Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an unfortunate announcement to make.

As of today, Essay-whoring stops.

Have a nice weekend ahead.

Because I'm feeling frivolous.
Presenting to you the poster-girl of guess, paris hilton.

Wouldn't it be creepy if I died and you read a post by me after my death?
I could you know. Schedule posts to appear after my timed suicide.

Okay just random ramblings.

Now I wouldn't post this because I don't want people to think I'm going to commit suicide. But then I've realized its useless, everyone thinks everything no matter what you do. The only way to remain blameless is to do nothing, and if you do that too much then you're stuck with yourself.

I need to sever the tie between thought and reflection.

For the bell jar is round. Once you're in it you never really get out.

I am mildly annoyed with the amount of work I have.
Which as it stands is still one more econs essay.

ANYWAY HI WEIXIAN.
I'm so sorry really I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2 and grumpily realized that I still had a fuckload of work. Besides paraphrasing your own essay is torture worthy of the 9th level of hell.

Next. The twit who gave my home number to blaps (which I suspect is either hadri or hadri) is going to burn in hell. Oh wait. Hadri you're pretty much on the road anyway. Bzzbzz.

School is so boring and useless. I should continue staying at home and finish up all my work. But what to do must be in school by friday.

Little snippets of thoughts in my mind.

There was this really really cute little girl in my grandaunt's house today. She's her granddaughter and she's really adorable, she toddles around the house screaming and playing with her toy washing machine. She's also got lovely golden hair, (she's mixed) which she refuses to tie up so she can playfully push it back with the back of her hand.

And then yixun popped into my mind. heehee.

So I was thinking how sad life must be for paedophiles. To be unable to appreciate simple, innocent beauty that is untainted by sex. It must be a horrible curse, to look at a child and not be able to envy the simple, carefree life that she endures, but to attribute her every action to seduction. (which is their excuse, the twits say they want to debunk the myth that children are not sexual creatures, I think I saw it in CSI.)
For in children, it is given that beauty is divorced from sexual attractiveness. They are endearing in a simple yet timeless way. It is a pity that they grow up wanting to flaunt their sexuality in the end.

I unfortunately envision her in the future as a maneater.

(not that yixun is really a paedophile actually, I'd like to think that what he sees in little boys/girls is their innocence and carefree qualities. But don't take my word for it ;)

I am mildly amused.

Having lost 12 dollars at tancheewan's house which seems to be an inexorcisable curse every chinese new year, I was prepared to grouch at home and grumble about how I only received 50 this year from my parents.
Then this bunch of old ladies came over to visit my mother. People from church. So anyway, they decided to play blackjack, and my mother asked me to join in. So on my first round as dealer, I opened up with double ace.

And that was how I won all 12 dollars back from the old aunties. Ah, providence.

Shall go read bell jar again. Must finish essay

Sometimes when I'm alone and nothing happens, I can almost feel the present crushing me like a trundling tank. When I think too much about when exactly is now. Time slipping by just as I try to define it. It feels as if time has left me behind and the world has moved on, my temporal body ripped from the physical universe.

What happens to the past? This may sound very 1984-Orwellish as well, but really, is the past nothing but a collection of memories? It's very unsettling, to know that right now, you only exist now. That if time chose to forget you, you would cease to exist.

What if all you've experienced is the narrow present?

What's unsettling is not so much the disappearance, but the clean lack of any remaining mark left behind. The temporal loss of permanence

Let's not dramatize this. Nor trivialize it. For once this is important, and must be given precise due attention.

I can honestly say I'll miss suwee. And thats as far as words will bring me. Memories are all we have anyway. Memories and emotions that come with their recollection. I suppose its a good thing then, that the face I often recall is that of her smiling.

Existence trundles along. The present crushes you like a grinding tank.

Bye suwee. We miss you. Come back in April =)

Save me from what I've become.
And other assorted cliches.

Had chat with veluri yesterday. Am quite thankful it wasn't naggy scolding. Nothing I don't already know I guess, but its good to be reminded once in a while. I've always needed to be pushed out of subsistence.

I had an idea for a post but somehow it got washed away in the endless meanderings of my mind. Oh-wells.

I think I just wanted to say how lost I am. I haven't ever opened up fully and I never will, because I don't know who to trust. I'm not as gullible as I appear, given time. I feel like I need to watch everyone all the time. I'm thankful for that sturdy base which I know I can always fall back on. And I'm sorry if it appears to be the part i trample on the most while aspiring higher.

Its oppressive this silence. You all. Are.

Its a pity that the common thread that connects us is precisely what I would not have applied to myself. I have only myself to blame, skirting around the edge only to have fallen in to the mindless pit of superficiality.

I need to find my wavelength. Before I scramble up my brain. Before your silence consumes me into mediocrity.

It isn't true that no one understands. We just need to appreciate the different levels.

Aiyaa. Have I mentioned how old this thing is getting.

An active exercise in self-censorship. To make sure what you say is safely what you portray.

Since I'm bored.
Here's a little something for the girls in my class.
ESPECIALLY clara. Girl please eat.

Aii I wish we had the humans teachers.
Old gripe same complaint. Jealousy surfaces once again.

Anyway yeah had this really interesting lecture on poetry on friday. Then choc buffet at fullerton! But like I said I'm not here to tell you what I ate for dinner.
Also have to see Veluri on Monday. Suspect self to be in plenty of trouble again. Sucks I tellya.

But I'd really like to say in my defence that I'm not a bad student! Gah. Its not as though I have absolutely no interest in whatever subjects that I'm studying, its just that I don't find class engaging and charged enough. And so I gravitate to other more happening places. I mean. Class is so dull the silence is oppresive sometimes. Not just oppressive, in it I hear a faint echo of me and Ben Moh arguing in the distance. Not too far away, still not too long ago.

It's just jaded. Reawaken the instinct

Okay that's it. Tagboard is down for maintenence.
=)
Have a nice day.

HI BLAPS!
I know you're at home now reading this in the comfort of your toilet thanks to your wireless monitor and whatnot.

Aye this is so traumatizing (and myblastedspacebar is still occasionally spoilt). My CT reads our blogs lah oh my god. Heehee wait till he sees BC's. Hoohoohoo.

Marginalize me!

Ugh. As to whoever it is on the tagboard. Get a life. No seriously. If not at least go tag your nonsense on darling lianne's blog, its http://princessli-.blogspot.com.

Perhaps it is time. Ready or not world here I come.

Can you imagine the pressure of having to live up to those standards?
Its enough to cook carbon into diamond. And gleam I will, sparkling in the limelight, in all my reflected glory. Either that or dull you with the flaky black of residual charcoal.

Oogieboogie. Oogieboogie. I think Tim Burton is a genius. Oogieboogie. Oogieboogie.
Alright enough randomnessness. Oogieboogie. Shit that word is quite addictive. Oogieboogie.
Does anyone have the melancholy death of oyster boy?

In the meantime, Tim will do lit essays for lunch this week. Is very poor and hungry. Unfortunately will only do one question once, i.e. repeated requests cannot be entertained due to time constraints. Quality of essays ensured. By hook or by crook. Money back guarantee. Call or messsage **MYNUMBER**.

Haha nah just joking. But I really am broke. Anyone wants to contribute to the Save Tim Fund?

OogieboogieOogieboogieOogieboogie Say it with me!

More things to kill hadri about. Abuse-buse. Shall add thatdown onto the list.

Anyway I'm really quite engaged now. I've just downloaded some program that acts like a DJ-turntable and now i'm trying to mix tracks which is really fun. As of yet I haven't been able to do anything more interesting other than blend one song into another (and even that it isn't exactly what I would call seamlessly), but really give me time.

If you're bored send me a playlist! I as of yet am too lazy to make a good selection of songs.

And yes if you must know, I was playing with TECHNO tracks. Everything else I have has nice conclusive endings anyway, its only the thumping dance tracks that need to be mixed and continued so that the beat goes on.

Da-thump Da-thump Da-thump.

Heh right then changwen. Firstly, I didn't deny you any valuable SHUT-EYE, and secondly I told you this over MSN so how can I have an excited and agitated tone. AND PLEASE LAH. I'm not jealous of max. I'll snuggle down by the fireside when I find the right person. YOU're just unhappy that only tacky sluts hit on you. LIKE YOU KNOW WHO.

Now anyway really, back to the topic at hand. I've practised alot of discretion already. I never said it was a guy, I never said which forum it was on. Your coming here and tagging all that nonsense only does further damage to your own reputation.

Furthermore, in posting online, you are openly acknowledging the fact that it is a PUBLIC forum, or in other simpler terms, open for everyone to see. Thus, as with any other forms of information or media on the internet, anyone is at liberty to quote anything. Don't want people to know, don't post. With your anonymous nick anyway I don't see why you should even bother reacting. Your tag has only provided information that I had chosen not to reveal at my discretion.

AND HADRI DON'T PRETEND YOU HAD NO HAND IN THIS.

Anyway today was really nice. Rooftop pizza with smriti hadri and matin. Saw a shooting star too. Two actually heh we were so excited. Should do things like that more often, very relaxing. Gets you away from the cutthroat business of JC life.

I thought I relived secondary school for a moment. With RI around me and the stars twinkling above.

yawnnn i'm tired frm stupid trng. tis will be my first post in very long. n its timmy which inspired me to waste my valuable shut-eye time for this. he suddenly came n told me in his highly agitated yet excited tone tt max's gay has replied on the tag board. which str8 guy gives so much of a damn abt some stupid gay tagging on your blog. NONE. however everyone knows timmy isn't str8, but that aside, i'm pretty convinced tim's just jealous that there aren't any guys hitting on him. after a whole year in whcih no guy wanted to dominate him, he's currently feeling pretty down and dejected. i suppose tt explains his mood when max's gay came to tag here. but its alright, we all know timmy will fnially find the right guy to settle down with, n snuggle beside the warm fireside.
tim you better not delete this.

Perhaps some things aren't entrenched in the past. Perhaps I can rectify them and blot out the ugly scars.
Its a new year. And a new beginning.

Somehow my mind's been brought back to the Jack Kerouac quote, the one about the ones who never say a commonplace thing.

Right then. Let's open with a cheerful rant.

Right then I resent being constantly evicted in my class. Everyone has a proper seat except for me! First I was sitting at the back then mel evicted me because I kept borrowing her pens. So I went next to chuin then she evicted me for burping and the booger incident. Then now uni says I have to sit one table away from her because she's heard of the horrible consequences of sitting next to me. So I was evicted back next to mel. And the cycle progresses.

HRMMPF.
Hahaha oh well. Have still been taking long walks home and talking to self. Realize that self makes alot of sense sometimes. Shit if this carries on I'll become schizophrenic and become a psycho killer when I grow up and murder firasandkeith first. Haha they say psychos always murder those people whom you know, starting from the earliest and progressing slowly downwards.

Bwahaha fear me. The evil serial killer of tomorrow.

I am different -
But then you already knew that.

I feel more interesting now. I think I shall continue this good habit of reading. I just finished lord-of-the-flies again, but of course my experience was different from the last time. There's finally food for thought to munch on while on the bus.

Anyway, is our personality shaped by the books we read and the music we listen to? Or does our personality choose what we enjoy and listen to? I think its the former, I've always believed that personality is nothing but a conglomerate of perspectives and mannerisms that one picks up as one goes through life.

Nothing I have is original after all. What is "uniquely mine" is simply a mesh of different tastes.

I've also developed a habit of conversing with myself lately. Heh this is really eccentric. Yeah but I write stuff to myself now, in the hope that I'll heed my own advice in the future. Its sad when you have to use time to detach yourself from your self. Its silly really, writing to myself in the hope that I'll find what I write as sagely anonymous advice. But well. These are the messes human beings are made of.

And yixun I object. My stupidity has not been blossoming of late without your erudite presence. Although it probably needs pruning.

Of little relevance:
The night is full of holes, there's bullets ripping skies of ink with gold.

Do anything you want.
Just feel for me.

beejezus i am up at 12:30 a m doing my homework 11C is not finished and there is still econs and history tutorial and other assorted nonsense that i probably have forgotten oh my god i am just so dead lah.

I hope reading that was half as tiring for you as i am feeling now.
Right then shall revert to normal english mode. With appropriate pauses and commas so you can take breaths.

People who come here are searching for "chonglin rjc" on google. Seeing how the only other hit was a GUY chonglin in CJ, I'm guessing that 4% of my latest readership consists of hot-blooded J1 males who are so desperate that they're searching for her blog in the hope that there'll be pictures.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. I can only offer a short rant about how my emotions imploded and died. Permanently.

Matin also showed me something rather interesting at Chang Wen's house earlier today. Or yesterday. Whatever. Anyway, haha I quote from an unspecified public forum.

"anyone knows max? j2 this year, in table-tennis...he is sho...cute! erm max, if u are here...pm me...wanna getta know you better! "

BWAHAHAHA. Pay me I give you his number. =)

I would like to apologize to you. You know who you are, when you read this in the semi-distant future and wonder what went wrong so many years ago.

Yes you. You the forever idealistic one who was still stuck in the world of the novel. I can sympathise with that kind of thinking even now. For you were brought up in the most sheltered of environments, and the only life lesson you have ever learned outside was to treasure and not betray your friends. And on that one fundamental building block, you built a castle of sticks made from the debris of the second little pig's house.

I would like to apologize for this: For not sticking up for you, for not helping you assert yourself when I hold you dearest to me. For allowing the waves to crash upon your fragile castle.

The only thing that can resist is an immovable piece of rock.

I owe you so much throughout these years. I should have taught you more about self-preservation, less about service. Perhaps the first few books I let you read shouldn't have been stories that extol the kind and generous. Then Enid Blyton wouldn't have been hardwired into your brain by this time.

I owe you your self-dignity. For I failed to teach you how to draw the line between generosity and submission. Firmly. I have left for you a most unstable character, based on that one building block that came crashing down from above.
The building block that shattered your tribal fence.

She warned you never to dispose of your friends, and made you pay dearly for your first offence.
At such an impressionable young age, the traumatic experience quashed your natural instincts and replaced it with this lie.

I understand now. There are only certain ones that are really worth going that extra mile for. I am sorry that I haven't been able to be one to you.

I hope you will forgive me in time to come. For demanding so much of you and allowing myself to get away with it. For not just overstepping the line, but doing a little clown jiggle on the other side, and establishing it as their territory.

But for now I hope you understand. You will have to live with my mistakes, for the scars embedded firmly in the past will continue to extend to the present, you cannot rub them out of existence with the sweep of your hand. They may continue to torment you on the outside, but take comfort that at least now you will never allow yourself to be hurt again. Let them be a grim reminder of the mistakes past.

Heh I have to record this down. It was just so hilarious at the time. Me and mel burst out laughing in maths lesson because of it.

Okay setting is the A01D Classroom. Lesson is the dreaded C Maths. Tutor: Koh Siew Yong.
So me puss and mel were sitting behind pretending to do our tutorials. Then puss decided to draw an angel, but he couldn't draw the face so he decided to draw it facing into the paper, and with the long hair. So I commented it looked like The Ring, and we burst out laughing, then miss koh came over.

KSY: Xinghui what are you doing
Puss: Nothing ma'am. Doing question 3.

So KSY turns around, to help someone else with maths
Puss draws little "Zzzzz"s above the angel

Puss: Look Tim the angel's sleeping!
KSY: Xinghui WHAT are you doinggggg?

hahahahahaha. oh my god puss is so adorable.

I was looking through some of the nonsense I had in my musty old CD drawer. I haven't bought a CD since god knows when, I think primary school. So I was sieving through junk like Backstreet Boys: Millenium and other assorted nonsense when I came upon a rather garish CD case. It was Aqua. Heh so I put it into my player. The results were shocking.

I like Aqua. This is probably the worst yet in my series of confessions about music tastes, but really I do. Its not just the techno electronic beats. Its interesting how barbie girl can be so childish and so sinister at the same time, and scary that I find it poignant. And when I remembered the lead singer died of drug overdose it was just so sad [for current lack of better word due to lousy vocab]. The fairytale she hoped and sung for never came true.

Why this sudden rush of pathos?

Yay I've changed music. To Yellowcard - Only One
I like the way they put strings in their music. mm.

I need to break free. If only I could get what I wanted with the snap of a finger. If only it were all that easy, and the world would change for me.

Ah well. See you all on Monday.

What happens when the curtain calls?

In Other News:

I lost Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit in church. Because some woman wagged her finger at me for using my handphone and I got so agitated I could only bitch about it to my mother for the whole mass. And promptly left the book on the hymn-shelf at the pews.

I have a new CT that keeps asking me to tuck in my shirt. And talks like a pansy. Coming from me that's rich.

Also have failed to be good boy. Because got caught ponning GP to watch storyline which after the whole ordeal seemed like a very stupid transaction.

Painted Changwen's room. Is nice shade of adzfar's-grad-suit red on one wall and light-blue on the other. I leave you to form an impression.

Have made bet with mel. Am not allowed to pon anything, or will incur one demerit point. Whoever has more at the end of the month must treat the other. Score currently stands at 1-1. But I predict mel will forget her econs tutorial tmrw. hee hee.

Shall become busy doing econs tutorial now. Must get one up on her.

Life in plastic
Its fantastic!

I think I shall write a story. When I have time. Its been a while since I've conjured up a plot from no where, and it'd be interesting to see how far my ability to create characters has deteriorated.

Hi look at me I'm rotting away at home.

Okay stop. New year, new material. Whining is so old and last-century.

Anyway my space bar is deteriorating.
Things to do this year are namely to study hard and get life. Seeing how I have absolutely zero on new year's day.
Must also try to dirty new shoes enough so they don't look like clown-red when i go to school tmrw. Suspect self will get laughed at anyway.
Really it didn't look that red in the shop. And it was quite popular most of the shops I went to say sold out already. -sigh-

Masquerade!

I hate the Malaysian High Commission. Or whatever that accursed building is called.

(I'm not allowed to bitch about individuals, I'm assuming inarticulate organizations is fine)

No really, for the past 2 days, I have been waking up at the unearthly hour of 7:00AM to troop down to the malaysian high commission, which is a grub-infested building behind funan center with grumpy fat malay makciks guarding the door. And for the past 2 days, I have been refused entry to the bleeding place, because they only admit One-Hundred and Thirty (130) people into the blasted building. This is preposterous! I went home empty handed at the ungodly hour of 8:30AM!

(This might fall under excessive complaining. But i'm assuming its excessive VERBAL complaining that was problematic. Besides, everyone knows I'm just exaggerating for my own amusement.)

Aye yes so on today, I arrived at the Malaysian High Commission and waited outside hoping this time that I fell within the One-Hundred and Thirty (130) priviledged few. There was a queue that could probably rival the last hello kitty craze, but I was undeterred, so I stood in line. Leaning against the wall my mother kindly pointed out a huge caterpillar-worm thingy that was slowly but surely inching towards me. After nearly screeching in terror and leaping away from the wall, I decided that perhaps this building is not as clean as it sounds. So I stood up rigidly and continued to read Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.

Amusing and engaging as the book may be, it was no match for the queue. As I slowly inched towards the entrance (yes the barbarians made the queue extend all the way outside into the scorching heat), my mind started to get very tired. So I kept away my book and waited for the evil makcik of death to finally get to me and allow me in.

She may have rudely told me to come back tomorrow on two occasions, but fortunately not this time. Seeing my familiar face she went "Oh you again ah? Come to do passport ah?" and laughed like it was very funny.

Now for those of you who have never had the rare opportunity to do immigration work, it is a long tedious and ridiculously stupid process that involves you standing there stupidly while the impatient immigration officer yells at you to do whatever she asks and stop asking stupid questions. My entry into the building was only the beginning.

Seeing how they gave us the queue number 1055 when they were serving number 982, We decided that it would probably be wiser to go somewhere and have breakfast. Which is the only part of today that I don't plan to complain about because delifrance food is really good when you're grumpy.

So after eating breakfast, which took about an hour or so, we went back, only to find that the queue had moved to 995.

So we went back to funan.

And back to the Malaysian High Commission.

And back to funan.

(repeat as desired)

Finally the queue numbers reached 1055. At approximately 11:30. So we went through all the scanning thumbprint photocopying IC nonsense, and the irritating malay woman through the glass panel kept telling my father to "Don't talk, just do" when really, what she was saying was typically incomprehensible.

To top it off, when we were finally finished, as we were walking out, we saw the evil makcik of death talking to this chinese woman. I heard the words Hundred and Thirty and was about to smile sadistically, when suddenly, the makcik moved aside to allow her in. She also looked noticeably happier after that.

I suspect the chinese woman did things the malaysian way. That is to offer a monetary token in order for the makcik to be suddenly afflicted with a strange optic disease. If only we had known this two days earlier. We could have paid her the amount we saved on carpark fees.

Right then. Me and yixun have come up with the conclusion that if I want to be a better person next year, I shall have to quit bitching, whining, and complaining.

Which means I shall have to find something else to blog about.

Rats.

But blogging about my day just doesn't cut it. Its so boring, I mean I read people's blogs that go on and on and on about how they ran today or went town today or met some hot guy with broad shoulders and nice tan and I click on one of the random links near the right hand side of their page. I mean, whats important is that I find this place interesting to myself. I'm not writing rubbish here so I can tell myself 50 konky years down the road that "Oh, I went lido to watch Phantom of the Opera on 20th December 2004". Incidentally, I still haven't watched it.

Hmm. Not that reading about how canning sucks is interesting either.
I bore myself with myself. Rats.

Anyway, seeing how bitching/complaining all stem from the same need to create an outlet to express the dissent I feel when people piss me off, I have only three options left. First being that I buff up until I become big and jocky and whoop anyone who pisses me off. Seeing how i'm a lazy fuck, I don't see that happening. The second, is of course to find another outlet to express this negative sentiment I feel when people piss me off. The third, is to not get pissed.

With the first option out of the way, I am left with option two and three. Of course option 2 is a good idea, but is easier said than done. If you don't bitch and whine and complain about the asshole who has just done something really assholic, what DO you do?
Option 3 of course would seem the most peaceful way. But is also easier said than done. I'm a sensitive guy. I get hurt easily. =(
Bwahahaha.

Alright perhaps I should go sleep.

So many lights - Yet none shine for me.

Its very easy for a stalker to track down where I am
If there's a blog entry today, it means i'm at home. If not, I'm in town.
Or playing mahjong in someone's house.

That is, if anyone wanted to stalk me.

Anyway since I'm bored you'll just have to bear with me and more of my nonsensical ramblings and grumblings which I hope you find interesting but know most of you don't. The pitiful visits to this page have been dwindling, probably because I haven't been updating much, but thats hardly the point. its stagnating at about 20 hits a day, and seeing the way I blog-surf, that isn't really much, amounting to merely a handful of people.

I am probably not going to be sick. Which is a relief since falling sick during christmas sucks balls. On the other hand I could have SARS and maybe this is just the incubatory period. (perhaps I should delete that. Lest I find some government officer knocking at my door. Actually, nah. Government officers have better things to do than read this. Like calling numbers scribbled at the back of buses asking for gay sex. Oops.)

My mom's about to go on some suicidal mission against the MCST of our condo I think. That's sort of like the government of my condo. Silly woman. Later she end up chock-ful with lawsuits then she know. I told her don't bother they have more legal muscle, and she told me she never asked for my opinion. I am so appreciated at home.

I wonder how people put on the top of their entries how they're feeling everyday. Like Current Mood - HAPPY/SAD/DEPRESSED/EXCITED (insert appropriate smilie here). Its quite ridiculous actually. If I ever did that everyday my entries would start with [current mood - fucked up]. Sheesh. As if you can ever pinpoint how you're feeling with a simple noun. There is only fucked up. Fucked up is broad, general, and all in all useful to describe anything and everything.

In fact I think that's actually a good idea

Current Mood - Fucked up (Middle finger smilie)

Okay maybe not.

Please please please please give the new song a chance. For 10 seconds at least.

If not do tag and tell me to change. *sigh*

Oh rats my demotivator has disappeared. its now a black rectangle with a little white square at the top left hand corner which has a little red cross in it. cows.

The floodgates have opened. I feel the way the hoover dam must feel should it ever burst. My mucus glands have gone into overdrive. Yes ladies and gentlemen:

I think I have the cold.
dramamamamamamama.

Canning is highly boring and depressing. For some reason. I shall try to pinpoint the reason the next time I can. I believe it has something to do with too many people and too light a can. Then again I might be wrong. It might just be the people.

But really. Its infuriating how these supposedly people can be so snobby and yet put such atrociously ugly things on their bodies that have checks all over the place and have the most ridiculous colour combinations. I bet aliens could do a better job when it came to colour selection. The worst part is these walking fashion disasters look at you, and you offer them a can and smile, tell them to donate to the children's cancer foundation and stop wasting money on clothes and just stay at home, and they just walk past as though they've never seen you. I mean seriously, they can't be that fugly and devoid of friends that they lack even the basic social skills to respond with a "no, sorry" or something. Or at least shake your head if you don't want to donate. Even though it may have an emerald green hat on it your head can't possibly be that heavy.

Bah. I hate town now. Its full of snobby people who think they're all there and can anyhow ignore me. I hate people who ignore me. I also hate crowds. Stupid town is chock-full with people you can't stretch your back without banging into someone. Its like a stupid bleeding ocean where you can't even stand still because then the crowd will threaten to sweep you away. Complete with smelly body odours and the dingy smell of sweat. How the heck is it possible to have yourself a merry freaking Christmas in there.

All I want for christmas is... no not you actually. All I want is a uncrowded unnoisy ungrimy field where I can lie down and stare at an unpolluted uncloudy unlighted sky, with unsmelly unmuddy untrodden grass beneath me. And fall asleep. With someone preferably (no no specific someone, just someone), but of course that's optional. I can take care of myself ;).

Anyway I think I shall go find a new demotivator. And change music. On top of that, I think I'll go think of more excuses for How To Skip Going To Midnight Mass With Your Family. Really, going to church and spending two hours there kneeling and standing at eleven pm at night is not my idea of christmas. Although churches are really quite nice places to be in, with all the music and ambience and whatnot. Very tranquil. But Not Much Use If Falling Asleep Anyway. Slumber is the best tranquility, and I don't need it interrupted by the second chorus of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, thank you very much.

okay enough grouching.

And now to inject a little testosterone into my life:

FUCK ALL OF YOU.
.
.
.
.
.
=)

(Ignore these little rubbishy kind of posts, they're stupid dumb jokes that I tell myself so I can laugh. At myself)

I am so bored. and grumpy and frumpy and pms-y. like totally.

Right. Must stop that. Esther points me out to her overseas friends and says "this one is gay", and they go "yeah can tell". ZZzzz. Which means everytime I walk down the street, probably someone is pointing at me and saying "that guy is damn gay". ZZZZzz. Very sadcase.

Frenzied scribblings made late at night.
When the body shouts for slumber,
But the mind screams out in protest.

To answer the blank:
I've always thought that in questioning the origin of emotion or feeling, we destroy the authenticity of that emotion.

Take for example the sensation of sweetness, and the ensuing feeling of pleasure derived from, lets say, nibbling a cookie. I love cookies. haha. Anyway, I discovered at six that the senasation of sweetness is nothing more than the simple activation of small little bumps on the tip of your tongue. A clever survival technique by your body to ensure an adequate intake of glucose into your body. I was distraught.

Even the language I'm using is so clinical and analytical.
Sweetness was no longer indulgence in pleasure, but a clever manipulation for survival.

Is it really necessary to know all that? To know that the gift of sweetness doesn't drop down from heaven like manna from God, but is a clever product of a never-ending evolutionary process? Sweetness no longer belongs exclusively to that yellow sweet liquid that is jealously guarded by bees, nor does it qualify as a term of affection to your loved one. It is food pushing buttons on your tongue.

In questioning why we feel, the sensation itself is compromised. Emotions are not experiments that can be subjected to the grind and tear ofobservation and replication. They are elusive, fleeting feelings that come and go at their whim, they were designed to elude reason. In trying to determine how emotions arise, we destroy the subtle act of allowing the feeling to wash over oneself. For to do so requires a cool precise and calculating mind, while to feel requires a passionate and warm heart.

And as such, feeling becomes induced, contrived. Instead of the circumstance and situation evoking the emotional response, we analyse the situation and select which emotional response is the most appropriate. Tears do not well up. They have to be cried. Just as laughter becomes hollow and contrived.

The cold analytical mind is the antithesis of emotion

True delight comes without reason.

I'm a leee-tle. tired. Chim-chim-uh-ney Chim-chim-uh-ney Chim-chim--uh-ney. I think thats from mary poppins.

Yixun I right rubbeeshleee all teh tiem neway. Wahts ur point? =)

But frankly I think I'm going to crash soon. Reading Bell Jar and all that imbues you with a sort of angst that's not very healthy.

Here I am clinging on to the hopeless ideals of a 12 year old. You think the one's really out there, drifting amongst the endless sea of listless faces and grimy bodies? In the hopelessly endless world where tragedy abounds, what makes you think that you are the lucky one whose life will blossom into a fairy tale ending. With your prince charming and what not coming for you on his stunning white stallion, whisking you off your feet to his pearly white castle where the grass is green and the girls are pretty?

Shi jie na lai zhe me duo yi shen yi shi.

Oh shit i'm becoming the ridiculous angsty teenage drama queen. Oh hear me world as I expound my sorrows. Tremble in the presence of my immense emotional suffering that crystallizes with the pain of puberty. Okay i'll stop here.

I think I need someone in my life.

If I could melt your heart
We'd never be apart

That song brought back alot of things. Opened the locked drawers of my mind.
I thought I had safely tucked you away. And it took only a song to bring you out again

Why is my post count forever stuck at 199.

Anyway. Been having fun for the past few days. Yay. Can survive without yixun. hahaha. I hope becky isn't like mad or anything cos i was being a troublesome twit trying to find someone else to sit with at snow queen. heh.

Oh damn funny. Cos i ended up sitting with hadri later, and i was supposed to meet firas they all later. Then I told firas i'd be a little late, cos i was with yixun and becky at snow queen. then firas msged back.

"NO MOLES"

Anyway snowqueen was quite entertaining. AC dramas always have lots of glitzy dances which are fun to watch. I really liked the first one with frozen. mhmm. Haha but me and hadri were damn scared of one of the narrators. No not laura. one of the other ones. hehe
Speaking of which. Daisy pulls it off is next year! come come. even though we haven't started anything yet. haha i might not even get to act lah. But nevermind. I don't know when it is just come. Okay? good.

The black devil is quite good when it smiles actually.

Oh i'm looking for a job. I went to macs today and asked how much it was there and they told me 3 bucks per hour. Haha if anyone knows of a job with slightlyyy fatter pay tell me. Otherwise you can visit me at king albert park. heh.

Things I shall put down here in case I forget:
JEANETTE WU YOU OWE ME LUNCH.
CHEE OWES ME 3 BRIEFS STILL.

I cannot sleep. I am damn bored too. Moomoo hear me whine.
Actually no not really. This post won't be me whining about my erratic insomnia and screwed up bio-clock that causes irregular sleeping patterns and an immense headache that sounds like there's drill works going on in my head.

No really.

I need a bit more of life. Now that everyone from soccer has been whisked off to India to build shiny white clinics amongst the multitudinous sea of black, I am left alone with nothing to do but speculate on what's going on between the pompous fat bastard and his *ahem* partner. I have nothing to do! I mean at least changwen will get a tan when he comes back. i'm sure some of india will have rubbed off on him. And even when he's not busy carrying bricks to build 4 walls for the clinic, he has my 1984 to read. I've read my freaking bookshelf once over again! Okay that was a little exaggerated.
Speaking of which. Why do they have to build a "clinic". Its not as if they're about to assemble and design all the medical stuff right. The most they could be doing is piling bricks to make 4 walls. Maybe painting it white. or blue. or green oryelloworpurpleornevermind. I mean how do they expect a group of about 50 to build a full fledged clinic in a few weeks?!
Ah wait. Its india.

I think i'm going out with uni and hadri in 12 hours time. That is if they show up. And if i have enoughmoolah to lend both of them and still have money to buy present for my mother and to pay for the snow queen and to go out for the rest of the week and to eat lunch and dinner and to money is never enough. I wish I had more of it.

I hear laura is dancing at snow queen. This should be interesting.

chee has also disappeared. maybe he's died in front of his computer. suffered a heart attack after a lina came up behind him and lagunabladed his guts out. my constant pleas for my briefs have gone unheard.

CHEE OWES ME BRIEFS. PREFERABLY WHITE BRIEFS. THREE CALVIN KLEIN BRIEFS. THREE BRIEFS WITH A LITTLE BUTTON-FLY HOLE. FALALALALA-LALALALA.

ZZzz.

Maybe I should go write an essay on why cows should wear bras.

ZZzz.

This post is junk. Maybe I should delete it.
Maybe not.

*click*

Okay okay. I changed the music. Inspired by one of those new diamond advertisements on TV. Funny how those ads always appeal to me.

I haven't been blogging much since my cable's been taking by the matron of the house. That would be my domineering mother who has hysterical self-righteous tendencies and decides that depriving me of my computer would be the most befitting and damning punishment for deciding not to go to church.

Now anyway. On to more interesting things.

I am the only one left in gay club. Yes one of our more fat and pompous members has made his debut in the couples arena. Tendering his most dramatic resignation at a certain restaurant in Wheelock, he is none other than... i don't really need to say actually. But of course, we foresaw this coming.

Oh actually there's still chee.

Who still owes me 3 briefs.

Okay haven't come here for very long.

Anyway, haven't been going out lately. Blasted specs that literally blew up on op day. Grrsh. Still haven't got them fixed, so have been glued to screen playing BG2 and grumbling about how my computer is so lousy. Same old Same old nothing new.

I bought and read and finished the bell jar. By sylvia plath. Its really vivid, you can imagine the whole thing up in your head down to the smallest detail. Quite insane too.

Right this is abit late. But thanks all who wished me happy birthday. Haha yeah you all made my day.
Uni and hadri for your pencilbox to replace the stupid cow i'm using. haha and changwen and yixun for the. um. shirts. hehe.

Anyway, still haven't had an opportunity to buy books yet. May go shopping with mother again soon. hahaha.

Whichever frumpot that is trying to kindly wash my tagboard for me, i thank you for your concerted efforts to hide from me whatever i need to know. But your efforts have been in vain, because to put it simply, I own the tagboard.

I wonder if there's such a word as frumpot. Hmm. I hope this isn't one of those "enervated" things again. *grumble*

Am bored. Should study for chinese but frankly don't care that much. Bah. Also haven't read any books. Aha thanks for the suggestions anyway, i'll make sure i look them up when i pop by kino. pinter, steinbeck and *ahem* monette. Of course i'll have to wait until i'm not broke. heh. May as well wait until the end of eternity.

I HAVE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE. TOMORROW IS IMPORTANT DAY.

Okay today was nerve wrecking for 15 minutes. Which is always too much for a day.

Anyway, thank god for Mrs. Perry. Haha she helped me apply for Lit S even though I forgot to send her all the details. Ahaha damn funny.

Me: Hi Mrs Perry this is Tim. I'm sorry its so late but can I send you the details today
Perry: Well you can Tim, But I'm not sure if they'll be of any use
Me: Is it too late?
Perry: I'm not sure. I just got out of the meeting for the recomendations.

Or something along those lines. I had a shock. I nearly died. It was like last year all over again lah. Aha luckily she told me later that she did it all already.
Anyway. Shall resolve to be more responsible next year. No really really. Stop smirking. Bitches.

Oh went shopping for books today. You know in case I get the paper. IN CASE. I must add these disclaimers lest bitches like tanyixun start on how I was all geared up to do the paper and then never get. Like humans liddat.
So anyway. I came across these interesting books. Which at the moment I can't recall. Hmm. I think there was one by this Jose SOMETHING that looked quite interesting. And something by Milan Kundera which yixun's been raving about. And Sylvia Plath. Although I think that book doesn't quite qualify. But anyhow.
I'm looking to do maybe one classic and one not-so-well-known book. You know, dabble abit here dabble abit there. Recommend something if you drop by. Preferably one that won't unravel my poor brain. Even if i don't get Lit S they'll help to broaden my somewhat flower-bed-like and narrow perspective on life.

And even if it doesn't, at least it'll annul vacancy during the hols.

I think I shall fall in love with the girl in before sunset. Fall in love with all her realness, for all her controlled temperaments, all her shy expeletives, all her closet romanticism. For all her contradictions and paradoxes.

Ah its sad. Falling in love with a girl on screen.

I would walk on water
Just to be with you.
Split the ocean cross the sea
Walk on water
If you believe.

Okay lah hadri didn't eat. The poor thing just sat there while me and uni ordered a scrumptious meal of grilled fish with spaghetti, garlic bread, and soup. Actually he went up to check movie times for us. hahaha.

TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL never talked about OP day. A pity if you ask me. I thought she'd have alot to falsely credit herself for. Like "Oh intelligent me managed to answer the class' brainlessly stupid questions. LOLOLOL!!!!111!!1!1!".

Speaking of which. Whoever that is on my tagboard is hilarious. I suspect its hadri.

Oh I've forgotten to write down my experience as a statue. I know this is a little late. But its nevertheless one of those things I won't forget so I might as well blog it down.

Its a really fascinating experience. Funny when you're supposed to act still, the world's distractions multiply ten-fold. Of course it might be because there were these people who kept disturbing me, but really at the start I found it really hard to settle down. First there was Mr. Lai who came and put a sweet at my pelvic area, (probably to allude to the action of sucking, but nevermind) then there were other assorted innuendos of pain and whipping AGAIN (really its getting very tiring), etc. etc.

But at the same time it was liberating. Strange isn't it, when in actuality you're confined to keeping still. Makes you wonder about the irony of reaction, of being confined within response. I found myself being able to completely ignore people that I very much wanted to in real life, if only because telling them what they wanted to hear or acting the way they expected was too tiring. Its interesting, because at the beginning I had all these urges to react to people, to respond, to affirm. Yet after a while I realized that I didn't need to. The world didn't stop turning just because Tim didn't respond to someone. It wasn't armaggedon just because I didn't return irritating comments with a forced smile.

Perhaps it was like a blue slip to skip the homework of life.

But then I zonked out after a while. Perhaps not very eloquent, but for lack of better words. I just stared into space, and for a while, it seemed that what I saw, life in all its transience, was but a veil draped over my eyes. And somehow I felt that perhaps if I focused long enough, I could stare past the curtain and escape into a reality that could be so much more entrancing than this tedious masquerade.

And so I spent an hour trying to burn a hole. Through the curtain, with just my eyes.

The soul is willing but the flesh is weak. Unfortunately my piddly-stick-arms (as yixun puts it) felt like giving way after an hour plus of sitting in a reclining position. And as I stepped back into the blinding whirl of life, I felt a little regret as I let the solid constancy slip away.

So I don't recall much of what I saw. But it was enervating. In both actual and wrong usages

Went to town to eat with hadri and uni.

I think I decide you aren't even worth bitching about over here. An utter waste of space would be devoted towards a sadly unimportant runt.

Shall choose passion over pragmatism this time. Have learnt lesson from last year.

I'm lost confused and in a whirl.
This is a step I'm not willing to take. But this is a step that may liberate me. All my life I live within confines. Shape yourself to fit in the mold life throws you.
What do you know. Of the dark secrets within the light exterior. Of what goes on behind this ever smiling face. What exactly do you think I'm smiling at?

Hokay. Have thrown music into this place. Yes its really music. I kid you not.

Ladidum. B3 for GP. A little dissatisfied (always am) but makes the mark i guess. after all only need B3 for GP to do stuff anyway. Bloody compre. Give me 2 more marks also cannot. heh.

D for history. Oh well.

Now on to more interesting stuff. You may have pressed the glaring stop button on the right of this page to stop that awful goddamnit drumming noise, but if you haven't, thats unfortunately the kind of stuff i listen to sometimes. A poor reflection of my music tastes perhaps, but hey, it makes me happy and delirious. Jumping around in my room can be quite exhilarating sometimes. Especially when the com is a wreck, the cd-player has broken down, and the TV literally blew up two days ago. Yes I mean blew up. It when *BOOM* and there was a blinding flash of white and then the TV wasn't working anymore. Sucks I tell you.

Whatever life I had has just collapsed in decay. I mean all this was coming. Keep a com for 5 years, don't expect it to play anything decent in 5 years. Dump heavy books like lord of the rings (hardcover edition i might add) on top of the player, CD part confirm spoil lah. And TV. Well. They had when I was 5. I think. I've watched everything from sesame street to alias and friends on it. The thing has practically grown up with me, I feel a little sorry that its now constantly black and smells smoky.

Other snippets of interest. TRSQUARE strikes again. Do visit her for your daily dose of entertainment. I guarantee that you will exit her website with a totally new perspective on life. She has got to be the most amusingly pathetic and self-deluded person on earth.

AND BENJAMIN CHEN. I TELL YOU NOW. THE IT IS A HE. =)

Hokay. Have got back freaking results. Well not really all, just two of them actually. Maths is a C which is a relief. Although admittedly could be better. But am happy and content. One mustn't expect too much in RJ.
Econs is Low B. Am actually a little dissatisfied. Would have been happier with higher B/A of course. But that is stating the obvious. I hope I'm able to do S paper. Hope.
So as of yet. Dream of taking econs and lit S still not shattered. completely. thankfully. Sentences are short because self just woke up. Yes at freaking 1:40 AM. Suspect self to have problems with biological clock.

Anyway, yesterday was supposed to go umm. zouk. Then for fear of the evil malay bouncer who might retain the not-so-old-looking-me with a fake id we were then also supposed to go chijmes. so after meeting changwen and having dinner, we call the rest expecting to go down to chijmes and meet them. Instead we find that we have been jacked. whoohoowhoopeedoo.
Changwen was complaining how we looked ridiculously like a gay date. All through the rest of the night into the movie. hrmmpf.

Anyway while waiting for changwen I did something I haven't done in ages. I toddled around town before settling at borders, curling up into one of those delightful black couches they have, and read lordoftheflies. Which now that I read 4 chapters of it, I wished I'd done it for lit text last year or something. Something about that book strikes a chord with me.
It might be piggy.

In other news-
There is still spyware on this rotting wreck. =(

The word cruel is a strange word.
Say it. Feel it as the air scrapes the roof of your mouth. Observe how it rolls about in the mouth, the embracing of the lips before its final expulsion.
It is a repulsive word. Yet the final bit is somewhat mysterious. The way the tongue ends pointing suggestively upwards. It emnates a certain enigmatic quality about it.

Okay ignore that. I'm bored and rambling.

I think I shall change the pic of my blog. Time for a new demotivator.

I am tired but I will not despair.
I believe that if you keep saying no you will get what you want in the end. So I say now, I refuse. And I will continue refusing until the ends of time and the sky turns an angry purple. Even if the world is to be trapped in the oppressive darkness for all eternity, I would still refuse.
Submission is the true defeat.
Even a hopeless rebellion has spirit.

I shall write my thoughts on 2046. Later. If ever. It is an interesting show, but I maintain that I dislike it. Probably because I refuse to identify with it. Eliot is so much more comforting. Pity she was wrong about the world.
Has pretty fancy camerawork though. Is starting to understand why the flipping movie took 5 years. Lots of attention to detail in it.

In retrospect, I've decided that I need to find ways to express anger/displeasure at anything. I have extremely unhealthy ways of doing this, ranging from acute bitching to holier-than-thou bitching to cold aloof bitching. All of which entail the word bitching. Vindictively gashing new wounds with words. Cannot be good if you ask me. Please don't suggest forgiveness, I am very forgiving. It may precisely be due to the conflict between this innate desire to forgive and the mental rational reminder of the need for deterence and self preservation that may have lead to this unhealthy method.

Either of which the offender owes me for anyway.

If you're coming here looking for a comment or a defense for what you've read, go away. There's nothing to be said. I won't fuel your entertainment.

If you're looking for entertainment in other areas, however, may I direct you to TRSQUARE'S blog. Specifically the entry dated right after she speaks in a not-so-subtle suicidal tone. It would appear to be deja vu, but note the date. Yes, she has repeated her folly not once, but twice, in perpetuating the image that she is at the top of her class.

Pitiful, poor, pathetic creature.

Ah yes I am a hypocrite. *shrug*

Anyway promos have been relatively okay. Econs is looking good actually.
ALthough I predict tmrw I will just flop and die like a cow on a kite. that didn't make sense. nevermind.

Must go back to vietnam.
Chualalongkong awaits.


There's something vaguely wrong with those two statements. I just can't put my finger on it.

Woe betide me.
I need better friends. :(

Oh yeah.
Rumours was really hilarious. I went to watch it with tanyixun and we were 15 minutes late and i was damn scared we wouldn't be let in. Which would really suck having paid 16 dollars for it. Haha but it was really hilarious, abit slapstick at certain points but very british-arts-central-on-thursday-night kind of comedy. A nice way to end the first exam week

Whoopeedoo.
I'm quite delighted. I found the maths paper fine. Fine as in like, I could attempt almost all the questions. which is good, is good.
Anyway, promos so far have been quite uplifting. prospects are looking good. perhaps lady luck has returned. GP was good. Although I didn't get the freaking web thing. I thought it was a little far-fetched actually, I mean a spider-web? Web can be used in many other ways, such as a network what. Ah well. But I think I wrote a reasonable essay, tried and tested, since I've done a similar one before. Promos is no time for experimentation. My melodrama essay on materialism flopped badly before, and I wasn't about to try and find out if I could make it better this time when I had other options.
PC was infuriating in a sense that I didn't manage to write all that I wanted. And on the trip home I took out the poem and decided that there was EVEN more I wanted to write down. But I hope what I wrote was good enough. Ah well.
Econs was fine. Good enough for me. Chee SOUNDS like he may get S paper. But then we'll have to wait and see. Speaking of which that bitch owes me 10 dollars. And I owe him alot of whacks.
Maths I've said already.
ahh good good. Now we'll just have to wait for the next week and then this will all be over.

Yixun please lend me BG2. Its time I regressed to a no-life gamer like you. :)

Everyday I learn something new. =)

I was going to blog something.
But I think sophia's blog says it all. It struck me that that too is how I feel. She's put it just so aptly. And its sad. You may think its presumputuous of me to say so. that the inadequacy I feel is only to be expected of my calibre.
Talking to yixun makes me feel like that too sometimes. (haha i'm not trying to make you feel guilty, i know better than to bother to attempt that). The inadequacy. That I cannot just dump maths and focus on something like lit. That considering how much I struggled against arts initially, I accepted it, but when I tried to pursue it, I fell. Providence has not favoured my performance this year. I may have very well bored my brains out in science. But I was streamed to arts, and on acceptance of that I tried to pursue the humanities, but was denied that too. Perhaps lady luck shall end her mischief with the denial of my S paper, her last grand finale. Or perhaps she shall return for an encore next year, and then I will be stuck in Singapore, doing NS as a PR, and preparing for the dismal life in NUS. The dismal possibilites are endless. It is saddening.

Who am I, so small and insignificant, to climb uphill against fate. All our hopes and struggles, they just bleed into wash. The hard work never seems worthy in the face of failure

Despair has set in. As if it wasn't enough to shatter my hopes and dreams into a million pieces, reality has to come crashing down and grind them into fine dust. Dust that will be blown away, leaving nothing but a barren empty shell.

It cannot end like this!

Ah, but it will.

She's right. Its no use musing. No one will believe me. I have, after all, consigned myself to this fate.

It is indeed regrettable. An abhorrent act actually.
But truthfully. It is enough that a person should reject another that she has been giving false signals to. That at least can be attributed to confusion. Or an insecure mind. Either of which may only be human.
But to deny it as though it were totally non-existent. To attempt at self-vindication AND to progress on to other unwitting prey. That is downright irresponsible, and smacks strongly of hypocrisy.
It is indeed regrettable.

Do forgive the holier-than-thou tone of this entry. Its one of my mechanisms to express displeasure though. the other is inarticulate bitching.

tonite's a pissed offf nite. i dun really care wtf abt my rships. but i hate to c ppl mistreating my frens. when you fucking jack my fren off for another guy. bloody hell not lyk she's damn chio or aniting. wth does he wan her for. tmd. now he's sad over the whole thing n arghhh. somemore keep denying it when i ask her. haha i dun care wth she does now at ALL. but why go play arnd wif my fren. wat a bitch. tim agreesss tooooo.
firstly go tok shit abt me to everybody. nvm its me, so i dun care. but YOU dun go hurt MY fren's feelings. you cockshit. i wasss blinddd but nvmmmm. stillll go tok shit to everybody. nb

tonite's a pissed offf nite. i dun really care wtf abt my rships. but i hate to c ppl mistreating my frens. when you fucking jack my fren off for another guy. bloody hell not lyk she's damn chio or aniting. wth does he wan her for. tmd. now he's sad over the whole thing n arghhh. somemore keep denying it when i ask her. haha i dun care wth she does now at ALL. but why go play arnd wif my fren. wat a bitch. tim agreesss tooooo.
firstly go tok shit abt me to everybody. nvm its me, so i dun care. but YOU dun go hurt MY fren's feelings. you cockshit. i wasss blinddd but nvmmmm. stillll go tok shit to everybody. nb

haha me n tim finally break even selling shirts...ttz if no one backs out tmr. not bad man. we had abt 4k of capital. we cleared everything. even though we didn't earn our projected profit of abt 2k, i suppose when we do clear everything it'll be arnd 1.5k la. which isn't too bad for wat we've been doing. after all i get many free stuff too. n learn lots of logistics shit. altho tim's a uselesss bummer hahahha. nah .
bio's a bitch. farking thick
Enzyme Helicase unwinds the DNA chain. Single Strand binding protein then stabilizes it, holding it apart for replication to take place. RNA Primase then works on the DNA template, synthesizing a RNA primer, which DNA polymerase III then lenghtens by adding free nucleotides to the chain in the 5 - 3 direction( of the new strand). DNA polymerase I then replaces the RNA in the RNA primer with DNA. Okazzaki fragments are formed and are joined together by DNA Ligase in the antiparallel strand.
haha powerful mugging today. thx thx

Aha it struck me that the last post looked like a poem.
*shrug*. Its just accidental.

Anyway really. All this unwonted attention is really your fault changwen. If you hadn't been advertising yourself on the back of every bus 100 going something about "small dick but very experienced call ********" I swear you wouldn't have had so many opportunities to divert gays towards me.

Grrsh. Studying not going well. As of today.
History - Zero. Zilch. Nil. This is a confirm C.
Econs - Why did Oli not go JC? Cos Oligopoly! Aha. Courtesy of Tiff/Clara.
Maths - Differentiation, Complex Numbers (A+B). Half Trigo (A)
Lit - Still not finished Silas Marner. Zero Othello.

Holy shit. And here I am hoping for a Lit S. SHIT.

yawn promos are coming. this sucks. haha thanks to chee, tim n a grp of other assholes, i've spent 4 hours a day for the past 2 weeks DOTAing. incase ppl duno wtf tt means, it means spending your precious time in front of a shitpile computer playing wc3. damn but its fun though. argh. haha actually i just realised that you can finish studying a whole year's work in a day. it just depends how focused you are.

timmy's a lucky man. he's the attention of the gay community in singapore. there's a buzz going arnd that he gives the best blows. wow wow. its no wonder why gays have been hailing from all ends of singapore just to meet up with him, and pray with great anticipation that he might agree to fufill their most perverse wishes. recently he has received an avg of 2 calls from gays a day. thats not bad, for a begineer gay. he claims he rejects their advances and doesn't meet up wif em, but i see the glint of desire and longing in his eyes when he talks abt his gay encounters. Oh well....since the gals tim likes cmi, i suppose its time for him to move on in life and go after....well...ppl who're more like him i suppose. good luck tim. may the best gay win.

today's soccer game was gayed....i got injured after 13 mins. f man. so i wanted to be keeper. but you cano't really be a keeper if you can't move. so i let 2 goals in. n eveyrone wanted to kill me. i'm soooo sorry ppl. sigh.and i DOTAED AGAIN WTF. haha i can't walk properly now dammit. my knee's gged.

life's so boring now. its full of crap. playing games, studying. argh. i need to start making my bombs n stuff. spice up my life, and maybe someone's bag can haf a nice hole in it aswell. oh oh i gotta start to be a bettterrr guy. time to go to church tmr. after all there's great scenery there. ok just one great scenery. makes the trip worthwhile.
its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved. i wonder how true this statement is man...

This has proven to be most damaging.
Its here once again. Self inflicted pain.
You always get in things that harm you.

This really shouldn't happen. Its all over again. What will I do with myself.

These gaping wounds, self-inflicted,
serve not as scarlet warnings
but fond, rosy reminders...
bittersweet memories of brushes with you.
And a crimson hope
that the next will be less painful

My life just runs in circles. There's no escaping fate.

I am very happy with meself.
I am seeing things about Silas Marner. Finally its abit like last year. Yay Yay happy happy.
Lucidity has struck me like an invisible wand. I plan to ride on it till promos.

Oh and me being a freemarket was really amusing. Sigh. Thats the kindof conversation i used to have last year. Incorporated subjects with fun. And in the process always learning. Sounds abit cliche, but yeah. I remember the stupid incidents and memories i used to remember stuff in exams.

I am a very fuzzy person. Heh. Recently i tried to recall someone's face. Failed miserably, needless to say, I could get the general impression, but once i tried to focus on the more exact positions and ratios, it all fell into static. The eyes kept shuffling and the mouth elongated and yeah. In the end it sort of fell into another person's general impression.

Whicn interestingly points out that I can really remember no one's face distinctly. If i try to construct them out of my mind it just comes out distorted.

It is no wonder.

words words words words. I'm losing touch. I can no longer convey what I want to say. Or employ words with economy. I only stumble around, groping in the darkness, never hitting the mark. Poignant is not a word i would use to describe my current state of writing.

Oh and Kevin's poems are nice. now that is using words to truly convey what you want to say. so many undercurrents below the surface metaphor. haha much better than reading that verbose BC's stifled attempts to appear intelligent by using bombastic words for the SAKE of using bombastic words. hahaha.

I am highly distressed.
And it is not because of promos.
Laichangwen, hadri and matin will be the death of me one day.

Now. On to better and less gruesome issues.
I want to buy SENS' album. Yes its classical. Yes its japo-shit as well. But I still like it. Its nice, simplistic yet powerful. I like things like tt.
Unfortunately my previous resolution has somewhat failed. Miserably I might add. Since the last post, I have chalked up a debt of approximately 15 dollars. I might attribute this to the unexpected cost of the Woman Warrior which robbed me cruelly of 16 dollars. However I will not make excuses for my inability to manage my finances. Yixun says, i spend 120% of my income. Even if my parents gave me 100 dollars a week i'd spend 120. Thankfully its only 50 now. hahaha.

SO therefore album will have to wait for very long. Unless i can conjure two ten dollar notes out of thin air. Which I believe would be a very handy skill given my current situation.

I am starting to type like BC. hmm.

I cannot.
Well its true. I lose. I always lose. The way I play, its no surprise I lose after all. This game, I'm just a pawn in a world of kings.
I don't understand how my world-view evolved. Its utterly stupid yet I can't change it. This kind of thinking is the naive thinking you see in childhood stories or Enid Blyton. But really, what influence could possibly have led me to uphold this world view even when everything around me screams otherwise?
Weakness. Its no surprise that I used to dream of just flying off somewhere and just farm. Yes farm. I remember telling my parents that, they told me if you farm you'll never get a tv or a computer or a playstation etc. etc. Things that meant alot when I was 12. I said that if I didn't know it I wouldn't want it. Hah. How village-esque.
I don't know. Have I become so inculcated with these values that i'm trapped in the very weakness they laud? The meek shall inherit the earth indeed. heh.
Clever isn't it. They start on you from young. How roundabout the bible can be sometimes, to trap people in their way of thinking. Subtle mind control at its best. Well at least it points in the general direction of good.

Don't you see. I was never meant to play this game.

okay the million and one color crazy posts have disappeared
And i've changed the music to the relief of many i think.
And spots are sprouting on my forehead. I think i hang out too much with chee.

From today. No more bimbotic colourful posts. But more importantly,

From today: I am NOT going to owe anyone munny. I pay my debts all back by this week.

Hmmm.
Lets see.
Moved on for Silas munner. by. umm. hmm. 1 chapter
Moved much more for econs i believe. At least i hope. Lets see. Umm. Hmmm. Somewhere around Time Factor for Elasticity now. Thats... 4 chapters. Yay!
History still stands at 0.
Must put in red letters to remind self.
Maths still stands at 3/4 complex number tutorial. I lied the last time round. hahaha.

I am rediscovering colours today. Whee
How fun.

Does this mask in with my background?

How silly of me.
To maintain solidarity. To believe i wouldn't change. To think that i'd weather it all.
No more futile than the desperate fluttering of leaves that fall inevitably to the ground.
I cannot conquer the ephemerality of this world.

Anyway. I'm deciding that perhaps my father isn't as blockheadedly stupid as i thought. Although it really is quite silly to think that, him being a lecturer and all. But anyway yeah. He saw me reading Silas Marner and suddenly he passed me 3 books, Dubliners by James Joyce, Selected Poems by TS Eliot and Collected Poems and Plays of Rabindranath Tagore. I was like "oh my goodness you've read all this". haha. To think a mathsy person like him would read this kind of thing.

So anyway I tried to read them. Keyword here being tried. Its really really really beyond me. Haha. But anyway, flipping through them really revamped my view of him. Its interesting. It would appear that at one point in time he really was quite interested in lit. Hmm. And maybe perhaps we weren't as different as we thought.

Or perhaps its all just a cycle. Maybe as I toddle through my life, I walk in my father's footsteps, drawing parallels I never even knew existed. A circle so immense we only see the tangents.

Lets see. Things I have purchased over the past few days:

1. One (1) Economics by John Sloman. Currently still in plastic wrap and looking pretty.
2. One (1) Da-Vin-Ci Code by Dan Brown. Bought on Monday, finished by Tuesday.
3. One (1) Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. What kind of surname is Albom anyway. HI MR. ALBOM. Hmm nevermind.

Anyway if you know reading the da-vinci code always inspires people to start blogging about how reading it is very faith-testing and etc. etc. Therefore. I am happy to say that as a rather infrequent church goer, it has done little to impact my faith. Shaky and somewhat non-existent as it is already. Ah well. But even if I were to revert back to about two years ago, it wouldn't have done much. I mean, I'd agree with what the book says, those that really understand their faith believe in the meaning more than the metaphors. I mean really. I never managed to swallow the eucharist bit down my throat. And the other idiosyncratic rituals of the church. But i've really found some of the principles quite appropriate. They're quite good principles to live by. I mean, yeah. Some of them have got me this far. Perhaps doctrine isn't always a bad thing sometimes. If you can pick out the stuff that was originally based on the intent, and the stuff that's just put there to make it look like doctrine. Or perhaps this is just the result of me reading Silas Marner closely the past few days.

Oh yes. Update on my studies: (This is really just more for me to keep track than to upset those of you feeling idyllic and lazy)

1. Re-read Silas Marner up to Chapter 3. Annotating like mad-dick. Will link everything to formation of belief from now on, no matter how remote it may sound.
2. One (1) Complex Numbers Tutorial 10b
3. One (1) Chapter of Economics by John Sloman (Namely Introduction to Economics)
4. Umm. ey shit lah i'm sure i did more than just that.

Oh well.

Baby you're gonna drive me crazy
Falling in love is easy
Stay by my side.

oh OH! speaking of which. i googled vyna's name. and this came out. hoohoohoo hilarious.
http://ideology.freeservers.com/nazi/vyna.htm

i woke up at 12:30 again. haha the bio clock is goned lah. goned. GG-ified.

Aiyah tired. Aha i forgot to do the test on econs remedial day. shit lah. nevermind if i drop by school tmrw i'll do it.
Anyway today marks the start of the mug like fuck week. Haha that changwen and yixun were talking abt going overseas then when they came to me they were like... er... see his promo results. Which is quite fair lah. SO MUST MUG LIKE FUCK.
Anyway today i finished a grand total of. hmm...

1. ONE complex numbers notes
2. Umm.

Oh shit this won't do. Perhaps i should read a chapter of Tarling.

And changwen i thought you were studying in changi. Isn't hwachong like opposite end of the island?

Today is clearly a day of new stuff. Hwa Chong is a damn fun place! i went there wif jem lee n i met chris ho there. then tt crazy asshole took a fire extinguisher n sprayed it. it was how blardey fun n i joined in wif him den i pressed tooo hard i tink....n the damn thing couldn't stop spewing powdery shit. so in the end i left it in the stairwell n ran away. hahahahha the powder was drifting out of the windows lyk the stairs were on fire!
Clearly that isn't enuff fun. so we took another extinguisher n ran out of hwachong. we then went to first avenue there n sprayed everywhere. we wanted to spray 2 fat fierce ugly black dogs, but decided agianst it as the owners were in. we sprayed the drain all white wif powder hahaha.den we finally left it on n put it into a dustbin. GG to the person who opens it.

oh well today esther left for UK. i can c why she's sad cos she's leaving all her frens behind n everything. but seriously speaking, its only for 3 mths. Frenships last much longer than that, n she's still connected to the real world by so many means of communication. Fones? internet? She'll be coming back so all of you dun be sad! n you too Esther! haha today has made me super determined. i'm gona mug damn blardey hard to go overseas for studies. coz my parents cant afford to send me! when i'm leaving i'll be sooo happy to try out a new way of life n maek new frens. sad yes...possibly. but it'll soon go away.

If I was god. Sitting up there watching the world. With the knowledge of eternity, and all his omnipresence
Damn I'd find the world funny. Funny yet pitiful.
Its all so ironic sometimes. So futile. So stupid. All our struggles just bleed into wash with time.

HADRI. Its not my fault i listen to a wide range of music. haha. including "japo shit". I mean, just cause TR^2 likes it doesn't mean its not niceee~

Anyway esther's party was okay. haha. didn't know everyone there so just hung out with changwen yixun marcjo and kevin lee and graeme they all. hahaz. quite extraa.
haha. we were playing with the helium balloons also. besides the BEE incident. OH and that becky lost her fone.

shit tmrw have to pack for rp. or today. oh whatever.

ARGH....i'm so stupid.when i got stung by a stinking bee in esther's house. they told me to go catch it n i tot it was a flying ant. how the hell i know its a real stupid stinking blackyelow bee. so i juz grabbed it wif my hand n tt fagging thing stang me lyk crap. the stupid sting was left in my thumb n it hurt lyk hell. now its swollen n it feels lyk a sprained my thumb real bad. haha aniwae i hope esther enjoyed her self in the party n everyone too.
haha good thing i can use tim's blog. he's gay. i'm blogging for fun. coz i'm sleepy n tired n nothing to do. yawn.
N mel koh clearly has too mcuh time to go to town n watch movie wif tim n den go home. haha i bet those 2 haf smth going on. not surprising. mel koh looks lesbian. no wonder she'll fall for timmy.

I wish Leonard Lim were teaching me again. Hah. When we all scored 23/25 and were content sitting on our bums and thinking lit was freefrag.

Now I'm sitting here. Wondering how on earth all this alliteration and rhyming aids with the poem. Whatever happened to simpler metaphors and imagery that I could easily link to the message? Lit's almost like a phonetics class now that wilfully eludes me.

Now I just feel so woefully inadequate. Sometimes I wish I understood more.



On a side note: Perhaps a facade really is quite a good judgement of one's character. Its very presence indicates something, what more the nature of the facade could very well reflect the opposite traits of a person. Hmm. What a self-defeating purpose.

Perhaps i ought to correct my sleeping cycles.
Like not sleeping at 7 and waking up at 12. And now procceeding to type out two essays.
Oh well. I'm bizzare.

Haha but really. Monday chuin and mel handed me another things-to-change-about-tim list. Haha its quite funnie. But it got me thinking if I really should change. I mean I wouldn't disagree with most of what they say, hell my hair definitely needs a haircut and yeah the way i behave really could change. Could. But should it?

I'm always quite against any sort of major change. Because while the present situation may not be perfect, its alot more certain than anything i can see beyond a change. Applies to everything as well in fact. I mean everything's so fragile, being delicately balanced on other things. And sometimes we don't even see the connections between them. A change in one can and often results in the most chaotic upsets in the current situation. Could be for the better. But sometimes you can't predict the most remote of changes. And those changes could ironically sometimes affect those closest to your heart.

Funny isn't it. For someone who likes trying new stuff.

Bah. I puzzle myself sometimes. Guess I'm really quite bizzare.

But really. I wouldn't have myself any other way.

How does one tell what is true in a world where everything is kept under wraps. What do you really know, and how much of what you know is simply what others want you to know? I don't know. I'm just feeling a little hollow and tired. Wondering whats the point, since I don't really know where i'm stumbling to and what i'm achieving. All these viewpoints, all these perceptions, all these stands. How do you strike out on your own when you must concede to the infallible logic of others? And when impeccable logic collides, where will you be? Perhaps it is wiser to be stubborn and stick to one, blocking out all others regardless of whether you can identify with them or not. But if you can identify with it, you can never truly block it out can you?
So where do I stand? Individuals all think in different ways, I stand in different places, but the question is, where do I think I stand? And who am I to say, under the crushing pressure of everyone's hidden judgement. Overjudge yourself, and their concealed perception will think you arrogant. Underjudge yourself, and they gather that you are fishing for compliments. Both ways are fallacious. The real challenge is to know where you stand, not to sway to either extremes. But how does one pinpoint where. Is there even a precise point as to where? The line is blurred by the drawing of many.
I guess what they say is true. Its so hard to judge yourself. Or perhaps this is yet another case of being so open minded my brains have fallen out.

Haha. Just came back from PPP.
was. hmm. okay i suppose. but well. we all packed by 11.
Can't break the legacy sometimes.

heh thank god smriti gave me that last bowl man. otherwise damn stoned.
haha. had to sleep at mark's place cos. yeah. couldn't quite go home in this state.
Still am rather impaired. See length of sentences.

You know how phones sort out which words you use most often, and then let them be displayed first when there are a number of possible words for that number combination?

Well. Its a little sad and amusing.

When i press 766 while i'm messaging.
and the word that comes out isn't SON


but PON.

And now, to prove lijun's theory.

Let P be the statement:
Girl Yixun Fancies = Baby-face.

Prove P1 is true
LHS: Girl Yixun fancies = Mel Koh
RHS: Baby-face = Mel Koh

LHS = RHS, P1 is true.

Assume Pk is true, i.e. #k Girl Yixun Fancies = Baby-face
Want to prove tt Pk+1 is true, i.e.: #k+1 Girl Yixun fancies = baby-face

Sub 14 year old chiobu into Pk (refer to yixun's blog for proof)

Pk+1 = #k+1 Girl yixun fancies
= 14 year old girl yixun fancies + 1
= 15 year old girl yixun fancies
= Girl he thought was quite cute and interviewed him
= Baby-face (LHS = RHS, Pk+1 is true)

Thus by mathematical induction, girl yixun likes = baby-face.

By algebric manipulation, bringing "girl" and "likes" over, we get:
yixun = likes baby face girl

Recalling the definition:
likes baby girl = paedophile

Sub definition into (yixun = likes baby face girl)
yixun = paedohile face.

Ah well. Lysistrata's over.

Anyway, hope the audience liked it. Haha especially friday. Stupid skirt. But i think we put up a better performance on saturday, although it wouldn't have seemed that way at the start. But whatever.

Its kind of sad. That its over. I'm not very coherent today thus the short sentences. To think that all this started when smriti told me to audition saying "tim you're funny you can be yourself!". But anyway, really i'm happy that i've gotten a chance to act in the play, not just for the experience of acting, but for the people i've gotten to know. People like mike and ranon, like claudia and vaish. And the directors, kelly and vid and shirin. And of course those i already know like zhong, and hadri and smriti especially. haha thank god for hadri and smriti. they make dreary rehearsals so much more tolerable. But really, this is something i've never done before, and its really been a most enriching experience. yes i know that sounds awfully cliche, but like i said i'm not very coherent now.

Aha i liked the notes the directors gave us on saturday. maybe should give them smth back.

HMm. been busy with lysistrata lately. haven't had time to blog. let me recall briefly events.

Had my legs forcefully waxed. By changwen and yixun and matin. Horrible people i tell you, they pin my leg down in the canteen and proceed to just slap on wax strips like nobody's business liddat. So yes, if you notice i have one shiny leg when i'm wearing that pseudo-sarong-skirt-like thing for lysistrata, yah you'll know why.

Also, am about to get suspended probably. I don'tknow, i'm quite scared. 9 white slips, by the pupil handbook, is a suspension. Haha that ms koh finds it damn funny though. I told her i got 9 and she asks me if i've had "tea with the VP yet" and bursts out laughing. But anyway. I don't know if the school really is inhumane enough to suspend me for being LATE (which is where majority of my white slips come from, the bitch vyna doesn't appreciate my efforts to avoid the system and come after 8+ so as to elude the malay teacher taking down names of those who are late), but i really hope not. The system isn't perfect, its clear when someone gets suspended for being late that adhering religiously to it is simply not the way to go. Yeo recognized that if i'm not wrong.

Which reminds me that we must get yeochinghunn back. This vyna-mina-shit of a CT doesn't care about our class. What happens to our class is probably the last of her priorities, and as ajay eloquently puts it, she doesn't care what happens outside the 40 minute tutorial. In fact, even WITHIN the 40 minute tutorial she doesn't care, which is clearly seen in the way she always loses patience and throws tantrums when we fail to understand her somewhat incomprehensible and poorly delivered tutorial. The class is nothing more than a tool for her to manipulate and abuse so that the school will think she's doing a wonderful job as a white slip dispenser and is instilled with discipline and responsibility. Its really quite disgusting. That she would be so happy to send me to the VP, and so happy to sign more white slips when I come for her tutorial even though i could have skipped it, since i as marked absent. Its preposterous. Well, I wonder how her brain works anyway, having a student in her CT group suspended really isn't a good way to start off her term.

Veluri also showed us the university admission forms. Aha I think she's really good now. She teaches well, she clearly bothers enough to educate us on what teachers look out for in their recomendations, and she's quite funny and animated. Its silly of me to make a big hoo-haa over the moron thing. Its just her way after all, its part of her whole animated and comical character.

Anyway, the university admission forms basically say that you have to be perfect. Not only must you be enthusiastic and hardworking, you must also get along with your friends well, and be popular, and basically impossibly perfect. Heh and i don't think we can trust this vyna-thing to write these admissions. She'll probably think that she's showing such integrity and responsibility by under-grading all of us. Haha tiff was saying that we'll probably all get our "no-basis" boxes ticked anyway. Especially me since i don't come to class. hahaha.

My leg is damn sore and raw now.
Whatever hair i had on it has been reduced by half.

hahahaha.
Hadri i'll kill you.

Hahahaha
Today mark was sleeping on the couch at kitson's house. haha. then we took a marker and drew all over his face! hahahaha. kitson took a million and one photos, i'll post them up later when he gets them.

Anyway changed the music. Again. Jet's over-played.

Hello.
I am tired. Its 11:47PM and i'm typing out PW. I also have one compre (inclusive of APQ), one APQ on top of that, a little conclusion to add for my silas marner essay.

And thats just the homework i PLAN to do.

Which is probably why i'm blogging. Since i'm so freaking flustered (yay alliteration). Speaking of artsy-fartsy shit, come watch the RP production Lysistrata on next next friday! (that is not this friday, the friday next week). Its a play about women who decide to deprive their husbands of sex so as to coerce them into making peace so that they can finally satisfy their urges. Unfortunately, the women also encounter some difficulties, namely sex-starvation *gasp*! Who will last in this game of abstinence? FIND OUT on friday. Buy tickets from anyone in rp. Price currently undetermined but will probably be 6 dollars

My blog's turning more and more into commercial grounds.
Hmmpf. I should be paid for advertising here.

I'm sick again. Damned hammers in my head.
Had rehearsal today. Jireh is good lah. hah. you really see everything start to piece together and materialize when he's around. Hope he gets to our scene soon. Although acting in front of him must be unnerving. Really unnerving.
Anyway, i watched the village! which really isn't scary at all. in fact its quite nice at the end. when you figure out the little symbolisms and interesting cinematography. Like how the fear of red, being the colour of blood and guilt, signifies the elders' desire to retain innocence. Or at least thats what i think. good food for thought. Although my head was already pounding. Really didn't need all of that to worsen it.

Please let me help.
Its all i can do.

Haha. i heard this over the radio. and i nearly fell over laughing. might take a few minutes to load first though.
enjoy.

Ah shit the bazaar's finally over. haha this isn't good. we stand at a deficit of 1.5k. Which is quite a fuckload.
Anyway, i went back to ri. To watch dramafeste of course. haha mainly to watch hadri act lah. As Madam Kamariah. Haha it was damn funnie. Thank goodness i went. Otherwise i'd be wallowing in sorrow all day about the stinking money i am going to lose by september.
Oh yeah. gratz hadri. you were wonderful. stealing the limelight and all. and gratz hullett. and ajay's brother who is such an endearing little child.
I'm not going to go on a nostalgic rant about ri. Because really. Its all over. Times change, people change, now so must everything change.
But can't i keep a little at least?

Anonymous: What would you know about the little world I lived in? It's a pity that you're so superficial that you would proudly make such a remark. If to grow up is to be superficial i'd really rather not.
Keep your realistic world

Dear please leave your name too next time. Live up to your supposed maturity and 'consciousness' of reality, don't cower in cyberspace.