO TOLERENCE FOR MORONS~~". Go screw yourself.
And so the day ended wif me going to macs to study wif max and bapok and jeanette and jiawen and mark chen and leslie and aiyah forgot liao. I tink jiawen's irritated wif me. haha i dunch noe whye. Maybe it was just a badmood day.
Oh bapok's another damn funny person. hahaha yu shld see the way he falls when jeanette trips him... its kodak moment sia. hahahaz.
Anyway i felt abit extra dere, cos yah i wasn't realli in their class, but nvrmind lah. i wanted to catchup wif max but yeahz. busy. Then slowly they left... and i ended up going home myself cos jeanette forewarned me that going home wif firas is a bad idea cos firas is in a bad mood.
I should finish my lit essay. Haha mark chen said my PC's good! YAY! someone complimented me on my lit for once. Comes out of hanging around yixun too much.
-phew- that was a long entry. well screw april fool day. i bet its cos its ec's b'dae tts why. EC must hafe had the time of his life showing that LOSAR sign. In fact he probably flashed it more times at me today then any other day. WELL THERE'S YOUR PRESENT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EC.
okay lah i don't mean that resentfully. Really, happy birthday ec, may yu hafe luck riding the horsey and not get trampled all over by its horsey hooves.
-yawnZ-

i want to curl up. into a little ball. huddle myself up. and cry. Not so much out of sorrow. Because i then want you to come from behind and embrace me in your arms. i want to feel your cheek on mine, as you whisper words of comfort in my ear. i want to turn my head and see in your eyes genuine concern and agony. My agony. I'd bury my head in your shoulders, and you'd rock me gently, kiss me and taste the salty tang of my tears. Taste my pain. You'd tell me everything's all right
And it would be. Because you were there.
Let me find you quickly before the darkness engulfs me.
Let me find you quickly.

And so it ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
ooh read yixun's poem. Its quite interesting. But depressing. Is sorrow so beautiful...so writeable abt? I guess so. We tend to romanticize our sufferings.
I wish poems were happy for once. A conflicting issue where the concluding outcome is happy. But they're never. They're always either shocking, something really deep and serious, and more often then not depressing. Induces rush of sad-hormones. haha why can't poems be the opposite, and induce rush of happy-hormones (endorphins! =P)!
Maybe cos happiness is trivial, fleeting. Not much to write about there. Its a simple emotion. Sorrow has a million facets, happiness one. Happy situations are for the moment, sad situations for going home and moping.
Anyway enuff crapping abt that.

Yay~. uni bot takopachi from taka for me. haha yay! thankyew uni!
anywayz, the previous post was rudely interupted by my parents before i culd explain. Its basically me letting my thoughts flow and then picking them out and putting them down as they come. It'll be interesting if i can remember it later.
Anyway, haha today was an okay day. Amazingly i din fall asleep, so i culd pay attn for once. In god knows how long.
Its yihong's b'dae todae oso! haha we forgot to buy smth for him though... -oops-
And its ec's b'dae soon. maybe i'll ask yixun to get smth wif me.

I'm going to try smth. Haha this won't make coherent sense.

I'm up again. not sleeping. wats wrong wif me? Bored to tears too. 5thplace. How could he? Wilful pleasure of rejection. Sensation of power. Game of emotions. Me too? They too? Us all? Deep dark desire, playful denial of one so dependant.
GODDAMNED IRRITATING. shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
Not liked. Hated. whY? effeminate to repulsion, tattling in disgust. lie covering lie, deceit to language
Guilt. Superficial guilt. Emotional drain. base and mindless, life turned to newspaper.
Concern. Debut depression. punch me. Girls. they fuck us all up.
Theatre actor, standup comedian, live entertainer. We remember the jokes, not the faces. Long gone, will you remember? Be at my grave, lay down flowers. remember. I pleased you, at least remember. drawn into society, forced apart, self-denied agreement, imminent emotional implosion. Traded your smiles for mine. Life so empty. Lost from thine. Filled with bleeding imperfect earth.

Hmm. that was interesting. haha oh shit

I wonder why i wrote all that just now. haha i just felt like writing abit in case i got rusty i guess.
Anyway today, i resolve to stop ponning tutorials, and consider lectures. hehe. Partly cos my chinese teacher now finally realises that i exist. hahaha.
I'm a little confounded as to why geoffrey lee went to tell her that i was 1st intake though. Haha i mean wth! at least give me a way out leh! aiyah now i had to tell her that i took hcl and blah blah blah blah. I feel quite bad lying to her cos she seems to be a really nice person... ah well crap. I was forced into a corner. What'd u expect me to say? "oh yah i know i was supposed to come for chinese but i nvr showed up cos i hate the subject?" Aha but nvm lah... why bother.
haha as joel leong says, at first the percentage of pple u culd tokk to was 90%, now its 40%. Which is kinda sad. the heya tribe's expanded. haha janahan says now we're in danger of being the heyas, since the new heyas culd form the majority, which wuld make us the minority.
and i hate jeanette! haha. cos chong came over, den jiawen went to ask her to show us some moves, then that stupid jeanette said TIM U WANT CUP ANOT? LATER U DROOL ALL OVER THE FLOOR. haha so paiseh! >_<

Booth asked long long long long ago if we would rather live in a world full of people brimming with self-confidence, or a world with self-doubting people. The reason i'm bringing this up is that i realise i'm in the former.
Booth argued that such a world is much less than perfect, and i can see why. Simply because people can't agree, and because they're so sure in their conviction, they seem to be unable to see the other's point of view. I agree with him. In my opinion its silly. ridiculously. Because by seeing another's opinion you gain more than by stubbornly closing the door on the other view. You gain an alternate viewpoint, you expand your horizons. Conversely, by being so sure of oneself, one is bound to try to impress one's viewpoint on others, thus being a source of conflict. Such self-confidence can sometimes lead to misplaced passion that is blinding and dangerous.
Which is why i'm happy to be a self-doubting person i guess. To be Silas. To be young and impressionable, able to learn from others, because of a sense of self-inadequacy. Others may feel its weak, indecisive, and fickle. I disagree, because i feel that only when you are able to see both sides of the issue, can you fully appreciate the subject as a whole. Besides, sometimes conceding is the only way out of a conflict, especially with the above said people.
But its dispassionate as well. In the end I never really feel strongly about anything, or anyone. Because when you see the maggots crawling through the bark, even the trunk seems to lose some of its magnificence.
I borrowed that last metaphor from a book. But its a nice metaphor anyway. Don't you agree?

~you're still with me in my dreams~

oh long time since i've blogged.
Anyway i'm feeling oddly shitty with myself now. which is why i'm up at such a wierd time. doing god knows what.
I feel selfish. i'm angry with myself but i don't know why. Maybe its because i'm becoming more pretentious? hypocritical? I pretend to be able to stand people i realli don't like that much. Its tiring and draining.
Maybe i've become more critical. Noticing the flaws in people and finding it harder to accept them. Or am i just trying to find a nice way of saying superficial? I feel shallow now... and i don't know why.. but i feel somehow cheated. tired.
Don't get me wrong. Its nothing to do with anyone else. Its just me.
And chee might be going. I know its selfish of me... but i really hope he doesn't go to nj science. haha but his future's more impt i guess. yah.
Ahh i can't recall anything. I just feel so helpless now. and its wierd cos i can't exactly pinpoint why. Maybe its just the regression of my life. Going out so much, i haven't touched schoolwork for days. i'm screwing up my life. and i have none but myself to blame. I'm overspending too... shit lah what am i doing. I owe a hellot of munny everwyhere.
haha oh well something nicer. I realli like 3 doors down's here without you. acherlie i just like the "you're still with me in my dreams" part. hahaz.
Anyway maybe i'll go sleep. mull over things. resolve to drag myself out of this cesspool.

hahaz... lianne's blog's veri funnie. she's quoting alex mcurdy. hahaz... she deserves part of it lah though. maybe not to such a horrible degree, but she does deserve some of it.
anywayz, where's fan! i want to plae mahjong. haiz. my mother took my fone AGAIN so i can't contact anyone and am cut off from the rest of the world. siAn.
oh i watched the eye 2... which isn't as scary as the mirror trailer but nvrmind. haha shit if i tokk abt it i'll start thinking abt it den i'll get scared den... oops too late.
anywayz. i dunnoe wat to join. haha 2nd intake's here now... so i've got to decide on a cca before i have to permanantly say byebye to my pearls. which is an utterly retarded system in my opinion. toolan lah.
oh shit. i haven't bot my uniform. haha -oops- what'll i wear to school on monday?
i'm broke like shit too. i hafe debts of abt $40 all over the place again. shit lah i need more munny. hahaz. i overspend too much... its a bad habit carried over from last year.

I hangout wif yixun alot. I just realised. haha my past 3 posts all had yixun in them.
anyway i'm just stoning at home overheating the ps2 for the past 2 days... cos my mother doesn't let me out nowadays, cos she thinks i spend too much munny, which is partly true. i need munny. again.
haha i've finished kingdom hearts. yay. now i dunnoe what to do. haiyar sian. maybe i'll hop down to beauty world and order smth tmrw.

Anyway friday went fine. haha sheesh. i dunnoe what all my friends were making a fuss over. although i appreciate the fact that they're trying to help larh... but its just a dinner. its not even a one on one dinner... haha SHEESH. =P
Yixun should stop punching pool with me too. its not good for his ego. hahahaz.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
sukuen's brother is damn yandao! damn damn damn yandao! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
haha shit lah! she just sent mi his foto. he's damn yandao! damn damn damn yandao!
ARRRHHHH
*stops whining*

haha okay neway, i went to town to dillydally again, i met hadri and smriti and suwee. i lyke smriti's file. she should give it to me. who cares if it says girls rock. i want smriti's file. its how nicee... haiyarz. i want too many things.
march hols coming! its ridiculous. i haven't played mahjong since the start of this year. wot rubbish is this. haha i shld be playing mahjong like crazy wif jeanette and max and whoever else wants to play.
i need to save munny because tt stupid yixun wants me to AHEM AHEM pay for him tmrw. >_<. i need munny. MUNNY!
i need too many things

I went out with yixun again. now i is broke. -sniffle-
anyway something funny happened todae. haha me and yixun were browsing at hmv when suddenly yixun suddenly picked up this cd called "whale rider" and said its a good movie. i started laffing like shit... den after a while den only yixun got it... haha then he called me a pervert. I mean hullo? when yixun saes a movie's good, and it has some suggestive and wierd title like "whale rider", what'd u expect me to think! hahahahaz i culdn't stop laughing for damn long.
anyway i din go sch todae... haha me and yx ponned and slept onthe bus for damn damn long. we just took rides on the bus so we culd sleep. hahaz. den we went out wif laura and estherfoo and pravin and zach to watch timeline. haha my second time, its quite dreary second time round. den yixun came over to my hse for a while to plae dynasty warriors 4. haha he's damn stupid he keeps trying to kill lu bu and wasting time. stupid boi.

I need my munny. fast. where's my munny?

I shouldn't go out with yixun. He is bad influence. i just spent 25 munny on food and food just going out with him. no good, no good, i'll be broke at this rate in two days.
Oh well... if not i'll just fall back on my mother's 240 munny which she STILL hasn't given me. I *borrowed* abit of munny from my brother and i haven't exactly put it back yet, so she'd better hurry before he finds out that his munny is missing.
wats more yixun's convinced me to save $20 by friday. i hate him. he's like a black hole that just sucks in all my munny.
I've also been playing too much kingdom hearts. MUNNY! what a cute way of saying something so material. It alludes to hunny as well, which makes it all more child-like cos its associated wif winnie the pooh.
hahaz.

hahahahaha
go read yixun's parody abt ec! hahahahahaz.
anyway, where the heck is my mother. she's supposed to be back. by now. so i can consider going out.
I haven't been home for quite long... i'm alone now. and quite happy actually. I sort of miss home... a little tired of constantly going out. sian larh. although i really should go say happi b'dae to yee. oh well. maybe i'll find the strength to drag myself out of my hobbit-hole (yes my room is that small).
I want to find a song to play on the piano. something simple and sweet. but i dunnoe where to find it.

i find it odd that when someone you like likes you, you find it very hard to accept. Which is the case for SOMEONE. She seems absolutely blinded to the obvious signals and bases her denial on the nitty gritty details. which is totally not the case. At first i tot she was being a little modest, but now i tink she's REALLY thinking that he doesn't like her. which isn't the case at all. Haha oh well. I should try and convince her one of these days. silly girl.

And anyway, i've explained. which is good. and bad. ahh screw it. Haha i've been reading my past bloggies and i've realised how embarassed i am now tt some pple have read it. haha i sound so pathetic.

HELLO EVERYONE!
haha i'm happy. theresa gave me chai dao kueh to cheer me up. even though i realli wasn't that sad larh. haha but neway... thx benben! =P
And apparently yixun noes about this blog. and he's been reading it. and finding it veri interesting. but acherlie i don't care. i trust people who read this blog to at least give me some face. and not tell her. I place alot of faith in people i guess... i hope its not misplaced. But as i'm tokking to SOMEONE i can't help thinking it is.
I'm not happy. this is my blog. yu shouldn't be reading this. yes that means yu. i keep it open cos i'm hoping tt i can let some pple i know well read it. and cos i trust those people.
eugene can't seem to see the difference between how telling the whole world my blog addy and me gossiping abt him. well the difference is that my blog is my private thoughts and feelings. its all true. undisputable. and quotable. yixun's blog is not necessarily true, highly disputable, and quotable for entertainment.
This is a space for me to express myself. to do wierd things. to explore and see how i think. If i wanted everyone to know my life my blog'd be like yixun's. Public-oriented. For people to read.
I just hope tt u'd all understand. What i say here is what's deep down inside me.
Anyway, now tt's out of the way. I've gotta explain to her soon... and fast before it gets out of hand. I hope i'm not repulsive enough to scare her away... i hope.
And i've transfered class! to 1A01D. haha tt class is damn slack. damn damn slack. and its happening oso. well quite. the pple there are all friendly and niceee =). weifen's also joined tt class todae... so she and me are the two new pple dere. Uni and tiffany ong and david goh and joel leong and janahan and geoffey lee are all dere... david goh is damn funny, he and geoffrey lee can go start comedy show. Anyway my new class' realli nice... though i do miss the pple from my old class too i guess. at least i ended up in a nice class, so the transition wasn't tt bad. i was realli scared i'd endup in a boring and unfriendly class.
And my day was great todae. haha cos pple were still telling me to cheerup even though i pretty much was okay. =) thx alot evvone... its nice to noe pple care abt u =)

I don't think i'll detail down what happened today... I was just depressed larh. veri. my day got progressively worse and worse. max and jeanette hafe left my class, and its like empty now. i just don't feel like going for classes at all.
anyway, its nice to know so mani pple care abt mi... yeah realli nice. That there were pple to try and cheer me up. Made me feel alot better and loved. =P heheZ. tt sounded abit gay but nvm.

Anywayz its all just a joke to you. lets keep it that way.

i need to get this out of my system too.
i dunch know if i'm good enuff. I'm back to the same problem. Issit alot better just to see from afar, at most be ur friend? Or will going in, taking the risk, be worth it. If it backfires i'll be how loser larh. and how depressed. cos she'll be awkward arnd me and in the end it just won't be the same. I want to be her friend. I also want to be more.
But i'm not good enough for her larh. She's got everything, she's all there. why on earth wuld she even consider someone like me? She's the kind that can take her pick at whoever she wants, i've nvr probably even popped into her brain.
Maybe i culd test the waters? haha get to know her better and find out how she feels?
But... urgh.
I'm happy she's staying. But it also comes to the question. What do i do now that she's staying?

I can't decide whether to take history or geog

Case for geog:
I want to take geog because firstly, i've taken it in secondary school before. which makes it slightly more familliar than history. But the problem is i've only taken human geography in secondary school, whereas here in jc the geography has all that nice-looking but scary physical geography, with all the rocks and landforms and whatnot. And i hate that kind of thing, because its mostly mugging and memorizing, altho it is quite nice to look at. Human geography is realli more about bullshitting, because its basically explaining what most rational people wuld do given a certain situation, i.e. mainly common sense. Physical geography is all nice and pretty to look at, but when it comes to the crunch where u have to know what forms at thisthisthis trench as a result of thathathat plate and thathatthat plate, i'm not sure i can handle it.

Case for History:
I want to take history because, well because i'm not sure if i want to take geog. But... although i might not want to admit it, part of the reason whye i want to take history is cos the pple taking history are funkier =P. and i want to go someone's class =P. but the problem is, since i've never taken it before, i'm not sure about the subject. from secondary school, it seems that history is similar to human geog, but with a little memorizing thrown in as well when it comes to dates and events. So geography is more well-segregrated in terms of the mugging/non-mugging components, while history isn't. As a subject, history doesn't seem that appealing though. must be all the stereotypes abt history being dusty and old.

The case for geog seems stronger. Of course it is. i don't have any information about history.
I THINK... haiyar damnit i hate committing myself. I hafe commitment problems. haha i'm not going to make a good boyfriend either at this rate.

I tink i'll take........................ history.
I hope i don't regret this

aiyah crap
my teddybear images aren't working. the server died or smth. crap
anyway, i'm sure there's someone who used that template
i'll just find him and use it. =P

i'm discussing wif cw now who else hasn't held a girl's hand. me him and szekiat so far are in the same sampan. bleeargh.

YaY!
i got 8 A1s. i'm damn happi! Happi! HappPI! HAPPI!
but i was too tired to celebrate larh i guess. i just went home after the results. too sleepie and sick from keef's house yesterday. and i'm a blabbermouth when i'm drunk larh. or tipsy. ok i wasn't wasted, i was just high, but i was tokking alot of rubbish sia. haha crap.
anyway i've realised i'm quite shallow lousy. lousylousy me. lousylousylousy. i don't know how to comfort people. i'm so lousy. I don't know how to react to the people who were disappointed. I just don't know what to say... and i feel really bad because i know they're feeling realli lousy, but there's nothing that i know how to do to cheer them up. I even sometimes end up avoiding them to avoid that sense of helplessness i get...
i wish there was something i culd do.

I haven't found out who's not staying, but i'll miss u all. i hope chee can stay... realli do. through appeal or whatnot. and ferris oso... they don't have to be uprooted and thrown into another jc... and honestly they deserve rj alot more than some people. ok thats a presumptuous statement on my part.

and i tink i'll apply for humans. hope i can get in =P

zach just told me tt i shld stop letting people bully me like this. Its the third time someone told me that this WEEK.
He's right. everyone who's told me this in one form or another's right.
Its not really the fault of people who take advantage of me. I guess i just let myself be taken advantage of. I don't know why i do it... maybe its because i'm too weak to standup for myself? Too afraid to cause trouble, initiate conflict, because i'll probably lose out in one.
Maybe its the simple naive belief that if i help people people will help me back in return. Which really isn't always the case, i know. But some part of me refuses to giveup the hope that all people are nice people.
But its most probably because i've fallen into such a state that i've become incapable of resisting. Or that noone really takes me seriously when i do. Lost of dignity and pride, nothing to vent the void.
Don't get me wrong, there's alot that these same people who sometimes take advantage of me have done for me. I'm not THAT stupid as to let people whom i don't bother about use me. But sometimes it can get a little too much, and i wonder about the validity of "helping in return for a future favour". Thats what i used to think.
Am I giving up too much?
But what can i do, when no one's there to pull me up.

ihatemyfatheragain. he has no intellectual progression at all. i don't think he's capable of learning anything, only STORING things.
anyway, i'm back from dramafeste, and i must sae tt its overall quite nice. i was late so i missed the cps one, but the arts and med were good, the actors were good. i tink med will win though, cos arts seems all slapsticky, and while its a good laugh, i think the judges will be more inclined towards the med one.
oh den on the way home we went on a wrong turn, so me and eugene went plowing through the entire housing estate that seperates our houses from the other branch after peihwa. its damn funny, we just got lost in this maze of housing estates, and thankfully we met this kind man who told us how to find this 'secret' staircase that leads down to upper bukit timah road. hahaz luckily we met him lah...otherwise we wuldn't be home now.
i wanna join rp. haha i tink i shld join it. somehow it'll all make sense if i do :P. hopefully i'll go join them next intake.

i need to analyse this event in my life cos i'm bored.
Basically, the event is that mingkun and huimin took eugene's fone. so when i met wif dem at orchard, we screwed arnd wif his fone larh, den on the way back i thought "why don't i pass eugene back his fone today instead of him getting it back the next day and having a longer lag-time before he resolves whatever shit we sent?", so i told mingkun to pass me the fone so i could pass it to eugene larh, since he lives so near me.
So when i got to his house, i called him, den he was bz bathing so i waited downstairs by the pool. when he came down, he suddenly put on this damn xiong look, den he came at me like some chao ahbeng yelling "you think its damn funny rite?". then liddat he kept approaching me until he damn near larh, his fists clenched and held at his chest. he was so near i culd smell his breath larh... so tts how jialat it was. he den started kaopehing about how his parents grounded him and wahtever just cos he DIDN'T HAVE HIS FONE wif him when he got home. so i just got fedup and said whatever, passed him his fone, and left.
okay to give him a little credit, he did actually apologise later. kind-of. said he over-reacted.
truth is, i was damn pissed wif him. damn damndamn damn pissed. i mean, i went over to his house, gave him his bloody phone, if he doesn't want to give me a thanks on the account that i sent a few messages, fine, but he actually gave me this shit when i bothered to pass it to him larh. and the worst part is, i'm not even to blame for his parents screwing him, cos it wasn't even me who koped his fone. he doesn't have a right to act that pissed at all. and no, its not a misunderstanding, he knew goddamn well that mingkun took his fone.
so after diskussing wif yixun, i've come to the conclusion that eugene actually just wants to let out steam on someone. he can't get pissed wif yixun or mingkun, because there isn't a point at all, they'll just ignore him or worse retaliate. so hu does he get pissed with? the convenient little boy who was stupid enough to deliver his fone for him, on the lousy pretext of being involved because i played arnd wif the fone. i conclude that because i am below him on the pecking order, he has the right to get pissed wif me even though i have nothing to do with why he's frustrated.
shiying's rite. i should stop letting pple climb over my head. but its kinda hard to do when ur "wavewornpebbleround".

after mulling over the valentine poem that we're supposed to write for lit, i've just come to the realisation of why i can't seem to write it. The sad answer is, i don't know what i want to say about love, because i've simply too shallow an understanding of it. I've never experience nor tried it before, and thus i have nothing to write about it. all my fuzzy preconceptions, my ideal dreams of it aren't actually anything deep enough to discuss at all.
pity.

aiyah where got spoil. anni where got spoil?

oh well.
i was dateless on valentine. and i was kinda tired of perpetually going out so i decided to be anti-social and stay at home. well partly it was cos of my $60 handfonebill which prompted my parents to confiscate it for god knows how long. so i culdn't contact them. aiyahz.
haha i've bot some stuff to play on my ps2... must remember not to go et again. i tink the guy there hates me. i hate his guts too so who cares.
hmmpf. ken's telling me now abt mtvaa. aiyah i wanted to goooo. siannz
letssee... well on friday i made some shocking disccoveries. hehe. can't write them here. all i can say is they're shocking. vari shocking. vari vari vari shocking. poor her.
on today i'm stoning in front of the com typing this blog entry. i'm about to go eat dinner to. yay.
i tink i'm starting to like my class a LITTLE more now larh. hahaz aaron thng's quite a nice guy acherlie, if u can get past the poserpart. hehe. and i got bitching partner in tt class so its not that bad already. i'd miss some pple if i move out i guess... *Sigh*
and poor jianglei. haha dun get so sad kae? i guess life's like tt larh... shit happens.
oh yah my tagboard's spoilt. but god knows how to fix it. lemme go post a few times and see what happens.

maybe i din mean all of what i said just now
but hell. i tink it'll serve to capture how fedup i was wif my father. thats what a blog/diary is for after all.
i'm tired. i don't know whats wrong with me now. i'm just tired and lonely. maybe cos i'm jealous i guess. haha i see how people seem to have such good friends, tt write such nice stuff for them on their b'daes, and i'm depressed cos i don't think i have anyone who's that close to me. i need good friends. really good friends i can talk to and confide in.
but there aren't many who understand me... not many i can open my mind to. and say whatever i really feel and want. in fact, none. Noone bothers when my b'dae is. Well thats oso probably cos my b'dae falls on lousy days for the past 2 yrs. But noone really listens when i'm hurt, noone understands me well enough to know when i need to talk. i've got fun friends, but none really care about who i am or what goes on in that space between my ears. these pangs of loneliness hurt sometimes. Its funny how someone like me can be lonely sometimes. I always tot myself as having many friends. Or so i tot. i like what's on yixun's blog, it reflects my desperate plea now.

~think of me in my time of pain~

My father is a retard
it is impossible for him to follow any logical reasonable thread of argument at all, despite being a MATh lecturer. And he's goddamn hypocrite as well, whole day complaining about me wasting MEAGRE amounts of money like $10 $20 and then buying retarded sound systems for hundreds of bucks and dumping them in the storeroom. for god's sake he should practice wat he preaches before he lectures me, don't make it sound like he's so good with money like that. And he's so illogical that he can make the most preposterous statements that just serve to irk and frustrate. I'm accounting to my mother how i spent what, and he has to make empty noises about how the money i spend is not mine. does it even have a LINK at all?
he's retarded. goddamn retarded. i can't stand him. i have to move out when i have enough cash, he's absolutely intolerable. he's socially handicapped and can't relate to people, and the worst of all is that i have to relate to him as a father.

oh well.
here it goes.
if i comebackintears i haveonlymyselftoblame

yay. haha i went out wif mark chen's og... nise pple dere. haha tokked rubbish alot at holland v food court. i din noe charlene was in mark's og... haha he nvr told me before. and that jiawen oso. haha not the cheong jiawen, the other jiawen. haha she was quite nice larh, she gave me a lift home, altho she looked damn sianded and stoned tt day.
oh and i bot a teddybear! haha from firas. oh and i found out firas is SOMEONE's eyecandy... heheh.
i dunnoe, i mean i nvr found firas THAT yandao. i mean alot of pple say he's yandao, and i don't deny that he isn't, but he's not go-googoogagaallover is he? haha maybe its cos i've seen him from primary school until now...
i tink all mixedbloods are chio/yandao. generally. its not fair. haha i want malay/angmoh blood in me too.
oh yah. junk just passed me ffx-2 for free! yay! thankyeew! hahaz. well in return i guess i have to deliver his tickets tmrw.

humans party was ok i guess. too bad jingli din turn up at the last minute. aiyah i failed larh. hahahaz
they forsed me to kiss yixun's hand. i still feel very repulsed. even now. i tink i'll go gargle later.
oh after that i went to my mother's party again. haha but this time they weren't gambling... so haiyarz.
aiyah i dun realli feel lyke blogging.
nitenitez

i'm just damn depressed today.
i'm tired larh. fedup. disappointed. down in the pits. i'm sorry i can't go out, but alot of things seem to have to gone wrong these past few days that i just can't drag myself out and look happy. Because i'm not. its not just him, its alot of other things.
I"ll just stay at home and plae the ps2 like a no-life losar. maybe retreating into the fantasy world will make real life easier to deal with later.
I wish i had someone to talk to, but noone would listen anyway. I don't realli have anyone whom i can bare everything to. Maybe thats why i'm so sad as well... cos i can't tell anyone.

i donch know whats up wif him
i realli don't. i reallli realli don't. i dunnoe if he's just screwing arnd wif me or if he's really pissed. and i don't know if i shld really care anymore. i realli shouldn't bother about him larh... goddamnit larh... what's his damned problem. why's he doing this. i mean... i don't deserve this man. really i don't. i'm not there for him to play around at his whim and fancy. i owe him much, but not this much... he doesn't need to take away whatever ounce of self-respect i may have left. if he's itching to get into a fite... i don't know. i'll lose. duh. but he doesn't gain anything either? i mean what the heck does he want? if i'm not good enough for him at least he should just leave me alone. i can handle that. and if he's really pissed with me he should just tell me the fucking reason, not screw around with me like this.

Yay. I've done a whole revamp of my dear blog
its pretty now. yay. i lyke the template. anywayz, if neone ever comes here, i've also installed a tagboard! haha so just tag if u drop by or smth so i know u were here. =)

Sometimes i wonder
what i see in you. curled in your cold hard shell,
draped in thorns, thorns that hurt
anyone wanton enough to dare approach.

i keep telling myself why do i care so much about what you say. i've nvr realli bothered much anyway about what others say abt me, so why you? u make it sound like you own me, in every other instance i'd have yelled at the person, but for you i just seem to get sad. depressed. i don't know what to do in front of you, because you don't give me any way out. i'm not here for ur own ego-boosting goddamnit. i'm not here for you to toss around like a rag doll in order to intimidate other would-be bullies.
And it hurts. hurts that you hold me in so low a regard. hurts that you treat me just like the very same people you despise and look down on. hurts because i could be one of those people in your very eyes. i should just leave you. yet i continue hurting myself by coming back again.
i really wish i could just go down on my knees and ask you to be a little nicer to me. just a little. but you'd despise me even further if i did. Or rather you'd just exploit the situation to the very end. but what can i do when your every comment seems to affect my entire day, until the night when i cry myself to sleep about you.
okay thats a little drama. i don't CRY myself to sleep about you, i just wallow around in my depression until i fall asleep. but then thats probably because i've been numbed till i can't cry anymore.
What is it you want from me?

These gaping wounds, self-inflicted
they serve as not scarlet warnings
but fond, rosy reminders... nay, bittersweet
memories of brushes with you. And a crimson hope
that the next will be less painful.

YayZ. I'm back from my OG's b'dae partee. and i'm goddamn sianded. we wanted to pon sch tmrw but in the end wasn't enuff pple. sianz. And i realli shldn't have eaten so much cheesecake... urgh i feel abit sick now. maybe i'll pon tmrw neway =P.
haha i went markchen's house yesterdae... HE'S DAMN CHIO! haha even when he was younger, he alreadi looked damn chio... haha i carn beleef that noone ever said he was a chiobu in his secondary school... haha he's so petite larh... altho he's got a black belt in karate and a punching bag in his room. newayz we played truth or dare dere... yah i got to noe alot of pple from his class...funkeh pple hehe maybe i'll go sit wif dem next arts lecture. hehe.
oh yeahx. crap. i'm working on a deadline here. neway i need to know abt jingli, and her friends. its urgent. it has to be done before the humans combined class partee. hahahaz. thousand rose petals forever! hahahaX.
i'm damn shagged now acherlie. i realli dunwan to go to sch tmrw. realli realli. but i oso dunwan to stay at hoomE! haiyarhz.
maybe i'll go sleep and decide tmrw larh